I'm a perfectionist. But not the kind you're probably thinking of.

Usually when someone thinks of a perfectionist they think of an arrogant genius with a holier-than-thou attitude. Someone who walks around with a shit-eating grin who knows they're better than most.

Or they might think of someone from humble origins who is working diligently to ensure that their future is better than their past. They'll go above and beyond to get themselves out of a crappy situation. I loathe these type of people, but they are deserving of respect more than no other.

I'm not someone who can do everything perfectly, and I'm certainly not someone who puts in effort to achieve great outcomes.

On the contrary, I'm someone who is decent as most things, good at some things, and great at very few things. I'm also someone who refuses to try new things if it's not certain that I'll be the best at it.

In middle school, on the days I'd forget to bring in homework that was due, I chose to take the 0%, instead of turning it in the next day and getting a 70%.

Truthfully, I had done the homework the same day I received it. Because the homework back then was so easy, there was no reason NOT to do my homework. It would only help to keep my semester grades impeccable.

However, I refused to let myself look like someone who could only get 70% on something as easy as homework. Knowing I did 100% of the work only to get 70% of the credit killed my pride.

Therefore I chose to take the 0%. I forced myself to act like I didn't care enough to try, and pretended like getting 0's didn't hurt deep down.

This was probably when my self-sabotage way of living started. It accompanied me all throughout middle school, and eventually until I dropped out of college.

Once the homework became stuff I had to actually study for, I gave up under the pretense of 'I don't care enough to do this'.

College was no different. I thought college would be a nice change of pace for me to get out of my shell, and stop worrying so much about perfection.

I was horrifyingly wrong. After seeing all the rich kids drive around in their brand new sports cars bought with daddy's money, it was only natural to have some sort of an inferiority complex.

At least I was smart, right?

Letting myself think I was smart in a classroom full of REAL geniuses was eye opening. And only helped to progress my budding inferiority complex even more.

I truly was a frog at the bottom of the well.

Once you drop out of college, you would come home with all these excuses like 'I couldn't find anything I'm interested in' (which was honestly only a half-lie) or 'The work was too hard' or even 'I can't stand any more school. I just want to work construction and not think about anything'.

Now that some time has passed, I look back into my childhood and beat my head against the wall for not trying hard enough.

Due to a lack of interest and self confidence, trying new things is impossible. I'm just stuck in the same place I was 3 years ago. Nothing gained, with much lost. It was pathetic.

Being too afraid to change, while also being too afraid to stay stagnant. It really is the most pitiful paradox known to man.

Like a flower pulled out a garden and tossed into a vase, I lost my room to grow. I was made to watch my flower companions grow, as I slowly but surely withered away in this vase of mine.

Oddly enough, having that 'vase' as a shield from the other 'flowers' allowed me to at least feel safe in my own space. Being free of the judgmental gazes of everyone else made me quite content. It was like those weighted blankets that kept autistic children calm.

Anyways, after so much time spent floating in a bubble of nothingness, the only change in my life being the decay of my mind and body, I lost my instinctual desire to stay alive.

Obviously I couldn't take action myself, that would be too lame. If I was going to commit suicide, it would at least have to be done while saving someone else. Like pushing a young schoolgirl out of the way of a drunk driver.

I used to hope and dream that I could just restart life, like in those isekai I loved reading. Surely if I was given a chance at a do-over I'd make the most of it.

Unfortunately, that dream is long gone now. I'm only waiting on someone to give me the slightest reason to break out of this vase and finally rot away.