This feeling of relief was something new to me, if what I was even feeling was relief at all. It was foreign, an uncharted territory that I cannot recall ever having felt for the last nineteen - almost twenty years of my life.
The past was, after all - a time much simpler than now when I hated lying. Now lying felt like second nature to me.
Distractions were the only escape I had in times like these, and a definite welcome from my gloomy thoughts. One that came in the form of an alarm clock as my eyes settled onto the inanimate object sitting peacefully on my side table.
11.45 a.m.
For some reason I felt as if the digits were glaring at me - or maybe it was just my insecurities acting up again. I couldn't tell if it was just the assumption of my introverted self, or the truth that I'm too much of a coward to face. Because at the end of the day, disregarding things has always been the easier way out.
But today wasn't something I could avoid like everything else no matter how much I wanted to. This wasn't about what I wanted. And I wasn't about to let all these days spent in misery go to waste just like that.
Which is partly - no, mostly why I had stayed up till dawn last night planning a schedule in my diary for things I was supposed to be doing today. Alas my efforts happened to be a waste of time because I was still lying in bed like I had been yesterday, or the day before.
At this point I wasn't even sure if I was dreaming or if reality really was after all, this disappointing. The clock however, seemed to be absolutely sure of the answer to my silent question. It made me question, if only for a second that if I was supposed to feel annoyed or grateful.
11.47 a.m.
But reality was indeed disappointing as the warning bells in my head went off at the horrifying sight in front of me. It was then I realized that time was running out, that the day I had been dreading for weeks was finally here. And it was time to get out of my head and face life.
Everything onward relied on my quick thinking skills, the schedule be damned. Luckily, I managed to get freshened up in exactly seven minutes. And that was supposed to be the end of the bathroom trip, I should've been rushing down the stairs by now. But I find myself staring into the mirror that I just can't seem to get rid of despite my numerous tries.
Perhaps it was cursed or magical like the one in snow white. But I knew, deep within I knew these were all just self-made lies I told myself over and over again in hopes that I would believe them someday. To escape reality and the painful memories hidden beneath the depths of the brown eyes staring back at me that I'd rather forgo than remember ever again.
More often than not I have longed to have my mother's blue eyes rather than my father's brown ones. Her voice clear as day in my head as she tells me everyday, an ungrateful child you are, Eva. And I couldn't have agreed more, after all it was the only truth I have ever agreed with more than anything in my entire life.
12.00 p.m.
By sheer luck, I find myself prepped up exactly by twelve despite the obvious delay. So I quickly slip out of my room and into the elegant white marble hallways, especially customized by my father who knew it was too much considering he didn't even live here half the time.
Everything else - the rooms, the stairs, the foyer followed in a similar manner, extravagant and pointless. Like every other day, the foyer was cocooned in silence as I stepped past the last of the stairs. The atmosphere usually comforted me but today it bothered me instead for reasons I didn't know.
Somehow it made me yearn for something that I have never, until now, willingly wanted to seek. One of these things included the past that I never liked to dwell on, an old wound that still felt too raw. A version of myself that was happy and grateful for the things, for the people I was blessed with. Maybe he took it all with hi-
'You look lost.' The words made me jump.
Maybe it was the surprise that made me leap almost halfway across the room as every single thought I had had not even a second ago fled my mind. Or maybe it was the deep voice, the kind that gives you goosebumps and leaves you breathless for days until oxygen forces you to breath again.
It didn't sound like a complete exaggeration seeing as the guy had caught me off guard but all those cheesy, romance novels I have collected throughout the years have affected me at least a little. Though deep down I knew this wasn't some case of love at first sight, I couldn't help but think otherwise.
The voice belonged to an extremely good-looking guy so it was only fair that I was checking him out, quite obviously at that. It's not like I saw hot guys everyday with the summer vacations and all except in movies. But I force myself to snap out of it when I notice his lips are moving.
'..saw you were standing in the middle of the foyer and staring off into oblivion-' his expression turned a little serious as he asked, '-are you alright?'
Although I vaguely remember opening my mouth, the answer on the tip of my tongue but his eyes held all of my attention. Like tahitian pearls on a rainy night with flecks of prussian blue shining through. It was a unique cross between black and blue, one that had me completely hypnotized.
This wasn't something all those novels had ever mentioned, or anyone else for that matter. In fact, nobody ever said that the world around me would fade away while I would continue to stare into the eyes of my lover. Was he a vampire? It wasn't likely to be possible because he wasn't wearing any rings so the guy should've been no more than a pile of ash by now.
But vampirism wasn't the case, and unfortunately I knew that. Nothing made sense to what was happening. Not the hot guy who had appeared out of nowhere and charmed me with his good looks, not the state of paralysis I was trapped in for staring into those damned eyes, and especially not the meadow I was standing in that had appeared out of nowhere.
No more did I stand in the luxury of my house, but rather in a lush green meadow I didn't even know existed until now. Suddenly I wish that for once I hadn't been such an ungrateful bitch. Maybe he was indeed a vampire and had transported me to some alternate universe as a punishment for my crimes of sorts. Could vampires even do that?
However, before I could even process my surroundings, the woosh of an arrow caught my attention. The thought of exploring the meadow hadn't been at the forefront of my mind until now. Besides, from where I was standing, all I could see was miles upon miles of grass. A few barren hills that I could vaguely make out in the distance, and that was it.
There wasn't anything in particular that hinted my whereabouts, except a guy dressed in a dusty, old robin hood outfit about ten feet away from me. Nothing about his appearance seemed welcoming, but I wasn't having many options here. So with an obvious strain in my steps, I walked in his direction, stopping only when I was a foot behind him; it would be a while before he saw me anyway. So taking advantage of the opportunity, I observe him, desperately hoping that he wasn't a complete, random stranger. Although I can't remember having met any guy in my entire life who held an interest in archery, yet alone was this good at the sport.
Unconsciously, my hand reaches out to touch his shoulder out of plain curiosity. But what followed next wasn't, that was mainly the result of my panic-stricken state. Air wasn't something that I had wanted to grasp when I had reached out to touch him, I expected something more physical. Not a projection of a guy I could outstretch my hand through. Was everything around me yet another figment of my imagination?
The panic that followed was obvious when I realized the answer wasn't something I knew. That was the moment I felt fear set in and I became completely hysterical. 'I want to go home, please, please let me go.' My voice sounded so far away as if I was speaking from the other end of a tunnel, 'I don't want to be here! Who the fuck are you and where the hell have you taken me?! Tell me! Answer me! Please say something, anything.'
Slowly, anger gave away and tears blurred my vision, I could barely see the guy as I sunk to the ground - feeling utterly hopeless. There was no use screaming, the guy was like a robot. My whimpers faded away after a few seconds as numbness took over. Wiping away a few stray tears, I stood up to face the guy who was still busy shooting his spiritual arrows.
A feeling of unease settled into my gut as my eyes lifted up to meet his, the exact same prussian blue ones. Maybe it was the unusual color or the gasp that followed which forced the scenery to fade away. But I find myself staring into his eyes once again as the world around me fades away for a second time. Just like that, I blink and I'm standing in my extravagant house again as if everything was yet another dream.
The beginnings of a headache forces me to shut my eyes in pain, barely giving me time to register anything else. It felt like a clamp was trying to squeeze my brains out. Though, just barely beyond the pounding in my head, I could feel someone shaking me wildly. But the constant ringing in my years was making it hard to discern what they were saying.
'...what did I do?' I faintly heard the voice ask, 'Please say something... are you alright- ...Raven?'
As soon as I heard the last word though, even through the pain I heard my gasp echo throughout the silence. My ears were deceiving me, I was sure of that because only he called me that. It's been years, it wasn't possible. The headache subsided like it was never there to begin with, until I was able to function normally again.
When I was sure I wouldn't stutter, I spoke my thoughts aloud, 'You called me Raven.' My voice sounded hoarse as if I had been living in the Sahara for all my life, but that wasn't what caught my attention. The prussian blue eyes did. Somehow we were both seated side by side on the bottom of the stairs.
'What?' He sounded shocked. It occurred to me that maybe he didn't realize what he was saying. But that gut-wrenching feeling still hadn't subsided, it was only getting worse.
'You called me Raven. How do you know my name?'
At that, his prussian blue eyes turned a shade darker, almost making me believe that they had been black from the beginning. But as soon as I blinked, the look was gone. Instead, he almost looked shy. 'Well, you remind me of someone I used to know. I-um called her that-Raven, so it must have slipped. Sorry.' He gave me a sheepish smile as he apologized.
Though he sounded genuine, the glint in his eyes proved otherwise. For a second, I just blinked at him before deciding to let it go. The gut feeling was too strong and I just wanted to get out. The smile I gave him was so fake even I could feel it but I continued nonetheless, 'Oh, it's no problem.' I waved a dismissive hand, 'As much as I'd love to stay here and talk, I've things to do, places to be. And I'm guessing you're here for my father, the office is straight down the left hall. I'll see you around?'
Silence greeted me when I finished. The guy stared at me and it made me realize how rude I sounded, but he recovered just as quick before I could make a move to apologize, 'Yes, of course. I look forward to seeing you again. Hopefully, this time minus the creepy stuff, yeah? By the way, my name's Alex.'
Despite the chill that creeped up my spine upon hearing his comment on the creepy stuff, I laughed, 'Of course, I'm Raven. Nice to meet you, Alex.'
'Take care, Raven.' Alex gave me a nod before walking away and I smiled at his retreating back. For some reason I couldn't stop smiling, yet every step that led him away from me made me nauseous. The nausea was completely unexpected because I thought getting rid of Alex was the only solution.
As he rounded the corner and disappeared from my sight, I felt bile rise up my throat. Immediately, my feet took off in the direction of the closest bathroom, which just so happened to be in the dining room. Surprisingly, the room was empty as I rushed to the toilet to puke my guts out. It made me realize that something was very, very wrong, I knew that but I didn't know what.
Everything had started since that weird dream in the meadow with the archer guy and I knew it was all somehow connected to Alex. But I didn't even know the guy until half an hour ago. Wait, what time is it?
'Raven? Are you alright?' My mother's voice rang through the door as I quickly cleaned myself up. There was no way I was letting her find out, she wouldn't understand anyway.
'Yes, of course. Why do you ask?' I questioned instead after washing my face and mouth thoroughly. The vomit had left a bad taste behind.
'I saw you running to the bathroom.' She said quietly just as I opened the door to face my perfectionist of a mother, Brielle Elise Troy. It was quite a mouthful truth be told.
'Diarrhoea.' I answered shortly upon seeing the worry on her face so she would stop asking questions. We walked over to the dining table together and sat in our designated seats quietly. One of the servers served us breakfast and walked away after bowing at our thanks.
However as soon as the server was out of earshot, mother began again, 'Should I call the doctor?'
Taking in a deep breath to calm myself, I shook my head saying, 'No, I'll be fine.' She opened her mouth to argue but I continued, 'Where's father?' The question made her hesitate and I raised an eyebrow at her. That seemed to have made her forget whatever she was thinking as she answered shrugging, 'He should be here any minute.'
On cue my father, Kendrick Troy, strode into the room dressed as elegant as ever. Despite his age, he didn't look a day over thirty-five. Sometimes the only reason I believe my mother stuck around for so long was for my father's good looks. Not that my mother wasn't pretty, it's just that time has taken a toll on her more than it has on my father.
Another server, a different one this time brought out my father's breakfast after he was seated. 'Good Morning. Brielle. Raven.'
There was nothing affectionate in his words, it sounded more like an office greeting than something you would say to your family. We, my mother and I, spoke our greetings together. It was quiet for a while, the only sound in the room was from the clinking utensils. My mother and I exchanged a few glances every once in a while.
'So, Evangeline,' I straightened up at the sound of my name, glancing at my father slightly, 'Alex told me you didn't look so well in the foyer.' The sound of his name made me stiffen which I immediately regretted. Now my father, already suspicious, had an even more reason to be so. 'I was feeling a bit nauseous.'
'Why?' He questioned without so much as a glance in my direction, my fists clenched underneath the table. 'I ate something bad last night.' I shrugged nonchalantly, refusing to see my mother who was continuously trying to catch my eye.
'You haven't been eating with us for days, why today?' He finally looked at me, scrutinising me under his piercing gaze. Lifting my head, I looked up straight into his eyes. It's now or never, and said, 'I need to talk to you about something.'
'What is it, Raven?' He asked not even looking up at me this time. From the corner of my eye, I could feel my mother staring at me with raised eyebrows. The question was splattered all over her face as I met my mother's eyes and gave a perceptual nod. Though she was still looking at me with concern, I averted my gaze quickly. Here we go. Taking in a deep breath, I said, 'I've been accepted at Manes.'
'Manes?' His tone sounded confused. Maybe he forgot about it and I could just leave without telling anyone. But knowing my parents, they will disown me like they disowned him. I mentally snorted, 'Yes, the university I told you about half an year ago.'
'You're not going.' The words were simple, spoken with a final tone, leaving no place for argument. But I wasn't giving up so easily this time. 'Yes, I am going. My flight is tomorrow-'
'You booked a flight?!' He slammed a fist on the table, making me jump from surprise. Out of the corner of my eye, I heard mother clear her throat, 'Kendrick. We decided we'll let her make her own choices.'
'This is absurd, Brielle! I told her she can't go there and she still applied.' His voice rose with every word to the point that he was shouting. But mother didn't look fazed in the least as if they were just chatting about the weather.
'You agreed that we will let her go to whatever university she wants to after... after him.' She stopped to take a shaky breath, her composure breaking. My father, seeing his wife's distressed state slightly calmed down a bit. 'Brielle..' He rubbed her hand comfortingly.
The action made me feel bitter for some reason and I pushed my chair against the tiled floor to grab their attention. Visibly steeling myself, I told them, 'Look, I don't care whatever you talked about. I'm going and that's final. If you're interested, I'll be leaving tomorrow.'
With the parting words, I turned around and walked away from them. The hard exterior I had put up was slipping away like sand from my hands and I knew I had to get away fast. Just as I stepped into the foyer, I heard my father's voice call out but I took no notice. The first tear had slipped and I knew the waterfall was due any second. Halfway up the stairs, my feet broke into a sprint and I rushed straight into my room. The waterfall broke as I fell on my bed, letting the sounds of my sobs fill the vacant hush of my room.
There was so much to deal with already, I didn't need my mother reminding me of him as well. My promise to my own self was broken, I couldn't even spend a day without bawling my eyes out like a baby. Why did you have to leave me, Natty? Why? So many questions that I had no answers to. Maybe he did hate me after all and lied about everything, I just wish I knew.
With blurry eyes and trembling lips, I sat up on my bed, hyperventilating. Even after all these years, I haven't healed. The pain and the hurt was simply too much. The small blade I kept in my side drawer has been untouched for almost a year now. Things had been so good during my last year at college, it made me forget I even had this. But now, everything was going downhill again. It felt as if I was reviving the day he had left all over again. Those were not memories I ever wanted to remember.
'Natty? Are you in there?' I called out to him from outside his bedroom door, knocking again and again. He was definitely going to kill me for this.
We are all hurting in different ways since the day he left, no one has healed or will ever. In fact, we are all falling apart. They, my parents slowly started to become distant, father on his countless business trips and mother with her lavish parties while I was left all alone with no one to turn to.
'Natty??! I'm coming in, ready or not.' I expected the door to be locked when I pushed it, rather it fully opened up which was weird since Natty never left his door open.
The blade felt smooth in the palm of my hand, it's edges sharp. It had once been a part of a spare razor I had found in my parent's room, for once I had actually felt grateful that they were not home. It wasn't what I had exactly been looking for, but it worked just as well.
The room was empty, or rather bare. It didn't look like Natty's room because he always kept it messy. 'Natty?' I called out, checking the bathroom but he wasn't in there too.
This wasn't my first time and it won't be my last, I knew that now. The edges of the blade didn't hurt as much as I hoped they would as it glided across the skin on my left wrist, drawing a thin line of red. There was no pain, just a sense of numbness I have gotten used to over the years.
'Maybe mom knows where he is.' Just as I turned around to leave, my eyes landed on a sheet of paper resting on the side table. It was folded neatly with my name on the top written in Natty's handwriting.
There was blood everywhere, I didn't know why but I knew that I hadn't cut this deep. It was dripping all over my clothes, staining my bed sheet and I was feeling light headed from all the blood loss. It had just been a line not even a second ago, where was all this blood even coming from?
Opening it, my eyes scanned his writing, 'Raven, I love you so, so much, I hope you remember that as you read this. None of this is your fault. I wish I could take you with me, but I can't and I feel deeply sorry for that.'
Everything felt like a dream where I was swimming in a pool of my own blood and tears. It was my heart that was hurting despite the blood pouring from my wrist like raindrops. All I wanted was the pain to go away, but the throbbing in my wrist was no match for the one in my heart.
Tears were streaming down my face as I continued, 'There are some things, Raven, that you can't know about. I'm sorry but none of this is your fault. Please know that I love you and I will always remember you, my little Raven. Love, Natty.'
The numbness was finally taking over my senses like I desperately wanted it to. But despite the dizziness in my head and the tears streaming down my face, I heard my voice whisper into the silence just before the darkness completely enveloped me, 'I love you too, Natty. I always will.'