How? How does she know? Who else knows? How could this happen to me? Why? I don’t dare to look at Sander in the eye when he asks me what’s going on. I don’t dare unclench my fists because if I do, havoc will break loose. The lump in my throat is now a full-on mountain, and I can’t for the life of me calm down. Blood pours into my ears with every thud knocking violently against my chest. I suck in all of the oxygen left inside this tiny room. But I still feel suffocated. I still feel empty. A rising thirst traverses through my body, but there is no water to be found. Just breathe. Just breathe, I tell myself. Too dizzy. I can’t.
I grip the table while a cold knot rips between my ribs. This is too much. I’m grappling onto my dear life right now, yet my strength is slipping away. With every passing second, my vision grows darker and narrower and my eyes turn into a kaleidoscopic. Stars spin from the ceiling. The way they split and regroup is hypnotizing. Sander’s pleading voice becomes faint, and then muted, until all I can hear is my heartbeat flip-flopping inside my belly. And then, I slowly find myself sinking to the floor. And I shut down.
I don’t know how much time passed before I’m able to get up and steady myself—it could have been 30 seconds or an hour. Or ten. All I know is that Sander is with me. He stayed by me this whole time. Damn. Before he miraculously integrated himself into my life, I never would have believed that someone would care for me this much. As a kid, I was left alone most of the time. Independence was what my parents called it, but I think they never planned on having a second child. One was enough. I got stuck with the leftovers.
But Sander is something else. No words can describe how grateful I am for him. When I look up, he runs his fingers along the roots of my hair while I regain awareness of the world. His hand is firm but demanding, massaging my scalp with a certain intensity to it that makes everything feel almost okay.
“Are you feeling better?” he whispers in a hushed tone.
“Mhmm, thank you,” I nod with precaution, making sure my head doesn’t start spinning in circles again.
“I’m glad.” His face shifts a little before pronouncing his next few words, as if he’s deliberating whether to carry them out or keep them inside. “May I ask what happened?”
“Um...” I freeze, unable to reveal the truth. The words aren’t there anymore; it’s all a mess of letters glued inside my brain. Thinking stops working, too.
“You don’t have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable,” he quickly adds, but I shake my head.
“No, no it’s not that. It’s just that Aurora found out,” my voice dwindles into a faint murmur, like saying it quieter would somehow ease this predicament I’ve landed myself in.
“Found out what?”
“That I like boys.”
“Oh.” The smile that was once on his face slips away, leaving nothing but a pair of expressionless pupils. It’s like all the emotions have been sucked out of him. I didn’t know how he would take it, but so far, he doesn’t seem angry. Sad, maybe. No, that’s not right either. Sorrow is a better word to describe him. Distressed. Unable to process this information.
“How?” his voice comes out slightly more high-pitched than he expected, causing his brows to furrow upwards.
“I have no idea. We were so careful.”
“Are you sure she meant to send that to you? Maybe it was intended for someone else. Or perhaps it was like a dare or joke on her part,” Sander scrunches his nose searching for excuses, though I’m not sure if he’s trying to convince himself or me. Either way, all these possible scenarios seem incredibly improbable.
“I guess the only way to find out is to ask her,” I conclude, although I’m highly dreading that conversation.
“I guess so. I think I need some time to myself just to reflect upon all of this. Is it alright if we meet in the locker room tomorrow? he asks.
“Yes, that’s fine. I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to react, and I’m still trying to figure out who I am.” This is the most scared and confused I have ever been, but I don’t tell him that. The last thing I want is to look even more like a crybaby than I already do. Before scooting towards the door, he gives my hand a comforting squeeze. It’s a small gesture, but one that touches my heart. It shows that he cares about me. That he’s there for me. After he lets go, we part ways, each heading in our own directions.
When I flop onto my bed is when I break down the walls that have been holding me hostage. I can feel a fit of brimming anger blossoming its way into my soul, rippling me with pangs of guilt and frustration. When I let myself get involved with a boy, I swore to myself that it would be kept a secret. That no one would ever know. The single promise I made to myself has now been shattered, and there’s no longer the fight in me to face the repercussions. How could I be so stupid? I should’ve known better. If only I could stop letting my emotions get in the way and start using my head. Then my life would have a whole different outcome.
To keep my temper from sparking any further, I clutch my pillow. With my mouth fully immersed in it, I let out muffled cries until my voice dies. With rage pulsing from my veins, I karate-chop the same pillow until feathers come flying out of it. Now, hands too sore for any more punching, I curl into a tight ball underneath the covers and cry myself to sleep.
The alarm clock that wakes me up gets immediately shoved to the floor when reality sinks in. At least no one else knows, right? Thank God it’s only Aurora, one of the select few people who I can actually trust to keep their mouth sealed. Speaking of her, we are in desperate need of a talk. I forgot to text her back yesterday, so I do it now. Meet me at the back of the cafeteria for breakfast. To talk. I have so many questions. Can you explain everything to me? My hands are trembling like crazy by the time I hit the send button. I gulp down my saliva and take a swig of water. Then I walk as fast as humanly possible to the cafeteria. Yup, omw now! I sneak a look at her reply before entering the almost empty room.
The second she lands herself on the seat facing me, I bombard her with questions.
“When did you hear this rumor? Who started it? Who else knows?”
“Okay. Okay, slow down. We have plenty of time so there’s no need to rush. It all started with this random text I got from an anonymous number. Strange, right? I mean, why choose me? Well, whoever they are, they sent me a video.”
“A video? That’s awfully weird. Did you watch it?”
“If I’m being honest, I wasn’t even going to click it,” she confesses. “But then I remembered that my grandma was wanting to connect with me, so I thought that there was a chance it could be from her. Long story short, when I saw your face propped up against someone else in the video, I was so confused.”
“Are you serious?” I cut her off. “This is insane. The person behind this must be mentally ill or something to think they have the audacity to leak confidential affairs like this. What did they record me doing?”
“It looked like you were kissing someone, so I thought that maybe the person that sent me this had intentions to make me jealous. People knew that I had a thing for you. However, when I saw that it was a boy you were kissing, I was absolutely mortified. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always support you no matter what, though this was something I would never in a billion years expect to see. And when I realized it was Sander, I was even more flabbergasted,” she bites her lip in contemplation, probably deciding if she should continue on or wait for me to speak.
The way she’s so calm about all of this makes me want to yell in contrast. I don’t take her news lightly; except I also don’t have the energy to let it unjumble in my mind. I don’t get it. Why would someone do this to me? I know I’ve made some enemies, but those were all in my past. They should’ve probably all forgotten me by now anyway. I came here for a fresh start, a clean slate, though it seems like I’m cursed. There’s no escaping my eternal doom.
My body is physically incapable of experiencing any more pain, and my heart might as well be buried in a grave next to Hector because it has stopped working a long time ago. I thought that coming to Aurora would loosen this burden that’s been choking me by the neck, but it has only strangled me harder.
“Nicolas?” Aurora waves her hand up and down in front of my face. “You there?”
“Yeah,” I say, bringing my attention back to her. I must have zoned out for quite a while because the cafeteria is now flooded with students. “I was just thinking. I might as well stab myself now because this is worse than death.”
“Please, don’t say that! Even if it was a joke, it’s not funny. We’ll get through this,” her tone suddenly becomes serious.
“You expect me to live when all I do is suffer? It’s only a matter of time until people know and I’m exiled far away or something.”
“Seriously, Nicolas. You’ll be okay. It's only a video, and I’m sure the person who sent it to me has realized how wrong it was of him.”
“I can only hope. This is truly the worst day of my life,” I frown. I mean, nothing can compare to this.
“It could be worse,” Aurora reassures me. “It could be worse,” she repeats, as if saying it a second time would change something. I do admire her efforts, but everything she’s telling me is going in one ear and out the other. She opens her mouth again, but I cover it with my hand before the first syllable comes out.
“Can we eat now? I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I say to her, grabbing a loaf and bread and chewing on it.
“For sure, I’m starving.” She dives into her meal while we gloss over some lighter topics like classes, sports, and anything else that I could think of to keep my mind off the video.
“I’m taking acting classes,” Aurora announces.
“Woah, that’s so cool. I could see you being an actress in the future. You certainly have the charm for it,” I compliment. Acting, huh? I’ve heard that it helps people express themselves, so perhaps I should look into that. Besides, whatever can keep me busy, I’ll do. The more the merrier.
“Why thank you,” she replies. “It’s always been a dream of mine to make it big. I’ve been going through this monologue over and over again to the point where the words don’t even sound like words anymore. Does that make sense at all?”
“It totally does,” I assure her. “That’s kind of how I felt when I had to deliver these tedious speeches for the royal family.”
“Oh, good. I’m glad I’m not the only one.”
“It’s nice that you’ve found this passion of yours. I wish it were that easy for me, but my indecisiveness has made me unable to pursue one path.”
“I’m sure your time will come,” she grins. “Don’t sweat it; you’re incredibly talented at everything you set your mind to.”
“Thanks, Aurora. That’s really sweet of you to say that.” We’re both about three-quarters finished eating our meal, when a loud slam a few tables away interrupts us. The noisy chit-chat of the lunchroom dies down while one of the seniors stands up to announce something.
“Oh. My. God,” he screams.
“What?” another senior asks. By now, all the attention is on him, everyone anticipating what he’s about to say.
“The crown prince kissed a boy!”