The suicide attempt had basically been a waste of time. Which is mainly because the cut hadn't been deep enough - despite the red all around me, and I find myself awake sometime in the afternoon. So I decided to clean up my room instead, to get rid of all the blood and the pungent smell. It was kind of strange that even after all the blood loss, my health hadn't been affected in the least.
When everything - my sheets and my wrists were taken care of, I sat by the window with a copy of Julius Caesar in hand. Though I wasn't planning on leaving my room for a few more hours, I had still covered up my wrists with makeup just in case. Any other day, Shakespeare would've held my complete attention, but today I couldn't even get past the first line. Maybe it was the nerves or I had finally gotten bored of reading it all over, again and again.
A knock at the door interrupted my never-ending train of thoughts, and I silently thanked whoever that was. From my position by the window - because I really wasn't in the mood to stand up, I asked who it was, hoping it was just one of the cleaners. But luck wasn't on my side today as my mother's voice called out to me from the other side. A second later, she herself appeared, dressed in one of the dresses from her Oscar de la Renta collection.
Unlike breakfast when she reminded me somewhat of the mother I knew when I was little. Right now she looked more than a business client attending her next meeting. 'Your father needs to talk to you.' She said firmly after a while of scrutinising me, probably wondering why I was sitting by the window.
'There is nothing to talk about.' I told her in an equally calm voice, desperately trying to keep my eyes trained on the book I was holding. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother sigh heavily as if she was trying to exhale the stress of all these years out, 'Raven, I lost one child, I won't lose another. You have to talk to him if you want to go to Manes-'
'Of course, I want to go.' I interrupted, suddenly feeling very annoyed. There was no way to escape this, I knew I had to deal with it now. So I kept my book aside, sat up as straight as the window ledge would allow and glanced at her with narrowed eyes. Even in her vulnerable state, she rolled her eyes while saying, 'Then talk to him, please. I'm sure he'll let you go. He just needs some time to adjust.'
There were so many things I wanted to tell her in that moment, like how my father wasn't the only one who needed time. All I needed were just a few more hours as well to get myself together. Was that too much to ask for? Did my needs mean absolutely noth-
'He won't hurt his family, I assure you that. At least not physically.' My mother tells me with a reassuring smile as if I had just voiced my worries aloud. Somehow my mother knew me better than I did myself because what she just said was exactly why I needed more time. Unwillingly, I was left with no choice but to agree because that was the only argument I had and I was feeling very tired to fight with her again.
When she was satisfied with my answer that I was serious about talking to my father, she walked out and left me alone in the comfort of my room. However, this called for even more nervousness and I knew I had to get this done with as soon as possible. While most of my father's time was spent away on business trips, the rest was dedicated to his office downstairs. It won't even be a surprise anymore if he decided to marry his own office someday.
Even with the perfectly concealed wrists, I still wasn't taking any chances so I changed into a shirt with full sleeves. Not that it mattered anyway, I might as well have worn sunglasses and he wouldn't have questioned it.
The hallways were still silent as I made my way downstairs. On my way, I made a quick trip to the kitchen to grab a granola bar. All the drama was exhausting enough and I hadn't even eaten anything since breakfast. Quickly finishing the bar, I knock twice at the door, only entering when my father tells me so. The office never ceases to catch my attention when I step inside, mainly because of the wood furnishings it had instead of the recurring white ones.
It was a good change - one that I definitely preferred over the constant white theme. Perhaps this was exactly why father spent most of his time cooped up here. 'Take a seat, Raven.' My father's voice drew my attention back and I complied. The sofa chairs were really uncomfortable so the sofa by the window was the next best thing, besides it was comfortable.
Since father was already occupied with the papers covering his desk, I decided to take a chance and speak first, 'Manes has been my dream since I was a kid. I know I went against your wishes when I decided to apply there, but it's something I've wanted for a very long time. I'm sorry about not telling you because I knew this is exactly how you would react. This is something I wish for and you need to accept that.'
By the end of my speech, I was breathing hard and my father was looking at me with a really strange expression on his face. Any other day, it would've made me feel extremely uneasy, but I was too hyped right now to feel anything else. Finally after what seemed like forever, he sighed and said, 'I get it, Evangeline, I get it. I'm not that heartless, I only want the best for you. If you had just asked me earlier again, I would've even allowed you to go and none of this would have happened.'
Those words, coming from him - my father, shocked me to the very core and I even felt a bit ashamed of myself. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him, after all I had told mom the same day I had received the letter. It's just that his outbursts really freaked me out everytime he had one, and I didn't want a repeat of last time. 'I'm sorry.' I murmured, glancing down in slight shame.
'It's fine. Don't worry about it.' He turned back to his work and I took that as my cue to leave. However, his voice called out just as I stood up, 'Anyways,' I turned around, looking at him expectantly, 'your mother suggested that we go out for dinner tonight. With you going away to Manes and everything.'
It didn't sound like the worst but knowing my parents, dinner was going to be just a formality at some fancy restaurant. Nonetheless, I nodded and left. The rest of the afternoon was spent in my room, reading Julius Caesar with complete attention this time. To be honest it was really addicting and I was habitual of finishing my novels too fast. Maybe I had memorized it, the idea didn't sound entirely impossible.
By the time the book was done, I had only two more hours to spare so I decided to start getting dressed. One of the maids had already informed me sometime in the afternoon that my parents and I were to leave for dinner by 7. From what I had gathered so far, we were going to have dinner with the entire family because my parents made reservations only when everyone was included.
This didn't amuse me in the slightest but I didn't have a choice as with many other things in my life. Like the formal dress I was going to have to wear even if I didn't want to. It was a simple off-shoulder mermaid dress in black that I had paired with black pumps and some diamond earrings. The makeup and hair took an hour but I managed to get everything done just in time.
There wasn't anything else left after I was done so I grabbed my purse and left my bedroom. As usual, I was the last one to finish because my parents were always ten minutes early. 'Honey, you look gorgeous.' My mother compliments me with a smile.
Yet as my gaze took in her petite form draped in a gorgeous shade of pink that complimented her eyes, my first thought was that she was the only gorgeous one in this room. Besides, my father's glances were proving as much. Maybe I was adopted, I mean, there's my mother and then there's me.
'Thank you, mother. You look amazing yourself.' I returned her smile, giving father a nod as well. We were all quickly ushered out into the car by the guards after that, so nobody really got a chance to say anything else. The reservations were at Crescent's according to my mother, which was just a five minute drive from our house.
The restaurant was known for its extremely lush exterior and delicious food. It has been my family's go-to place for dinners for as long as I could remember. There was already a huge crowd outside when we reached the restaurant but we were immediately taken to our seats by the hostess. Which thankfully happened to be in one of the less crowded places. Since our whole family was coming tonight, we had a whole room reserved for us.
Most of everyone was already seated when we entered as different voices floated around the room all at once. It appeared that the only family I would have to tolerate today will be the Deluca's. For some reason, my uncle from my mother's side always refused to attend these family gatherings. The last time he did come, the night ended up being a complete disaster.
'Brielle, my darling, how are you?' Aunt Laura started gushing excitedly while also trying to give my mother a hug, 'Dear god, it's been so long. These kids are making me feel old already. Remember when we used to have those tea parties all the time...'
While the two were busy chatting, I slipped away and took a seat on the fairly large table. Both father and uncle Peter were busy talking with each other, but uncle Peter stopped to greet me as soon as he saw me. Sometimes I wondered if father was adopted because uncle Peter was nothing like him. Most of my childhood was actually spent at my uncle's house when the Deluca's used to be our neighbor.
They moved away when I was eleven but uncle Peter continued bringing me presents every week. Gradually weeks turned into holidays until he just wasn't there anymore. 'Evan-line!!!'
A tiny voice shrieked at me before I felt someone hugging my legs tightly. There was only one person that pronounced my name like that, Aunt Laura's youngest daughter, 'Rosalie! How's my little Rosie-bear?' From the corner of my eye, I felt Paul - aunt Laura's oldest son staring at me as I lifted his sister and gave Rosie a hug. It didn't help that he was around my age and extremely creepy.
'I'm fine, Rave, and I'm a lady now.' She declares proudly and I reward her with a beaming smile. 'Oh of course, milady. What can I do for you on this fine evening?' I tried to curtsey a little but it looked a little awkward with Rosie sitting on my lap.
She crossed her arms and pouted, 'You can start by telling me why you never visited.' The words made me stiffen. But I was saved from answering as aunt Laura and my mother made their way to the table. Immediately the air was filled with aunt Laura's constant chatter, only this time it was directed at me.
'So Raven, which university did you apply to?' Everyone looked at me expectantly, I felt like a deer caught under the spotlight. 'Uh, Manes. It's in Louisville.' I managed to get out with a slight smile.
'Oh, how amazing is that!' I raised a silent eyebrow at her exclamation, 'My dear Paul applied there too.' 'Oh.' I nodded simply, distracted. But when I noticed my mother's narrowed gaze trained on me, I continued, 'So did he, I mean Paul get accepted?'
'What do you mean?' She looked confused and I frowned. But as soon as I met Paul's eye, I understood what was going on. Only I pretended not to, 'Um, letters were sent out a month ago.' When aunt Laura look at Paul for an explanation, he groaned, 'What the fuck is your problem?'
'Young man, mind your language!' Aunt Laura told him angrily and I shrugged innocently. 'She told you that on purpose, mom!' Paul declares standing up, his chair wobbling in the process.
'If it wasn't for Raven, I would've never found out!' Aunt Laura says pointedly to him and then tells me with a much softer expression, 'Thank you, Raven. I owe you one.' With that, she grabs Paul by the ear and pulls him with her out of the door. It was kind of funny and I was straining myself not to laugh, now that would've been awkward.
Though my parents tried to keep the conversation light, it was obvious uncle Peter felt a bit out of place. While Rosie and I continued talking as if nothing had happened. However, aunt Laura and Paul returned a little while later, both with bright, red faces. But aunt Laura became her cheery self once again and the conversation between the adults resumed.
On the other hand, I felt Paul glaring at me every now and then which I chose to ignore. Occasionally aunt Laura would try to involve me in their conversations as well but I kept my answers short and to the point. After a while, she stopped trying. The food was served which was delicious as usual and every bite was like a little piece of heaven. Even Rosie liked it and the girl was really picky about her food.
It was past midnight when my parents decided that it was finally time to go after my consistent nagging. They mainly agreed because my mother knew I would end up escaping myself if they didn't listen to me. When the goodbyes rolled around, aunt Laura actually started crying while hugging my mother. Actually I think my mother cried a little too.
Both aunt Laura and uncle Peter made me promise to visit them on holidays and wished me luck for Manes. The hardest part was Rosie because the little bunch just wouldn't let me go, I almost asked her parents if I could take her with me. The only form of goodbye I gave Paul though was a small nod which he responded with a scowl of his own. We went to our car and the Deluca's to theirs.
For the most part of the car ride, nobody said a word but I felt like my father wanted to say something. Since the streets were almost empty, we pulled up at our house in less than five minutes. Someone opened the door for me and I slipped past, thanking them. Except for the sounds of my footsteps, the house was quiet and dimly lit. My steps took me straight to my room and I quickly changed into my pajamas.
Sunday's weren't supposed to be this busy, especially when I had a flight to catch at five in the morning. Which my parents didn't know about yet, not that I planned on telling them. It was one in the morning so I only had four more hours to spare. Most of everything of mine was already packed, so there wasn't much to do.
But I still hadn't figured how to get my car to Manes without my parents knowing about it. The cost of shipping a car via air to another state was expensive and I didn't have that much stocked in my account. Maybe I could ask my mother to do it for me. It would obviously take at least 4-5 days so she wouldn't ask any questions besides the obvious why.
There wasn't any point in waiting so I went to my parent's room, still dressed in pajamas. If I knew my father, he would still be in his office so I could easily talk to my mother alone. While my room was located in the left corridor, my parent's room was on the right. My father never really told me why that was but I had a few theories of my own.
She answered at the first knock and I went inside, my eyes immediately connecting with hers as she sat on the bed in pajamas similar to mine. 'I need a favor.' She raised an eyebrow at my request, 'What is it?'
'I need to ship my car to Louisville.' I said, shrugging and looking at the lack of personality in my parent's room. If it weren't for my mother sitting on the bed, I wouldn't have even thought anybody lived in here, 'You don't even use your car.' Upon seeing both of her eyebrows raised at me in question, I shrugged again, 'It's going to be a huge campus. I'm not using the public bus.'
'Alright, I'll arrange it.' She smiled at me and went back to typing on her laptop. A part of me wanted to say something more, knowing that this was the last time I was going to see her. But nothing came out and I quickly left. Instead of going back to my room, I went downstairs and straight to the garage. It had been so long since I last went for a drive and the house felt too suffocating.
The Audi TT in black was sitting peacefully in the sea of flashy cars, it was definitely going to attract attention at the campus. It had been a gift from my father on my eighteenth birthday. One of the guards came over to help me take out the car from the garage. If he noticed my pajamas and bare feet, he didn't say anything about it which I was extremely grateful for.
The hum of the car reached my ears as I started the ignition, the familiar scent calming me. From my phone, the voice of Everybody Loves An Outlaw singing I See Red filled the silence as I pulled out of the garage. It matched the atmosphere so much that I put the volume on full. Everyone would already be asleep by now in my neighborhood and the highways were mostly empty by now.
Just as I pulled onto the highway, I rolled down both, my windows and the roof. There was just something about driving under the stars that never ceases to amaze me. It was under the gaze of the darkness of the night mostly that I felt free of everything. With the wind whipping my hair and the moon following me, it was in that moment that I was finally at ease - when I felt peace like no other.