「Your attribute 'Assimilation' is activating」
「Your body's recovery has been enhanced」
The 「system」's message brought me out of my slumber. As soon as it did, cruel fire burned my insides. It writhed inside of me, looking for any fault or imperfection to temper and improve with it's flames.
I, too, writhed in pain. The fire burnt me on the inside, like a steel to a blacksmith improving their craft. The fire continued to do it's duty.
With eyes full of tears, I snap my eyelids open. Through foggy eyes, I could see a figure. The figure sat and waited with grace and poise. Despite my foggy vision, I could still make out the figure's graceful motions as it flipped a worn book and drank some kind of beverage. I knew exactly who this perfectionist behavior belonged to.
Her
I reached out to her, my arms sweaty from the flames that continued to burn me. It caused me great fatigue and fear to reach for that figure.
The flames, as if in response to my attempt to recall, followed my outstretched arm. I couldn't actually tell whether I was reaching for the figure, or if that hazy thing in the corner of my vision was just a hallucination or me misjudging things. Nevertheless, I reached out.
It didn't matter whether I was actually trying or not, as long as she was there. An eternity passed, then another.
Every second of every moment felt like forever. The fire inside of me never relented it's painful attempt to perfect my mold, let alone give up and let me be with my imperfect self.
With a lazy gaze, the figure swept it's attention to me.
Finally
I thought to myself with pride. As long as I was a part of her world, then everything else didn't matter. I was fine. She was fine. The world was fine. Any creation, destruction, abolishment, sin, blessing, death, life, end, beginning, poison, antidote, pain, and pleasure that I have ever had, lost, and will obtain in the future didn't matter.
As long as she could see me
Slowly, the gaze moved from me back to her book; she continued to drink from her plain cup at minute-long intervals as she flipped through the worn pages.
My heart sank and crashed at almost the same time. What little remains of hope that I had had been destroyed, leaving me with this husk that was 'myself' just a moment ago.
Maybe…
Was this really it? Was this all I amounted to in her beautiful eyes? Even then, why was I still so drawn to her? I'm just an idiot with attachments anyway. There's no way I could deserve anything close to something like her. I should just…
Maybe I should just give up
I should continue on my path.
A scream tore from my throat. I couldn't tell whether it was from the pain of being burned internally or being broken spiritually. It could have been both, and I was just losing my mind over… well, losing my mind.
In my surprise, something warm touched my cheek. It wasn't like the torturous heat that continued to eat away at my faults. It was soft and comforting. The simple, normal, and invaluable action almost made me lose my sanity. The broken pieces of my heart and the numerous shards of my sanity began patching itself together. Though the broken parts remained broken, and the worst parts of me continued to be the same, I could tell that my mind and spirit has regained it's previous form.
The warm touch cooled my flushed cheeks. The very heat that I despised had healed me. It was this simple motion that brought me back from irreparable damage.
The figure spoke. Even with my consciousness on the verge of disappearing, I could still focus on those few mundane words.
"Sleep. The pain will pass by tomorrow."
The figure wiped my tears with the sleeve of her blouse. I thought I was ready to see her, to face her judgement. Like always, I thought wrong. She was never within my reach. Her nature and mine conflicted with so much ease that it wasn't difficult to tell that we were vastly incompatible with each other.
I followed her advise and closed my eyes.
"Promise me you'll be her when I wake up… okay?"
She was silent for a few moments, unsure how to answer. This made me falter a bit. The fire ate away at my uneasiness. Just as I was about to reopen my eyes and get up, she responded.
"...Sure."
With that, I fell into the embrace of the unconsciousness once again.
◇◆◇◆◇
"You're wide open!"
I exclaim with overconfidence. Upon the confirmation of an opening in my instructor's otherwise impregnable defense, I aim for a fatal blow. Though a quick strike would have sufficed and even given me extra room to think, consider, and even make different kinds of follow-ups depending on her reactions, I had chosen the more dangerous path. I was treading on thin ice here, risking defeat on such a small, inconsequential opportunity. Still, I had to forge ahead.
Such a small opportunity was rare when it came to master swordsmen. Even more so with my current opponent. If I was hoping for an outcome other than the usual complete defeat, I had to exploit every crack to her technique that I possibly could. This included the aforementioned 'opening' that my instructor was now showing.
「Your skill 'Intuition' is warning you」
A voice echoed in my head; I ignored it. It was probably inconsequential anyways. Anything that would interrupt me in my moment of almost certain victory could be nothing more than a vermin trying to interrupt me from my goal.
As we continued our clash of blades(practice ones), I make a move different than usual. I swerve my blade to her neck.
The opening was small and practically invisible to those not knowing 「North Sky Swordsmanship」 to a certain degree. Even if it was like putting a thread through a needle, I had to try it. I couldn't miss this chance.
For a second, I thought I saw my instructor grin.
"…Huh?"
The cloudy sky filled my vision.
Looks like it's going to rain soon
"You were much too hasty, immature disciple."
Ah
I thought with a bit humor. Though I was still surprised, I couldn't help but find the situation funny.
"THIS is how you do a throw."
As the ground grew closer and closer, a single thought remained.
Was that opening really worth it…?