The next few days were calm and uneventful. Philippa didn't see the other females again as they lived outside the castle and lived separate lives from her. She was lonely as even Bardulf had to constantly leave the castle to do things around the kingdom. She understood it was his job as King, but didn't like it.
Eventually, she begged him to be let into his office to work so she could do something useful. He came around and ordered Lynn to make sure Philippa got rest every few hours. She then walked slowly down to his office and sat gratefully in his comfortable chair. She didn't just sort his papers, but as Queen, was able to do the task of approving, signing, writing letters, and creating laws and payments. Bardulf told her where everything was kept and that he would leave everything to her as long as she left the duty of saving lives and construction to him. They agreed and together, they got much done.
A month passed and Philippa noticed how the ice around them was melting. It was subtle at first, but she began to see puddles everywhere, began to worry for those on lower ground. Lynn explained how Bardulf and his men already started preparing for the worst and that the people expected this as it was summer.
It was the fact about the season that made Philippa blink in surprise. Her Name Day was the first day of autumn. She counted off the days she had been in Zurus and gasped in shock as her Name Day was in just two weeks.
Quickly, she wrote a note to Lynn and rang the bell. THe girl came in and grabbed the note, reading it. Looking up, she smiled at Philippa. "Oh, Mi' Lady, that's wonderful!"
Philippa nodded and wrote something else.
Lynn read it and said, "What do you mean? I'm not sure the King will let you."
Philippa raised a brow in question.
"Since the ice is melting, traveling can be treacherous. There's no telling if the ice is thick enough to carry even you. You could fall into freezing waters or a cave where it'll be impossible to get you out."
Philippa thought for a moment, then wrote another note. She handed it to the girl and gave her a pleading look.
Lynn saw her Queen's expression, then read the note.
"My parents are buried in Asaya. In the castle cemetery. They died on my Name Day."
Lynn nodded her understanding, set the note down on the desk and thought for a moment. Finally, she looked into the innocent eyes of her Queen and hesitantly said, "Because of the circumstances, he might take you. But you have to remember that he has a kingdom to protect and this Warmwake Season will only get worse before it gets better." Lynn went around the desk and took her Queen's cold hands in hers. "Ask him. He may say no, but I'm sure he would find some way to take you later when the ice freezes again and it isn't so dangerous."
Philippa nodded and spent the rest of the day dreading the weeks to come. She knew her Name Day was supposed to be a happy time, but hers was full of loss and grief. First her mother, then her father. It was hard to think about without wondering if they did it on purpose. They left her alone in a world of beauty and hard work. Since their deaths, she hadn't felt any kind of self confidence or self preservation. She didn't feel beautiful. All because she blamed herself, her muteness.
Bardulf returned that evening and headed straight to the dining hall where he usually ate with Philippa and his men. But when he got there, Philippa was not there waiting for him. Thinking she must be running late, he sat down as his men trickled in.
Just as the food was being served, Lynn ran up to him. She glanced at the others, then silently asked him to follow her. Confused and a little worried, he did. They were heading up to his chamber when she spoke. "The Queen would like to speak with you alone, Mi' Lord."
"Do you know why? Is she okay?" he asked softly as they reached his door.
Lynn gave him a frown. "May I speak freely?" He nodded. She took a deep breath and bowed her head. "The topic is both a happy one and a sad one. She asked for my advice on the matter and told her my thoughts." Lynn paused, then gave him pleading eyes. "Please, I know you love her and always mean well, but do not get upset with her. Ever since our conversation, I fear she has been quiet and reserved, not at all herself. She did not even eat."
Bardulf could see and understand whatever was wrong with Philippa was bothering Lynn. He could see she was worried for his wife. He put gentle hands on her shoulders and said in a gentle voice, "I will listen to her, Lynn. I will see what she has to say and keep my words calm and see if I can do anything for her. I do not wish to hurt Philippa in any way, so if I do, I will explain my reasons and try to compromise."
Lynn gave an audible gulp. "I do believe you, and I do hope you will help her."
He gave her a reassuring smile, then told her to rest for the night. Once she was gone, he steeled himself and entered his chambers. The first thing he noticed was Philippa's papers all over the ground, crumpled into balls. Then, he noticed her in the bed, crying.
Bardulf went over and set her writing tray aside. She looked up at him with wide eyes, surprised to see him. He sat in front of her and took her face in his hands and wiped her tears away. "Talk to me, my sweet. Why are you crying? Why do you have Lynn worried?"
In jerky movements, Philippa told him about her Name Day and what she must do. She told him how she understood his kingdom was not in a good place at this time, but she felt obligated to visit Asaya and the graves of her parents.
Bardulf watched carefully at her hands, reading her grief and guilt. When she finished he was unsure how to explain himself. He began, "I cannot take you."
Immediately, she slumped in defeat as if that was the end of it.
Bardulf continued. "But maybe a few of the men can."
Hope lit in her eyes, but then she told him how she wanted him to go, to stand beside her as a sturdy support she could lean on.
"I want to go," he said sincerely. "I want to go and make sure you're safe and cared for, but with the Warmwake, my help is critical to Zurus's survival."
Philippa gazed at him with sadness and loss. She did not truly understand why he specifically had to be here, then scolded herself for being selfish. The people were in danger. They needed Bardulf as much or more than she did.
Bardulf could see the war happening inside his wife's eyes and went to the door and called for another maid to bring up food, then went and got in beside Philippa. He pulled the blankets up to her waist and positioned the pillows so she could lean back. Then he asked, "How did your parents die?"
The story took Philippa only a few short minutes as there was very little detail. By the end, he understood she blamed herself and that she never felt the right to live amongst Jacqueline and her family, didn't feel the right to wear the dresses and accessories, didn't feel the right to be his wife. He could see the deer-in-the-headlights expression in her eyes and wrapped his arms about her, pulling her close. She was stiff, body rigid with what he thought was fear.
Softly, he stroked her hair and said, "I know my words won't reach you now, but I hope you believe them in the future." He kissed her head. "You are not to blame. Your muteness is not to blame. You are who you are and your parents' death is not the result of that."
Philippa did not move except for the relaxing of her body. He knew she was listening and waited as the maid brought in the good and left.
"Jacqueline loves you, even if she shows it in a unique way. I'm sure her parents are grateful for your service with their only daughter's welfare. If they are alive, then you have done nothing wrong. Flik, Seth, Varg, and the others are in adoration of you every time you're present. And," he paused for effect, "I know I can't help but love you and your personality. You being mute has nothing to do with communicating with others. Voice is not the only form of communication. There's your hands, obviously. There's body language, your eyes, your whole face, and other ways. We will figure it all out. But do not blame yourself for your parents' death."
The next day, Bardulf left late to make sure Philippa was okay. She didn't eat much and was unwilling to leave the room, but she promised she would think and reflect, then join him and the others for dinner. Bardulf kissed her and left, asking Lynn to keep a close eye on Philippa just in case.
Philippa did as she said and stayed in the bed chamber, remembering Bardulf's words. While she didn't fully accept his truth about her not being guilty, she did however smile at the things he said about Jacqueline and the others. It made her feel lighter because she believed that they all accepted her for who she is.
By the time dinner was ready and her husband was returning, she was ready to step out and greet the world.
She was going downstairs, steps light and carefree when Ysmay came out of a room. Philippa smiled at the girl and held out her arms, but the girl scowled and walked away. Philippa frowned, but continued to the dining hall.
At seeing Bardulf, she forgot about Ysmay and her odd behavior, running to him for an embrace.
Bardulf was pleased to see Philippa up and happier than the night before. He led her to the table and sat beside her. As the others shuffled into the room, he said, "I want to tell you something." She nodded with a smile. He grabbed one of her hands and kissed it. "I spoke to Flik today about your Name Day. We decided that he and a couple others would travel with you next week to Asaya and settle yourselves there. I will come after you, but will be there in time for your Name Day. After that we will return home together. What do you think?"
Philippa thought for a long moment, then nodded, telling him that would work as long as he believes nothing would go wrong here.
Bardulf kissed her lips, smiling. "I will make sure that all is well before I leave. All I want you to do is trust those who go with you and don't get into danger."
She smiled and agreed.