"This Universe is made of driving forces that go beyond our comprehension. Even I can safely assume that I don't know everything about it. Death is one of those forces; everything needs to die because otherwise, the reality will become stagnant. Without such a natural evolution as going from a living state to a non-living state, we wouldn't be able to evolve. Like everything comes from the Alpha and exists thanks to the Arkhè, everything ends up as Chaos to feed the Omega. Those are opposite concepts that are actually more complementary than you might believe because one cannot exist without the other. For you to live, something else must die or lose its chance at life; you may understand this from a philosophical conception, but it applies to practical life too. Grass needs insect dirt to have the nutrients necessary to grow; the insects live by eating trees, other insects or bacteria. Then, that grass will be consumed by an animal, and its meat will end up feeding you to live. It's the same thing if you eat veggies : as long as you consume something, that something is a dead thing. Maybe we could even say that you lead a new form of life when you die; that as long as the soul in itself exists, it's still considered as a living thing. I can't know, nor would I be able to explain if I knew, what happens once you go into the Omega. Perhaps, it's something you would be able to understand at your core without being able to put words on it, only if you accept the deal with Death."
"OK, let me cut you right there!" I interject, still looking at Azrael as people in the shop keep getting past us to glance at him and giggle, before going away hurriedly when they see his face.
"I can guess you're still hesitant because you—"
"I'm hesitant to even listen to you, right now. Because you're talking to me about life, death and philosophy, but you're wearing a Looney Toons t-shirt."
First, I look at the scars on Azrael's face, carrying the legacy of possibly horrible experiences and maybe countless hours of torture in his past. Second, I look at the yellow t-shirt he's wearing, too small for his musculature, with Bugs Bunny looking all flirty with his bright smile while he's spanking Lola Bunny. Third and final, I look back at Azrael and the innocent confusion on his face.
Maybe I shouldn't have brought him to a cheap thrift shop where they sell things like these.
"Oh, this? Well... from what I've observed, cartoon characters seem to be associated with harmless humans. I thought I could blend in better with the crowd if I wore this."
I click my tongue and shake my head, narrowing my eyes.
Maybe I shouldn't have brought him with me at all.
"Well, we should head out now," he says, looking at the new pair of pink gloves he took.
And he actually gets out of the fitting room we were both standing in front of and starts going all the way to the entrance of the thrift shop, as if there really was not a single problem with the way he's dressed right now.
"Ahjussi!" I yell and he stops to turn back to me, while I narrow my eyes again and get my fists on my hips. "If you want to 'blend in with the crowd', you better start by paying for the clothes you took!"
"Oh? Well... I don't have any money." He turns back again and gets out of the shop.
Seriously?
I run after him and stop in front of him to prevent him from taking one more step. "Why? Isn't there any currency in Heaven? Don't you guys shop there?"
"... No. Is it mandatory to pay?"
I study the same innocent confusion on his face I saw when I made a comment on his t-shirt, to see if he's joking with me or not. But no, he genuinely doesn't seem to know why everything he said to me so far is very wrong.
So I just sigh and click my tongue, before dragging my feet near the cashier and paying for the clothes we both took.
Why me?
By the time I'm done, Azrael is waiting for me outside, with people still glaring at him at first, giggling, then walking past him really fast when they see his face. But he doesn't seem to notice anything while he looks at the busy road ahead.
I surprise him with the bag I throw on his chest, that he catches clumsily.
"You'll draw even more attention with that t-shirt. So put this on, at least," I groan, rolling my eyes as I see him get the white shirt I just bought him on top of the flashy yellow t-shirt and button it.
"Why did you buy gloves?" he asks, looking at the pair of black gloves in the bag.
"Do you really intend to wear pink gloves with that face of yours?"
From the way he peers at me, he did indeed intend to wear pink gloves with that face of his. "But... I like the shade."
I can't believe there was the disappointment of a little kid who can't eat an icecream in his voice, right now.
"Just change it already!"
I turn around and start walking on the busy sidewalk. I might be tall but I'm slim, and I've lived in Seoul ever since I was born, so I have no trouble avoiding the unaware arms and legs around me. But I don't think Azrael is doing such a good job, given all the complaints and grunts I hear behind me. When I turn back and glance at him, I see he tries to squeeze into the crowd and ends up hitting the pedestrians, smaller compared to him, with his broad shoulders, apologizing each time.
No but really... why me?
When he gets closer to me, I try to grab him by his arm to guide him through with me. But he suddenly pulls it back, avoiding contact like he did two times when we were still in the hospital. I study him for a while, with curious eyes, but he looks away. He ends up stretching his arm once again, but slightly folds his elbow to show me his unbuttoned sleeve instead.
I guess he's really not comfortable with physical contact...
I don't try to argue and simply catch his sleeve, to start guiding him through the boulevard until we get to one of the smaller streets where bar and club owners are taking out their trash and barely closing now. Of course, I know that I'm supposed to pinch my nose if I don't want to end up like that half-conscious drunk guy on the pavement laying next to his own puking in front of 3 Alley Pub, but I don't think my companion here got a guide on how to survive in Seoul.
He covers his nose and mouth with his hand and almost runs to the end of the alley, to then stop and cough as if he were going to throw up too. "Why... why does it smell so bad here?"
"We're in Itaewon, Seoul's most useless district if you're not a tourist or rich enough to party all night. And we're here at eight in the morning after New Year's, so the drunk barely got home and nobody cleaned the streets yet. C'mon, now, brace yourself."
"... Why?"
"'Cause we're going to Itaewon station."
Oh, how I love to take the subway! I've really missed it. What a sweet sensation it is to be surrounded by a sea of people as if I were an island, glued to me to take me in waves on one side, then the other, as the subway gets shaken and stops at too many stations before transporting me to my home, and transporting to me the wonderful smell of workers sweating while they go to work after partying too much for New Year's, with their sticky fingers smelling the alcohol they drank last night and touching where my hands have to touch. Especially if I don't want to end up on the floor with those small spots of dirt probably just serving as decoration, or on the laps of a pervert.
"Couldn't you have somehow patched up my car like you did for me?" I grunt at Azrael, getting hit by an elbow for the fourth time because of an abrupt stop.
At least, he seems to be doing well by standing in perfect balance on his legs. However I guess he's not very comfortable either, given how he's pressing shut his eyes and puffing his cheeks.
"You should remember that every power comes with its limit. If the power itself isn't limited, then you should set your own boundaries to it. Think of it through the equivalence principle : for everything you do... something will be—taken—from... you..." he grits through his teeth, trying to not grunt loudly at that guy who keeps elbowing him in the ribs every time the subway gets shaken.
"What other... power do I have?" I don't worry in the slightest about the people around us, because they're either listening to music, sleeping or they will think that we're just another couple of weird people in a city that's too crowded for its citizens to care about others business.
"I don't know what Horseman gifted you exactly. I know they see this more like a period of trial, how to put that..."
"An intership?"
"You could say that. You must have a portion of the power they possess. Which is, unsurprisingly, everything related to the control of the Chaos."
"The Chaos?"
"The Arkhè is the Primitive energy creating everything that comes out of the beginning, the Alpha. The Chaos is the Primitive energy that destroys everything to lead it to the end, the Omega. Everything you see around you is fed by the Arkhè... except you."
"You guys called me a Deathbringer several times. What does that mean, exactly?"
"Beings like you that died and went into the Omega, but who've been brought back from it do no longer exist through the Arkhè, but through the Chaos. Your souls become the extension of the Omega, so in the eyes of the Universe, you have no reason to exist in the realm of the living where the Arkhè dominates. To put it simply, Deathbringers, despite being brought back from death to life, are still considered as dead for the Universe. You're no longer like everybody else. There are only fifty people like you in the whole world, with thirty-three among those who already died a second time like you did, so they've ceased to exist in this realm of existence. There probably should have been more Deathbringers, given how unnatural deaths have succeeded one another ever since demon, human and angel lives have meddled together when they shouldn't. But I couldn't witness every single instance of a case like this, and unless I intervene, no new Deathbringer should be made. At least, that's what the procedure asks. But not— everybody... fol—follows—procedure!" With that last word, he finally slightly pushes the guy.
At least, I think he meant to do it slightly, but the guy ends up tripping on other people, making them fall like a set of dominos too.
I can't help but laugh a little, seeing this.
But my laugh dies out quickly when I catch a glimpse of myself in the opening doors of the subway while we're waiting at a station. I may have changed into new clothes, but seeing how sweat has sticked on my face, I guess I am one of the people in the subway who make Azrael and others grimace.
So as soon as we get off at Hansung University station, I put my hoodie on top of my dirty hair to cover my sweating face and grab Azrael by the sleeve to get us out of the station and start walking next to him, taking advantage of his broad figure to hide myself.
"I'm a mess! We're a mess!" I sigh, seeing that he's not cleaner than I am after that fight in the morgue.
"I have an idea."
I only now realize that Azrael isn't walking besides me. I turn to face him and see he's stopped on the pavement, looking at the facade he has in front of him. When I go by his side and also look at the big sign at the entrance, I let out a quick mocking laugh, before clicking my tongue and shaking my head.
He's looking like a crime syndicate, has been capable of ripping his own brother's skin with barely a move and has fought off multiple ghosts and dead bodies with his hands in his pockets. Yet he's actually standing next to me with a Looney Tunes t-shirt inside his white shirt and looking at the entrance sign of a bathhouse?
I can't believe I'm supposed to be hanging out with this guy to have the answers I need.
"Going to a bathhouse with a scary-looking angel? My night is already crazy, but as they say, 'go big or go home', right?"
And that's exactly how I found myself in the sauna area sitting across a scary-looking angel on hemp mats in matching orange jimjilbang pajamas, my hair still wet from washing up earlier, and my skin completely clean, this time sweating because of the comfortable heat. That's also how I got to see a scary-looking angel scrubbing his face with a towel, while I watched him with narrowed eyes.
The worst part? He's still got his gloves on.
"Did you have to take the scrubbing towel too?" I sigh, clicking my tongue.
He stops briefly scrubbing to look at me, then looks around shyly before continuing. "It's... to blend in with the crowd."
When he's finally done, I click my tongue to draw his attention and start the question that's been burning my tongue ever since we left the subway.
"These thirty-tree Deathbringers you mentioned earlier... what happened to them?"
He glances at me but then quickly looks away. A few minutes pass by before he actually answers me, a grim expression taking over his face. "When your soul leaves your physical body, before going into the Omega, you have to walk in the Acheron. It's the crossroad of every realm of reality and time in the Universe. I have to take it when I travel from Heaven to Earth, too. The Acheron is almost like a living organism: it shapes itself differently each time, becoming a desert, a fjord, or an endless dark pit. It's where you've been with Horseman before they let you go. If right now, you took a step into the Acheron, and that is what you will do if you refuse the deal... then you will meet the same fate as any other Deathbringer. You're already dead for the Universe. You won't dissolve into Chaos because you are already made of Chaos. The Omega won't call to you because you were never supposed to leave it in the first place. You will just... aimlessly wander in the Acheron for the rest of your existence. And you will be conscious of every second you spend in there."
"So wait... if I accept this deal with Death, I will somehow become like it and not be able to just die and rest in peace. But if I don't accept it... I will never be able to just die and rest in peace either?"
He simply shakes his head, looking at his feet.
I take a deep breath, but it doesn't make the sudden lump in my throat go away. And I feel like crying, yet no tears come out of my eyes. Even coming back from death two times didn't change that about me, huh?
So, instead, I just let go and lie down on the mat, breathing in and out as I feel the heat of the sauna relax my tense and hurting body from the accident, but it can't be of any comfort for my mind, racing in thoughts I can't organize and that just give a headache.
"How?" I ask, after a long moment of silence where I just listened to the quiet conversations of the people relaxing around me when I feel like the world could crumble down any moment now. "How can I become like Death? Is it only possible because I'm a Deathbringer like it is?"
"Horseman isn't a Deathbringer. Neither are any beings like him. They're what we call Primitive Beings."
"Primitive Beings?"
"They exist thanks to the Arkhè too, but the difference is that they were made out of the Arkhè. They weren't born into any realm of existence, nor do they have a physical body or a soul to begin with. If you imagine the Arkhè as a massive star, then its stellar explosion results in thousands of particles that travel across the Universe and get together to form newer forms of living organisms, like us. But sometimes, the shock wave of the explosion can give entirely new stars, smaller and less powerful than the Arkhè. The Primitive Beings are those stars. Their existence either expands in the Universe in immaterial forms, or they create themselves a physical body and a soul the moment they enter a realm of existence like Earth, Heaven or Hell by feeding off their environment and the other living organisms. Popular deities in human mythology like Horus exist as Primitive Beings thanks to the worship of ancient Egyptians. He created himself a body out of the Temple of Edfu, he acquired the language of the hieroglyphs engraved in his inner sanctuary and he built his personality based on how he was described by the ones worshiping him. In the end, Horus was created by humans, while other Primitive Beings like Krishna inadvertently caused humans to worship them because he had used his powers where he shouldn't have. In rare instances, some Primitive Beings came into existence through the same procedure, but with the Chaos instead. That's the case for every Primitive Being who is a death god. Like Kali or Yan Wang. Death is even more special than the others, like the three other Horsemen of the Apocalypse: War, Pestilence and Famine. The four of them are Primitive Beings created out of a collective. They're not just the reality of one realm of existence, they're universal. They are the personification of these forces, rather than being their representatives like the rest of the Primitive Beings who each represent a different force and belief."
"But how am I supposed to replace Death if I'm not a Primitive Being?"
"You can become one. Among the seventeen Deathbringers left that didn't end up lost in the Acheron, one of them became a Primitive Being. And he's still an active death god. So it is a possibility for you to go beyond your present condition."
"How—"
I interrupt myself. Or rather, my grumbling stomach does. I stop talking mid-sentence and curse at my still very human needs. But I actually catch Azrael with the corners of his lips so slightly lifted that I want to call it a smile, but I probably can't because it's not a real one.
"Perhaps we should get out of the bathhouse first. The... heat is starting to become... uncomfortable." At least, props to him for trying to make me believe it's for a personal reason when the entire bathhouse probably heard that fierce grumbling.
Even if I wanted to protest, my stomach wouldn't allow me to. So I'm obliged to comply.
We quickly find ourselves dressed again and outside the bathhouse, definitely looking more fresh than when we entered. And we only pass by a few shops before Azrael stops in front of... a BBQ restaurant.
And when we sit down on one of the tables, he asks for grilled pork belly and soju.
Grilled pork belly. And soju.
"You brought me to a BBQ restaurant."
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Well, from what I've observed, Korean citizens usually favor this kind of place. I brought us here to better blend in with the crowd."
"I have a question," I declare, boiling more and more with impatience as I watch him act so casually here with my eyes still narrow.
"Of course. I suppose these explanations about the laws of the Universe must be confusing to you and—"
"Why are you Korean?"
He stops mid-sentence, his hands still raised as he were full-on ready to give me a speech. He looks at me in disbelief and repeats my question by stuttering a bit. "Why am... why am I Korean? Is that—is that the question you wanted to ask me first?"
"Yeah. Why are you Korean?"
"I'm not—I'm not Korean."
"You look Korean. You talk Korean. You brought me to a bathhouse. Then to a BBQ restaurant. Ahjussi... you definitely are Korean."
"I'm not—it's not..." He sighs and lets his hands fall on the table. "I don't normally look like this in my real form. It's just to..."
"Blend in with the crowd?"
He opens his mouth but doesn't say anything. Instead, he nods and scratches his neck.
I simply shake my head and fill up my small glass with the soju a waitress just brought to drink it up in one shot. "For your information, nobody that wants to blend in with the crowd orders soju and grilled pork belly at eight in the morning."
"But... you just drank a shot of soju."
"Who said I wanted to blend in with the crowd?"
I take a second glass and drink it in one shot, then I fold my arms on the table and lay my head on it. This nonsense really tired me out. I really dream of going to my bed while I contemplate what to do with my existence that I can't end somehow, despite wanting that more than anything else.
"You seem hardly impressed by anything that's been happening to you for the past couple of hours."
I wasn't expecting Azrael to say that to me in such an intrigued way.
"What? Are you jealous that you're not the only one here with barely two facial expressions?"
When I quickly glance at him, my head still lazily lying in between my folded arms, I catch that same almost-smile-but-not-really on his lips.
"What will I really lose by becoming a Primitive Being?" I ask, now focused on drawing invisible figures on the table with my finger. "You keep talking about balance in the Universe, equivalence and whatnots, so what am I going to have to give up for a power like that one?"
"The capabilities of a death god and the knowledge they bring go beyond your comprehension in the state you are in. Evolving into a Primitive Being... it will be like a transcendance for you. I've seen it with every one of them. I've seen it happen with the only Deathbringer who became a death god before you too. When you become conscious of the power you hold and your responsibilities, you start to see things differently. Every death god on Earth collects and guides the souls of the place they were made into. But as a replacement for Horseman, you will have to do exactly what they did. You can and will collect and guide souls from every place and every realm of existence : humans, angels, demons, anything. But that's not your true job; yours is to preserve the integrity of death itself. You will have to take care of the Acheron and the Omega in case something goes wrong like a new Deathbringer or else, settle conflicts between different death gods, and be a leader for them, supervise them so that none of them provoke nor prevent any death. Most importantly, you have to do everything in your power to make sure that nobody ever upsets the balance of existence itself : make sure that everybody and everything dies at some point. Otherwise, everyone will have to pay the price for that. You will have a destructive power within you that can also make you create things you couldn't imagine. You will become a sentient manifestation of one of the most important driving forces that define the way we live. Something like this... it makes you see things differently. Every thought and hobby you had as a Deathbringer still in a human condition will look pointless compared to the importance of your responsibilities. Not feeling the need to feed, sleep or never being able to be sick will make you feel like you're above your instincts. Human emotions will no longer seem as complex. You will see yourself and your terrestrial relationships to material things or even people like your family in a different light. You might not even understand why you were attached to those things and those people to begin with and simply... lose interest in them and the memories you built of them."
"Then no, I don't accept your deal."
Azrael remains with his mouth slightly open at my abrupt answer, while the waiter serves us side dishes and the pork belly that I start to grill on the tabletop stove.
"It might seem scary. Knowing what kind of job you have to do and that you will no longer really feel any emotion. But it's scary because then again, in the state you are, it's still something your mind can't grasp. Once you do become a Primitive Being, you won't even know why you feared that perspective to begin with."
"That might be the case for most of the Primitive Beings you know because they've been like this ever since they've existed." I keep grilling and serving the pork belly to both of our plates. "But surely it must be different for someone like me who spent her whole life understanding the value of emotions. Sure, you can't say that I'm known for having a wide palette of facial expressions. I don't express what I feel because I don't even understand what I feel. Most of the time I just feel numb and I want to be over with everything. When I'm supposed to feel euphoric, I barely want to smile. When I'm supposed to sob until my eyes hurt, I barely shed a tear. Sometimes, I accumulate so many thoughts that I can feel like they're physically compressing down my chest. Who wouldn't want to be done with emotions and become a super mega being with endless powers? But no. I don't want that. The alternative might be that my soul will forever be trapped in the Acheron and I will suffer while being conscious of that. But I'd rather that, than lead an immortal life without ever being able to feel guilty, angry or sorrowful because I know now that I really have caused my own father's death. And I don't want to spend a day where I won't even miss him or feel guilty for the life I stole from him. I'll keep all those emotions and all those memories I have of him close to my heart."
"You could see him. You will have that power."
"He always told me that despite looking unaffected by most things, I have the heart of a baby bird. One that can so easily break that he always wanted to protect it at all costs. Who would I be to him if I lost that heart and really became unaffected by most things? What's the point of seeing him if I'm no longer the daughter he knew?"
I grab my chopsticks and take a first bite, letting the salty sensation of the pork take over my tongue and enjoying every second of it while my stomach finally stops hurting from hunger. I never would have thought that the first thing I would miss after being dead would be food.
Azrael doesn't say anything much either. He simply fills his own glass with soju and takes a first sip.
We both simply enjoy the silence that's filled with unsaid dangerous promises for what the future holds for me.
But I don't plan to disappear from the face of this world without making my dad's sacrifice worth it, either.
I might not live like he wanted me to. But I won't let anyone harm the other people he and I cared about, starting with my family and my best friend.
"Before it went away, Death said something to me." I manage to draw Azrael's attention, whose eyes are filled with some sort of uneasiness contrasting with his usual emotionless face. "It said that when it will see me again, it'll have the Apocalypse following it. And that I'll have my first big job after that. What does that mean, exactly?"
Azrael takes a deep breath. Then, he drinks his soju in one shot. The unease in his eyes turns into something much darker. So, he no longer even looks at me.
"In a few months, the world will end. Because the Apocalypse is coming."