Both were red in the face. It was a position they enjoyed but yet were embarrassed about. They were hugging, wrapped around each other, up against the bookshelf. Again, this wasn't normal behavior or a normal thing two male kin of different clans to be doing. "I know you don't remember, but I used to call you Bingwen. I know I've told you before." Jinghua started, "I miss that. We used to be so close. So close…" He squeezed Bingwen tighter. "I guess what I'm trying to say is..there's something I've been thinking about…" Bingwen remembered the time Jinghua whispered to him. He remembered what Jinghua had told him. Jinghua had whispered the exact words that were meant to be secret, 'Bingwen, I like you'. But what did that mean? Was Jinghua confessing an attraction or was he saying that because they were friends? "Do you remember the dream you had?" Jinghua asked, which surprised Bingwen. How did Jinghua know about his dream? "What if I said the dream was real. At least…the part about you and I." Bingwen shoved his face into Jinghua, embarrassed. "If there is something you are trying to confess to, just tell me! I feel like you're teasing me.." Bingwen exclaimed. Jinghua chuckled and rested his head on Bingwen's shoulder.
"I don't understand it, Bingwen. The way you make me feel. It's like having feelings for a girl, for your sister, but it isn't because it's you. I know it isn't right but I feel something towards you. I always have. And I'm scared, Bingwen. I'm scared this is a one way thing. It hurts, my heart or something aches whenever you smile at me, whenever you laugh, whenever you say things to me that mean a lot. I wish I could understand how I feel. But I think…I have feelings for you. Do you feel the same about me?" Bingwen stood stunned. He didn't know what to say. All he could do was blush. Jinghua lifted his head, bent down to reach Bingwen's level, and kissed him. Bingwen was shocked. Jinghua didn't seem bothered at all, closing his eyes and making it seem like he had done this before. His shoulders were relaxed while Bingwen was stiff and tense, nervously trying to pull away. Jinghua had become soft the more he had been with Bingwen.
Jinghua let go and pulled away form Bingwen, both panted as if they ran a mile. Bingwen understood completely now. Jinghua was confessing his affection to him. "Ning Cheng…There are so many things that could go wrong. We could get executed. But….I'll think about it." said Bingwen, looking away, his ears, hand , and cheeks flushing with red. Jinghua came close again and hugged Bingwen.
"I'll wait for you then," said Jinghua,
It felt like he was dreaming. He had to shake his head and pinch his arm to make sure he wasn't still asleep. He wasn't.
"Bingwen, I want to call you that again." said Jinghua, walking around the library, touching the books with his fingertips like he could read them that way. Bingwen wanted to blurt out 'I don't mind' but couldn't find the words. He just stood there against the bookshelf, he didn't know what to think. There had been a lot to think about, a lot had been said. How was he supposed to feel? "I just don't understand." said Bingwen, Jinghua turned back to look at him. Bingwen looked like he was on the brink of tears.
"What do you mean? Did I word it wrong?" replied Jinghua, concerned. Bingwen shook his head.
"I just don't understand why it's me. I don't even remember you! And…that isn't fair. How am I supposed to love someone if I don't even remember them? And besides, we're both men. What about punishment and reputation? I just don't know how to feel." he wiped away a single tear that fell from his face, "and then you assure me that everything is going to alright but how do you know that? How do you know that?"
Jinghua sighed. "I don't know everything. But I do somewhat know how I feel. So whatever your answer may be, I'll still feel the same way. And nothing, nothing will change that."
Jinghua left the library, leaving Bingwen. He rushed to his room. He questioned why he did that and if he regretted it. Did he? It really seemed like he got what he wanted but he wondered if it was what Bingwen wanted. He felt alone. He couldn't talk to anyone about this without the risk of punishment.