'You didn't want Gary to win,' he said flatly, recalling and repeating her
words, damning her even further.
But that time with Ric had turned into much more. She desperately needed to tell him so and have him believe her, yet the words choked in her throat, strangled by all her actions since.
'So what was the plan, Lara?' he tossed at her derisively. 'To confuse the issue if you had fallen pregnant to Gary before you gave yourself to me? Say the baby was mine and not his?' He threw up his hands in disgust and moved to the end the table, pressing his balled fists onto it as he leaned toward her in biting challenge, 'Did you really imagine you could get away with that when DNA testing can prove paternity either way?'
'I didn't have a plan,' she cried. 'I was just…reacting.' 'Lying to me about protection,' he bored in.
'I didn't want you to stop.'
'And you didn't care about my rights, did you? I was just there to be used.'
'No!'
'And now that Gary's dead, he can't use the child to stay in your life, so it doesn't make any difference to you who the father is.' He glared at her in towering fury. 'Does it, Lara?' One hand lifted and sliced the air in savage dismissal. 'You can waltz off and do what you like with the child, without any interference.'
She closed her eyes, unable to bear seeing the dreadful pain she had given him with her deceit. 'It's my responsibility, Ric,' was all she could say in her defence.
'Oh, I'm not disputing that, Lara. Look at me, damn you! Don't think you can shut me out now!'
She opened her eyes, feeling utterly helpless to fix what she'd done. To him it was all offensive. 'I don't know how to make it right,' she said hopelessly.
'The procedure from here is very simple,' he blazed at her. 'We go to a doctor of my choice—not your doctor, Lara, because I don't trust you anymore.'
She flinched. Even knowing she'd broken trust with him, it hurt to be the object of such bitter mistrust. 'I didn't plan getting you to make love to me,' she protested, needing to fight at least that accusation.
He straightened up, a tall powerful man, intensely formidable in his wounded pride. 'You called me back to you on the veranda, Lara. I'd already passed your room.'
'I was afraid I might be asleep when you left in the morning. I wanted…'
'You wanted me to lie with you.' His eyes mocked any innocent spin she could put on that.
She shook her head. 'It just all built from what I felt with you,' she said defeatedly.
'Whatever you felt with me, Lara, it obviously wasn't enough for you to consider sharing your life with me.'
Her chin lifted, defying this judgment of her. 'Trapping you into it with a child…after I'd assured you I was protected? Would you be pleased with that situation, Ric?'
'You made all the decisions,' came the counter-punch. 'The queen… disregarding the pawn…as though I had no part in the game at all. And believe me…I will disappear from it altogether if it's Gary's child. But if it's mine…'
His jaw tightened. His eyes beamed hard, ruthless determination. '… don't think for one millisecond that I can be turned out of my child's life. I'll fight you with everything I've got for appropriate visiting rights.'
Visiting rights.
Of course.
He wouldn't want her after this.
His opinion of her was so low, it was a wonder he wasn't threatening to sue for custody of the child.
If it was his.
'Make what arrangements you like for the DNA test,' she said dully, resigning herself to the inevitable. 'Let me know and I'll be there.'
'Do I have your word on that?' he grimly demanded.
'Yes.' Her eyes did their own mocking. 'If my word is worth anything.'
He frowned, mistrust flitting over his face again. 'I'll line up an appointment. On the day, I'll come and collect you for it,' he said decisively.
'No need for you to suffer my company any more than you have to, Ric. I'll turn up for the test. I want to know, too.' She summoned up a wry little smile. 'I couldn't bring myself to ask it of you before. But now…' She shrugged. '…you've made your position clear. I can't keep you free of it any longer.'
'No, you can't,' he whipped back.
All her torment over the decisions she'd made had been in vain. Ric hated and despised her for taking the course she had ultimately chosen—the worst possible outcome.
'I guess we should both hope the child is Gary's,' she said bleakly. 'Then you won't have any need to be involved with me anymore.'
'You want the child to be Gary's?'
His intonation implied that such a wish should be anathema to her— wanting the child of a man who had abused her. Yet it was the one out for him, his only chance of being free from a lifelong commitment to a child he wouldn't have chosen to have.
'Don't you want that, Ric?'
His eyes flared with some violent emotion. When he spoke, it was with a bitter edge that cut into all she'd done wrong. 'You know something, Lara? You've never once asked me what I want. It's all been about what you want…which I've tried to give you. But I'm not giving any more. I'll do what's right for me. And I hope you'll have the decency to acknowledge what's right.'
She bowed her head, mortally ashamed of having taken so much from him and giving nothing in return. Though God knew she'd meant to…his freedom for hers. But he was never going to see it that way.
'I'll call you about the appointment,' he said bruskly. And left.
Lara stared at the closed door for a long time, wishing she could open it again, do it all differently. Ric Donato had come back into her life—the one man who might have been her soul mate—and she had messed up the chance of their ever getting together in a happy and loving relationship.
She found herself fiercely hoping that the child was his. Then he wouldn't walk away. He'd claim visiting rights as the father and maybe somewhere down the line of the future they'd be forced to share, she might be able to change his opinion of her.
It all depended on the DNA test.
A knock on the door startled her. Her first thought was Ric had come back and she quickly called, 'Yes,' not caring if he berated her on some further issue. Any chance to correct his totally negative view of her was welcome, regardless of how painful it might be.
It was the housekeeper, returning to check on her. 'Are you all right, Mrs. Chappel?'
'Yes.' She managed a rueful smile. 'Sorry you were troubled, Mrs.Keith.'
The housekeeper frowned, not satisfied with having this matter brushed off. 'That Mr. Donato…he came in like a storm and went out like one, too, not waiting for me to show him the door.'
'It won't happen again, Mrs. Keith,' Lara assured her, turning her attention to picking up the next row of squares to show everything was back to normal.
It struck her that she was playing another deceit, hiding the truth. Gary had taught her to do that—maintain the image that nothing was wrong or there'd be consequences she wouldn't like. But she had no reason to hide anything now.
'I'm pregnant,' she blurted out. 'Good heavens!'
The housekeeper's shock was testament to how well Lara had hidden her true situation. At least, over the pregnancy. She hadn't been able to completely hide how Gary had conducted their marriage.
'Mr. Donato was upset because I hadn't told him…and he has reason to believe the child I'm carrying might be his.'
'Oh, my dear!' The shock melted into sympathy. 'Do you know…is it your husband's?'
Lara grimaced. 'It could be, Mrs. Keith. That's why…' She heaved a sigh that carried the whole miserable weight of her dilemma. 'Anyway, I've agreed to a DNA test to settle the question one way or another.'
The housekeeper nodded. 'It must be very difficult for you,' she said sadly. 'Can I bring you something? Tea and cake?'
'Yes. Thank you.'
Tea and cake…it reminded Lara of… Evelyn!
She hadn't asked Ric how he'd learnt of her pregnancy. How had been irrelevant when his very first words had expressed certain knowledge.
While she had never actually admitted it to Evelyn, hadn't discussed her situation at all, there was no one else who could have been Ric's source on this.
Gundamurra…
Lara sank onto the chair in front of the sewing machine. Her gaze dropped to the squares of fabric she'd picked up and was still holding. Pieces of a pattern. At least she was in control of the quilt pattern. She wasn't sure she'd ever been in control of the pattern of her life.
At Gundamurra, she'd decided she would take responsibility for what she'd done, steer her own course, stick to what she thought was right, make her own way forward. But that decision had been tainted by the deceit it had forced her to maintain with Ric.
Deceit was never good. Even with the best of intentions, it was never good. Next time she met Ric…there might be only one more time if the child wasn't his. She crossed her hands over her stomach, closed her eyes and fervently prayed…
Please let it be his…please let it be…