A monster. A demon. These creatures would surface in me no matter the attempts I made to hold them down. I rolled atop her, pushing her to her back, my knees on both sides of her, and pressed my open palm into her chest to keep her still. I felt her sharp intake of breath, her eyes snapped to mine to search for answers. I was sure my eyes would be empty. I had no answers to the way her gaze burned through me, my mind was silent, and I was careful to keep it so. I knew it would stir and wake the second it had the chance. Then, I feared, I wouldn't be able to swallow it.
I allowed my weight to rest fully atop her, leaning back to sit upright. I pulled the front fold of my kimono open wide, fishing my arms through, letting the top fall around my thighs. "Do I feel heavy?" I gazed down my nose at her face, peering through my hair as it cascaded around me. A curtain to hide the lack of shame I felt. There was determination in her features, but fear. And oh, how I craved the fear. I wished to see it in her, and even when the emotion overtook her in my presence, she had been stoic. She had been unmoved. Somehow all it took was the prospect that I would relieve her of something that night. "Do you feel my warmth?" I was still unsure if I could walk away.
Her fingers were curled into her palms, and she held her tiny fists under her chin as she looked up at me, the picture of an animal I was predator to. She had strength burning in her, I could feel it hot on her skin, and she had a desire, just one desire, that I knew would cause her unrest until it had been fulfilled. I took her hands in mine and fought her strength to pry them away from her chest. Her knuckles at my lips, I let my eyes drift closed as I inhaled the scent of her skin. I could so easily allow myself to get lost. I took her hand in both of mine, running my fingertips the length of her digits from her palm to straighten them, and I placed her palm against my chest. "Everything about me is rigid, solid. And everything about you is made to give way to me." I placed my palm flat atop hers, pressing it into my skin, wanting her to feel the definition of my muscle, the definition of the difference between our bodies.
With the pressure I kept, my hand against hers, I forced her down the length of my torso, coming to rest low over my stomach, in line with my hip bones. I could feel her pull, trying to take her hand away from under mine, away from my skin, but I held her in place. I leaned over to watch the expression on her face change as fear took her over. I wanted to tell her I was no threat to her that night, but the urge to witness the power I had over her outweighed any desire I had to calm her nerves. Hunting prey was just a game, anyway. I was well fed.
I didn't want to lie to her. If I couldn't stop myself, putting the expectation on her would have been more cruel than I intended. I released her hand and snatched the front of her kimono in my fingers, a swift movement meant to make her helpless. I lifted her chest so slightly from the futon, waiting for her resolve to break. I could see her eyes glistening more than they had been at my first touch. "Do you still feel the same way?" Her eyes were locked on me, her lips pressed together. I could feel her heart racing through the atmosphere around us. She nodded her head with determination.
With my bent knees, I forced her thighs to both sides of me, keeping my fingers curled in the closure of her kimono as I used one hand and then the other to hook behind her knees. I sunk into my position, allowing my knees to part, my body to lower until I hovered only millimeters above the floor. My kimono was draped around my lower body, still tied loosely around my hips, and her thighs lay over mine atop the silk. I couldn't deny how perfectly we fit together. Both of my hands returned to the closure of her kimono, pressing with my knuckles into the soft skin of her chest to ease her back flat against the futon. How easily her body left me no resistance. The only resistance left was her resolve. Slowly, painstakingly, I parted the fold, exposing her. It was nothing more than anything I had laid my eyes on in the bathhouse. It was nothing more than my hands had already tainted. Her hand shot up to grab my wrist. I leaned my head close, nestled in the curve of her neck to sink my teeth into her skin. I ignored her hold on me, her fear made her weak, and I tasted it on her as my tongue dragged lines over her.
That was all it had taken. That was all I had needed to do from the beginning, and if I had known, I could have broken her before I had become threatened by the game that I had started. She screamed. "No! Seishin!" The shrillness at the top of her lungs echoed in my ears and I clapped my palm over her mouth to dampen it. Her sobs came after as the tears began to overflow in her eyes. Her fingers, so small, held my wrists so tightly, with so much determination, so much ambition. She cried, and she cried my name, and I remained. I could feel her strain against me, but my strength was more. I could have continued. I could have overpowered her so easily, given her what she had asked me for without hesitation. I could have drowned out her screams while I did it, filled my mind with ecstasy instead. In that moment I scared myself more.
"Hush, child." My arms around her held her close against my body, this time as I used it for comfort. I laid myself beside her again, her face buried in my chest, her grip desperate at my sides. I wondered how she could have been so terrified of what I might do to her in the moments before, and yet still hold me so frantically seeking safety in what had just condemned her. I had once been so confused. "I had no intentions tonight." I lied to her anyway.
"Then why do this?"
My fingers through her hair smoothed the tangles. "It will take more than just this before you can enjoy yourself. At least in my hands, child, I can teach you rather than take from you." I prayed she would have some scrap of trust remaining for me.
I let her cry, soaking my skin, until she slept. When I opened my eyes, it was to the sound of a sliding door, the light of the early morning burning through the window. The room was bathed in gold, and I thought it a fitting presentation. An assurance, that letting such a game be put to rest for the night was the right thing to have done. Mori stood in the doorway, Sayaka slept against my body. I lifted my head from the futon, focusing my tired gaze.
"Did you go through with it?"
I laid my head back down. "Not even close."
"What now, then?"
"I'm going to speak with her highest bidder today."