No, no, no, no, no. Please let this be a dream. This can’t be happening right now. I refuse to believe my ears. I refuse to believe this. Paranoia simmers through me with every increasing stare, until pangs of scopophobia start slashing through, making me lightheaded. My terror grows into a tangible, living force that creeps over me like a famished beast, immobilizing me, holding me captive.
“Nicolas, is this true?” Marvin shoots me a disgusted look. And here I was, thinking we were friends. My brain freezes. So does my breathing. So does my mouth. Help. Please someone help. I frantically search for someone to magically come to my rescue, but no one does. Cold glares are all I see. Cold, icy death stares. I’m paralyzed. Stuck in place. Not physically, but emotionally. Like someone decided to superglue my heart to the floor. A few seconds pass by, way too slowly, as if the world decided that now would be the perfect time to play out in slow motion.
I’m being watched... by the whole school. And even if my mouth could unfreeze, whatever I’d say would be judged. And if I don’t say anything, I’ll still be judged. So, I do the only thing left. I do the only thing I can do. I run. To the only place where people will leave me alone. My dorm. I slam my door with all my might and shove whatever pieces of furniture I have against it. This is one of the times where a lock would be extremely helpful, but the stupid school regulations decided that privacy was not a must.
My phone has begun vibrating non-stop, so I shut it down and hurl it against the rough carpet. A loud thump releases from the impact, but I don’t even care. If my phone breaks, so be it. I can buy another one. But if my reputation gets fractured, that’s something that can’t be replaced, nor repaired. I don’t know what to do. I truly don’t know how I can live this down. I’ll be the laughing stock of the century, and I already know that the journalists are dying to draw their own conclusions and squeeze all the juice out of this.
I curl myself into a tight little ball and wish to disappear. If only I could be erased from this universe. I can’t help but worry about how my mother is going to react to this situation. She’ll be so demoralized. I know it. Her only remaining son, and it turns out he’s nothing but normal. Nothing like his mother. I am the epitome of a disappointment, a complete disgrace to the hierarchy. My life is in shambles, and the broken pieces are scattered too far apart for me to fix. The thought that I was born in the wrong body has occurred to me several times, yet this is the first time I really believe that to be true. If I were any random person, then people wouldn’t look twice at me. But this is my luck, and I can’t change who I am.
When I finally turn on my phone, I am swept by a trillion text messages. My eyes narrow when I come across my mother's message, saying that she’s coming up here right now. Oh god. I’m not at all ready for this conversation. I will never be ready, but I know there’s no avoiding her. If people thought I was stubborn, then she is ten times worse. I inherited it from her after all.
The only other message that I bother opening is from Cyrus. I feel so bad that you have to deal with this. Look! I click on the link he attached, which directs me to the Bayscoop, the school’s gossip column. Bayshore is notorious for spreading ruthless rumors of unsuspecting students. I can’t think of any good reason for this to be existing in the first place, although everyone always seems to be flocking towards it, tempted by the juicy gossip. Knowledge is power, and information is key. So, when I see my face blasted in the front headlines, it confirms that the entire school knows. Worst of all, the video is there too, and you can clearly see that it’s me and Sander.
Three knocks, and the blood circulating through my body stiffens. Three knocks, and my palms begin sweating. Three knocks, and my leg trembles with restlessness. Three knocks are all it takes for my anxiety to come flooding back, except this time the wave of nerves has grown into a huge, unstoppable tsunami. Reluctantly, I push aside the furniture blocking the door to let my mother in.
“Oh, Nicolas,” she reaches out her hand to feel my forehead, like how she used to when I was a little kid. It’s hard to look her in the eye, so instead, I stare at her nose, unready for confrontation.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble out an apology in advance. I have no idea how she’ll take this in, but what I do know is that I’m absolutely, utterly screwed.
“You realize that your actions have consequences, don’t you?” she rises to an accusatory tone. Her face is vacant, nothing like the way she used to talk to me. Her forgiveness is a thin thread, and I’m afraid that it’s been broken.
“Yes, I know,” I blink at her, fully aware that I’m in scorching hot water. I don’t need to be reminded of how much I messed up this time.
“From the looks of it, there’s not much we’ll be able to do to cover this up. It’s the hottest gossip in the country, and people will be talking about this for weeks, if not months,” she lets out a long sigh.
“So then, what am I supposed to do?”
“Well, there’s no way that we can deny the video. Yet, what we can deny is that it’s you in the video.”
“There’s no way anyone would believe that,” I deride.
“Listen, this is your only hope,” she blusters in a manner that almost comes across aggressively. “There’s no solid proof that it’s you, so all that people can do is speculate. But if you deny that it’s you, they will have no further lead and eventually drop it.”
“I don’t believe it. There’s no coming back from this,” I retort, unconvinced. “Anyone with a pair of eyes can see that it’s me.”
“Maybe, but it’s your best shot. As ludicrous as it sounds, there’s the slightest sliver of possibility that this could be salvageable. I’ll give you until next week to decide how you want to go about this, but I highly suggest you announce that you weren’t the one in that video.”
“I don’t know what to say. This is so unfair. I have to make a decision that will shape the rest of my life, and I’m only being given a few, measly days,” I protest. My complaints seem valid to me, but she doesn’t budge.
“That’s just how life works, bud. You can’t have everything you want. Oh, and before I forget, I want you to stop seeing Sander. That means cutting off all contact with him. It would only set off more speculation, and we don’t need any more of that in our lives. Okay?” She gives me a nudge with her elbow and doesn’t wait for me to respond before exiting my room.
I’m left alone to gather my thoughts, which are too overwhelming for me to think clearly. I don’t want to put any more thought into this, but at the same time, I have to devise a plan for myself. What’s next? Do I straight-up lie to thousands of people? From my mother’s perspective, that’s the best and only option. But I am not my mother. What’s best for me? It’s funny that she thinks that she can dictate my life. That’s simply not how the world works, because I’m the one at the front of the steering wheel and I will decide my future. She can’t make me do anything.
I still need to talk to Sander. I need to. Nothing will stop me. And that’s exactly what I do. He’s not at school. He’s not in the garden. I search for him everywhere, but it seems like he’s disappeared from the face of the Earth. I’m left resorting to the last option. The doorbell rings, and I have to wait for a solid minute before I hear any life coming from the other side.
And even then, it’s not Sander who answers, but Nova. Her eyebrows jolt upwards at the sight of my face as if I were the last person she was expecting to be propped up against the railings on her porch.
“Um, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here,” she blurts out.
“I know,” I say, biting the tip of my tongue. “But can I please talk to him? It’ll be very quick, I promise.” She shoots me a cynical look, but ultimately obliges.
“You better find a way to fix this!” she yells back at me while I storm up the stairs. Her words roll around at the back of my mind as I approach the door. There he is, perched up against the windowsill, absorbing the sunny rays shining relentlessly against his skin. It gives him sort of a glowing aura, one that illuminates all his best features. I almost don’t want to disturb him from his peace.
Eventually though, I build up the courage to tap his shoulder, indicating that we’re due for a talk. Unlike his sister, he seems like he’s been expecting me. He brushes the hair out of his face and turns around to look at me with scornful eyes. He’s hurting.
“I hate when you look like this,” I reach out to cup his hand, but he flinches at my touch. This is the first time that he’s physically pushed me away, and it stings just a little more than I care to admit. I know how hard this is for him, and I wish I knew how to help him more. For now, all I can do is stick by him and be there whenever he needs me. I won’t let him go. Not if I can help it.
There’s a slight pause slicing the air in two. It takes him a long time to turn around, but he still doesn’t face me. His head is dangling down to his chin when he opens his mouth.
“I honestly don’t know how you’re still able to function like a normal human being, Nicolas. I’m breaking down. I can’t handle it,” he mutters out between exasperated breaths. His cheeks diminish in color until it’s so pale that it looks as if they’ve been bleached. I bring myself closer to him and wrap my arms around his neck. This time, he surrenders to my touch.
“We’re in this together, you and I,” I murmur softly into his left ear. “I wanted to check in on you today to make sure you’re okay. You’re still going to school tomorrow, right?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t want to,” he groans.
“Just ignore the haters. They have nothing on you. Like, no proof, I mean. Meet me at the lockers? I need you.”
“Okay...” he replies, and I release him from my grasp. I make it one foot out of his room before I hear him call out my name.
“Wait, Nicolas!” My head flips back right as his words land, in time to see him running full-speed in my direction. With no warning, he leaps himself onto me, embracing me tightly.
“This is my thank you hug to you, for being there for me,” he grins, pecking a quick kiss on my cheek. This is quite unexpected, but nice. The moment is short-lived though since we can now hear an annoyed Nova barging up the stairs.
“I’m closing my eyes and counting to ten. You better be out of my sight by then, or they’ll be consequences. I have to talk with my brother, and it can’t wait,” she yells. “One, two, three...” I sneak in a wave to Sander before sprinting down and out the front door. I almost topple over and lose my balance, but I’m able to catch myself against the railings. Phew!
From what I have seen so far, Nova is not someone you want to mess with. She’s fierce and cunning, and knows how to get her way. Rarely do I ever see her soft side, but I know it exists because of how protective she is over her family. I wish I could feel the same way about my own family. Yet over time, my relationship with them has been continuously fading, dissolving faster than ink on cardboard paper.
Aside from my immediate family, my closest connection would have to be Juliano. Yep, I’m talking about my arrogant cousin who thinks he’s better than everyone else. Although I still never feel like I’ll consider him a “friend”, we do have an unspoken bond between us. We’ve both experienced loss and an adequate amount of pain, and I think that we’ve both grown a lot from that.
Speaking of Juliano, when I jog back to school, I find him leaning against the door to my dorm. He doesn’t notice me right away since he’s too busy scrolling through something on his phone. I fake a cough which shoots him up from his laid-back position. He instantly shuts off whatever he was doing and clears his throat.
“Oh, hey. I was waiting for you,” he starts. “You know I have your back, right? If anyone’s troubling you, you can tell me and I’ll kick their ass.”
“Um, thanks but I think I can handle it. Sorry about the last Force meeting, by the way. That was totally wrong of me for running my mouth about your financial situation,” I apologize to him because the guilt was eating me alive. One of these days, I’ll learn to think before I act.
“It’s whatever. Miss Charlemagne told me you helped pay for the tuition fees, so I guess that makes up for it,” he shrugs. Seeing him right now brings me back to the times when Hector and I would talk all night. I’d rant to him nonstop about my problems, and he would listen.
Somehow, he always knew how to fix my hardships. Their resemblance is unreal, and I can’t believe I’m only now realizing that. I wish that Hector was here with me now because I could really use his help. He’d know how to handle this. He always knows what to do.
“Well, I’ll see you later bro. Don’t be afraid to come talk to me if you need anything,” he winks, completely oblivious of my abrupt change in mood. He vanishes before I’m able to gather my thoughts together, so I go into my dorm to think through everything I’ve done to arrive at this outcome. I don’t bother taking a shower, and only vaguely brush my teeth before slumping into bed. I fall asleep replaying this week’s events in my head. Aurora’s text. My panic attack. The most embarrassing breakfast of my life. How much worse can it get?