My eyes hurt so much from the amount of crying I did last night; once I started, everything I had bottled up in the last few months just came out uncontrollably. I think it will be good for Caden and me to have a break, leave him to understand what he wants, and make himself feel better.
Maybe I can focus on myself for a bit.
I notice that in a few days it will be Brody's birthday, and he is turning nine. I don't want him to grow up; it seems like he is still a baby who needs me. I am proud of how amazing he is and that he is more intelligent than I ever was. He keeps asking where Caden is, and I have to say he is too busy to come around, but I can tell he knows I am lying.
It's very early, and he is still asleep, but I want to make his birthday very special and fun for him. It's been a tough week for all of us: Brody missing Caden, mom working late every night, me trying to look after myself and Brody, and focusing on forgetting Caden.
I look around the kitchen and into the living room at the decorations I spent most of the night and early this morning putting up. I hope it looks good and that Brody will like it. I wanted to surprise Brody with a party a few days before his proper birthday. I am so lost in my head that I don't hear little patters of feet on the ground. I look behind me, and I see the birthday boy himself.
With a massive smile on both our faces, we run to each other, and I hug him with all my might, and he does the same back. We are spinning around laughing.
"Happy birthday! You are finally nine!" He shows me his amazing, cute smile.
"Thank you, Lala." I'm glad he hasn't stopped calling me that. "Who did all this?"
"The magic birthday fairy did it."
"Really?" He looked confused, like a stranger had just told him dogs can talk.
"No! I did it!" We both look at each other in hysterics. After we are done laughing, he just looks at me.
"Thank you so much; I love it!"
Well, I'm glad you like it, buddy. How about you have your breakfast and go to school and tell your friends that you are having a party and I am going to make lots of their favourite foods?"
As I am saying this, I've never seen him almost in tears from what I am hoping is happiness. I hope those tears never turn sad.
"Is Caden coming? I haven't seen him in ages," a piece inside me breaks, but I keep the smile on and just tell him we will see.
When I told Brody to invite his friends, I didn't realise how many he had. It looks like he invited his entire school. It's a good distraction, but if I have to tell one more child to stop trying to touch the cake, they will be lucky enough to keep both hands by the time this party is over.
As I am rushing around with the help of Clara and mom, who took the day off from work for Brody, it warms my heart that she is trying to make up for lost time. Dad should be arriving in a bit; at least they are both trying for us, so I can't complain.
I manage to get all the kids playing games that I grew up with because I don't really know what kids like these days. Because of how many kids are in our garden, I had to split them up into groups, one playing pass the parcel (which I am very glad Clara thought of and did herself earlier when I was brainstorming game ideas), another playing musical chairs, and the other playing musical statues, same music, different moves.
"Keep up the good work, sweetheart," I hear mom say beside me.
Oh, and someone says they are here to see you." She gives me a look, knowing who it is but not giving any hint away. I hope to God that it's not who I think it is.
I head inside to the front door, and I wish I could be wrong, but karma hates me, and I see a boy who looks like he hasn't slept in months, and his hair is messy. Caden won't look me in the eye, avoiding me, and it doesn't look like he's happy he is here for Brody.
I look to his left to see a guy I've never seen before, and it's easy to see he is good-looking with his brown eyes and messy blonde hair.
"Hi, I'm Grayson." He smiles at me and holds out his hand for me to shake. I take it and say my name back. I turn to Caden and see him looking at me through his sad eyes. I start to feel bad, and I almost lift my arms to hug him, but then I remember the pain I felt yesterday.
He makes one gesture, holding out the present I see in his hand; he takes one look into my eyes, and I see nothing but emptiness. He turns around to leave, but Grayson holds his black jacket and turns him to face me.
"Caden here was thinking of quickly seeing your brother Brody and giving him the present," Grayson says so calmly and confidently. I don't say anything, but I look at Caden and nod my head without smiling. Does he even deserve one? Caden walks outside with his head down.
I invite Grayson inside, and the second we enter the garden, it's calmer now since all the kids sugar rush is almost gone.
"Wow, are you sure you're still alive?" Grayson laughs next to me as I laugh with him.
"Barely," I reply.
As I am putting the rest of the juice boxes out for the children, I catch sight of Caden talking to Brody. Brody has given him the smile that lights up the room, and for the first time, I see Caden return it willingly.
"So, how do you know Caden?" asking curiously, maybe Grayson was the person Caden was on the phone to sometimes.
"We both grew up in the same neighborhood so we have each others backs considering the shit that can happen, I am at university so I'm a few years older, but I am rarely down for the weekend so I figured that now I am back for a few days he could need someone. We talked on the phone a few days ago and he seems more reserved than the best friend I knew and grew up with, but he did tell me a few things" he gives me a knowing look which makes me want to get in my shell and drift out to sea.
"I also knew his mother and sister, not to mention his asshole of a father"
"What was Rose like?"
"Even though she was young she said whatever was on her mind, she adored Caden, he really was the best brother to her. Looking out for her, teaching her things, making sure she was safe and out of trouble" he drifts off remembering her.
"I guess that's one of the reasons he is attached to Brody so much, reminds him of her"
"Yeah, I know" I reply, noticing that when he saw Caden he has been having the biggest smile I've seen in days.
My heart aches.
"He really likes your brother, you know," I see Grayson watching my eyes carefully. I don't answer him.
"I saw a difference in him the past few weeks until that phone call— but none the less a positive difference. You were good for him. You still are" I stare at Grayson with confused eyes, and I know instantly that Caden told him about our fight.
"I saw a picture of you on Caden's phone earlier today, and judging by your face, you didn't know." I think back to all the times I spent with Caden wondering when he was able to take a picture.
As Caden stands up, his eyes go to me and then go to Grayson's quickly, as if mine were fire and his were wood and it would burn him.
"Please don't be so hard on him. I can see you both not only want each other but also need each other. You both need time, and even I can see that, but please don't give up on him. Apart from me, you and Brody are the only family he has, and I can see he likes you a lot more than he is letting on." He smiles sadly and walks away to where Caden left.
I'm stuck standing there in shock.
Should I forgive Caden? Or is it best to leave each other alone?
I hope I make the right decision.