The day the auction was held for both Maiko was another relentless downpour. From the sky, from my mind, from my heart, and from the city. Bids were carried by messengers , and I placed myself in the entryway of the Okiya, standing guard, as the gatekeeper who would ultimately cast judgement on the men who challenged me.Once again, I was the one who would be begged. I was the one who had the thing they most desired.
The moon didn't whisper secrets, and during the day the streets were quiet as if the sun could hear every word about the night before. The rain kept the city calm. The iron gate of the entryway was left swung open, the sliding door pushed aside. I watched the water fall heavily from the overhang, the kusai doi collecting it in the intertwining chain. The scent in the air was carried in from the mountain, and I could recognize the smell of the moss on the ground.
The messengers ran through the streets, the rainwater collected in the indentations of the cobblestones springing to life under their heavy feet. The sound their zori made echoed around the buildings. I would receive ten bids for Yukiko's Maiko, and a mere five for Sayaka, because Yukiko was a stronger older sister than I had been, torn between Mother, Sister, Lover, and Father. My attention was split, and so too were my desires. Keep her safe, keep her cared for, or keep the demon in me satisfied. I stood steadfast, leaning against the entry gate, the humidity from the rain soaking me anyway. I thought of nothing. At least the demon wasn't stirring.
My solitude was disrupted at some point during the day, the late afternoon, I imagined, from the number of pieces of parchment I had tucked away in the fold of my kimono. Sayaka invaded like a vision, dressed simply in a cotton yukata, her sleek black hair cascading like smooth oil down her back. Her hand rested on my shoulder so delicately, I was only barely pulled from my sightless stare at the rain in the streets. I turned my head to my shoulder to allow my gaze to fall upon her.
"Tonight, after you read the bids, will you make me a Geisha?"
I was terrified by her words, by what her request meant. I hadn't given her an answer. She had no doubt taken my silence for whatever answer she wished it to be. I could feel the hope exuding from her, the energy of a woman, and though I felt solemn, like the atmosphere surrounding us was too heavy to move through, I nodded to her. With sadness, I could no longer resister her.
"I warn you though, child, if you value the relationship you and I have now, you will not ask such a thing of me." I hadn't moved, my eyes on her searching for any kind of reaction, waiting for fear to appear on her features. She was no longer afraid of me like she had once been. But I didn't understand what it was she felt for me. I didn't understand what it was I felt for her. I had become every member of her family, the only living thing she could put her trust in. All I had was a desire not to destroy that. "Nothing will ever be the same afterwords."
Her eyes met with mine with intention, as if she could bend space and time with her gaze. I could feel my expression on her was soft, like a father observing a child. It was as if in the time she took to lay her eyes on me, she was making a decision. If she was considering the words I had spoken, it would have been the first time she took anything I said to heart. "I still want it to be you."
Into the evening, the rain had ceased pounding the earth, but the earth was saturated. The moisture in the air hung low, clinging to everything. The inside of the Okiya shining with damp slickness just as the outside, and a chill settled in. The fire blazed in the pit in the main room, under the iron fish that hung by a chain from the ceiling, and the heat radiated in the room, glowing with orange and red. I lowered myself heavily to the table opposite Yukiko, the folded parchments with the bids in my hand. My mind was exhausted, running circles around my skull, chasing the definitions of right and wrong.
"You haven't looked at any of them?" I laid them down on the table for her to see they were completely sealed. The indentations of my fingertips were the only indication they had been in my possession at all.
"I was waiting for you." My palms felt as damp as the earth saturated by the rain. I didn't recognize the emotion I was feeling.
She began to open each parchment, laying them out on the table, Sayaka's name on one side, her Maiko's name on the other. Her eyes flickered up to me as I watched her work, excitement painted on her features. "What have we gotten ourselves into, Seishin?"
I glanced over the parchment. The kanji for each name was undecipherable, the numbers representing the amount of gold the bidder was offering. Each bid was made in secrecy, like the act itself. Yukiko pointed to the highest number on one side of the table. "She was hoping it would be that patron. He bid the highest after all. I'm happy for her."
"Is she scared?" I let my back arch, resting my forearms atop my crossed legs. I slid one of Sayaka's parchments across the table to her.
She took it in both hands as she spoke. "She was scared, but I talked with her about it." Her expression of contentment fell into something else entirely. "Seishin, this is the most out of every bid on the table. Do you know this patron?"
"I don't know any of her patrons."
"It's time you met him."
I remained at the table until the fire died, unable to uphold the monumental task it had undertaken. The sky had long since turned black with night, and as the last light of the embers faded, I made my way to Sayaka's room. My bare feet made no sound as I tread slowly, carefully, and saw the light of a single candle through the paper of the sliding door. I knelt, curling my fingers around the wood to slide the door open. "Forgive me." Just a whisper.
Her sleeping form appeared so fragile, so childlike. She didn't stir as I entered the room, and only as I laid myself on the small futon beside her did she wake. My fingertips found her skin, as I watched her face gently, expressionlessly, and brushed the hair from her temples. "Seishin." Her voice so content, filled with sleep. She reach to hold me. I grabbed her hand, redirecting her touch to graze my side under my kimono. I wanted her to feel my skin, my definition, wanted her to understand how different I was from her.
"Sayaka." Her name so sweet from my lips, I wondered how long it would keep for. "Tell me what you feel for me."
We had never been so close. All the time I had washed her hair, danced at her back with my arms around her, until the moment beside each other in her bed, we had never been in a situation so intimate. Complication arose again in my mind. She had never before felt my skin, witnessed my body, and I knew she didn't think of me as a man. That was why she had asked such a thing of me. She saw me as Mother, Sister, and despite the things I could not hide, a man was the last thing she saw me as. I needed to hear just what she thought she felt.
"I was scared of you at first. But I trust you now. I know you were drawn to me, because I think I reminded you of yourself when you were a Geisha, and I prayed every night that you wouldn't see me anymore." Her grip over my side tightened, her graceful fingers almost sharp against my skin. It was a hold of growing desperation, and she was unaware of it. "When you started taking care of me I realized you had come to love me like I was your child. Do you still see me that way?"
Despite myself, I could feel my smile soften. "Sometimes."
"I sometimes see you as a father. But I sometimes feel something else for you."
I allowed my fingertips to wander down the back of her neck, over her shoulder, and the felt the warmth of her body through the silk kimono. That was enough to satisfy me for the moment I held her back tightly. "I confuse many people that way. I had the luxury to manipulate them into thinking they were feeling something other that superficial." I had taught her seduction. She knew all my tricks, she knew all my details that made me undeniable, and she used them all against me. She lured me, and she trapped me in my own game. "That's the difference between lust and love. But I can't teach you love. That must be the something else."
"Isn't love what you're supposed to teach me tonight?" Such innocence in her voice, such an untouchable naivety.
"Not tonight." It was a naivety I prayed I wouldn't take from her. But I couldn't be sure if I could stop myself. "Tonight, I want you to see me for what I am."