Four months ago, May 2016...
"Help me!"
The sound was heard throughout the house, but strangely, no one noticed the sound. No one knew who, why, and for what purpose the voice could be in the house. Even the family living in the house didn't know there was a sound around them—they went on with their activities as if nothing had happened.
There has been a suicide in the victim's house. The victim only wrote a message in the form of a letter before she decided to kill herself, stabbing a kitchen knife into the right side of her stomach. The message she wrote reads:
"I am sorry. I'm so sorry. Forgive me! I am so, so sorry! I'm tired. I'm too tired! I can't live like this. I was selfish, but I finally realised I was more selfish than I thought. I didn't even think about what would happen after someone found me and this letter. I can only surrender, hoping I will be forgiven one last time. I'm so sorry. Forgive me! Forgive me! Thanks for everything, Uncle. Thank you for taking care of me all this time. Thank you very much, Uncle. From: Jamilla Armstrong."
No one knows the motive why she did that. Only a note she wrote indicates that she has decided to do so. No family, no one by her side, no one to help her. She is just a lonely teenager.
The case was closed with the allegation: that she died of suicide caused by mental illness.
***
Today, August 2016...
"What's the matter, Raka? Why are you still checking that file? Wasn't that case closed four months ago?" A woman said, bringing her head closer to mine, then staring at my laptop.
"I just wanted to look through the old files."
"Is that so?" She moved away, then looked at me and crossed her arms over her body. "I'm still curious..."
"Curious about what?" I ask.
"You know if you read that message…"
"Message?"
"Yeah, that message."
I immediately checked the message in question. I clicked on the message file, the message it had written to someone.
"Until now, the person in the letter has never appeared."
"What do you mean, her uncle?"
"Well, you know what, I'm very suspicious of her uncle. How not, we have sent and given the news that his niece has died by suicide, but until now, he has not even come to her funeral. Is he her uncle? Or... was he the one who killed her? He faked the letter as if his niece had written it. It could happen, right?"
"You're right. It could happen. However, the case was closed four months ago. So…" I stood up. "Whatever you say won't change anything."
I walked away, leaving her looking still in thought.
"Oh, you're right. Then where do you want to go?"
"I want to smoke. After all, I was released today. There's no case for me to handle now. Well, I had a great time today," I said and walked away without looking at her.
"Oh, I see. Then…" She ran over to me, and I could hear her high heels getting closer. "How about having lunch together later?"
I stopped after she told me that. Then I turned to her and flicked her forehead, which was covered by her bangs.
"Next time, Karina." I left her, who was holding her forehead.
"You said you were free, didn't you? Why did you refuse my invitation?"
Hearing her question, I stopped and turned toward her.
"Ah… it's because I don't love you."
After saying that, I left her.
"What is this? Why does he always lie about his feelings? I've known that since we were in middle school, but you instead... I don't understand your thinking. You liar."
***
Vacation, maybe that's what I want right now. I'm too dizzy to do that or them. I can't stand this suffering in my head and heart. Even so, I still try to smile in front of people.
I once spoke to my eldest brother. That happened twenty-three years ago. At that time, his words gave me motivation and direction in which I should go. I still remember that.
"Where do you want to go? Aren't you going to play with me?"
"Sorry, Raka, maybe next time. I have to work now."
"But..."
He suddenly smiled when I found out he couldn't play with me because of his job.
"Smile! Even if a loser is in front of you, you still have to smile. Don't always forget to smile, because it is free. Never regret that I left you because of my job. Tomorrow… we will have fun after the day is over." He bent down before me and thrust his little finger at me.
"Promise?"
"Yes, I promise."
I put my little finger to his little finger.
"But remember one thing, smile even if you are suffering."
I don't understand what he meant by "keep smiling no matter what". He said something a kid wouldn't understand. But after 3 years had passed since he conveyed that to me when I followed him, I finally understood what he meant.
Even if he has difficulty at work, even if people view him as an orphan, even if he has to carry a very heavy burden on his shoulders, even if he has to suffer from being abandoned by his girlfriend and becoming a single father because of my presence in his life, keep smile! With a smile, everything will be fine.
Yeah, everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine... with a smile.
"What's fine? Tch." After arriving at the smoking room, I lit a cigarette and stared out the glass wall.
The ants (humans) there look peaceful, as if there is no evil in this world. Someone was on the phone, waiting for the bus at the bus stop, students were walking with their friends, office slaves who ran because they were late, and my face reflected on the glass wall.
"Come to think of it, weren't they in too much hurry? They forget to smile. That student, that clerk, don't they smile near their friend? Then why smile when you know you can't do that in that state?"
I asked myself. Then, I looked at myself in the reflection of the glass wall and thought.
Why can he say that? Look at them; there is no smile on their lips. You keep smiling when you realise that it's not necessary to do so. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes you laugh. Sometimes you talk. Sometimes you are silent. It's not always good to smile. Then, why do you keep smiling even when your condition is suffering? Hey, Yuda, can you explain it to me? Why did you leave me before I could find your reason for staying alive? Why did you go away from me? Your daughter... I can't be like you, who always smiles in all conditions. I just... I'm just a loser who even let your daughter die. Why... why did you leave me? Why did you have to leave this world? Yuda...
Tears started to come out of my eyes. I can't contain the sorrow I'm going through because I remember him, who has been there for me all this time. Every time he smiles, supports me, and suffers but hides it through his smile, every time he gives me words, I... I'm nothing. I'm just a guy who just makes his life miserable. If only I wasn't born and our parents hadn't had an accident, he would be very happy right now. Maybe he is already a professional basketball player. He will not bury his ideals. Maybe he will find a much better partner than that woman. And maybe... maybe he wouldn't live like this.
His world, his freedom, his wings... I have snatched away. And the life of his daughter, I have also taken. I am a man who has snatched their life. I am a man who doesn't deserve to live. I was... a loser.
***
In a house, 10 pm.
"Hah!? What did you say?"
A man who continued to sit and stare at his computer screamed in surprise. He turned to me, put on a shocked face, and stopped there.
"Wait! Wait! Have you gone mad? You must be crazy, Raka. I can't let you do that. You know how dangerous that experiment is, don't you? Your body will break if you drink it."
He learns of an experiment conducted by a secret company. I was the one who told him that.
"You're like this because of Jamilla, right?" He asked again and kept staring at me.
I responded by nodding.
"You can't do that. I won't do that! I don't want to lose a great detective like you. I don't want to lose the person who saved me. I don't want to lose you like Yuda."
He turned towards his computer. Then, he looked down to see his legs which had been paralysed.
"You know..." I hesitated to speak. Then, he turned and looked back at me.
"Don't you have any other way of finding out what happened to Jamilla? You're a great detective, aren't you? Why can't you solve the case? Why couldn't the cops do such an easy matter and cover it up like it was a suicide case? Why don't you tell them Jamilla won't do that? What did the police do? What do they think? And... what happened? Jamilla… she is a nice girl, but you guys easily let her die and think she committed suicide."
"I-I… I don't understand, either. Honestly, I wanted to act and take over the case. However, the higher-ups told me to be quiet. I tried to remain patient and await the outcome of their investigation. But in the end, they decided anyway and concluded that it was a case of suicide."
"Have you ever tried..."
"I've tried various ways to keep the case going. I allowed myself to handle that. But... they wouldn't allow me to do that. I was disappointed with myself and them. I don't know what else to do now. I'm not a great detective like you say. I'm just their slave. I can't move if they don't let me."
I tried everything so I could figure it out, but in the end, what I did was limited by my higher-ups. They told me not to do that because it was a suicide case.
"Raka..."
He approached me by moving his wheelchair. Then, he saw me crying.
"I… I can't do anything anymore. This is all I can do for them. I have no other choice. Yuda... Jamilla..."
"But..."
"I know it's dangerous, but what can I do? My life is nothing compared to the lives of those I have taken."
"But what if Jamilla did kill herself?"
I was shocked when he said that. After a few seconds of surprise, I turned my head towards him.
"No, I'm sure she wouldn't do that. She is the Jamilla I have raised with my own two hands. She couldn't have done such a stupid thing. She is like my eldest brother, always smiling, and it makes me always ask: is she okay? It's my fault because I'm too selfish thinking about my job that she doesn't get my attention. I'm too selfish to go abroad just for my job. I didn't notice her at all... I was stupid. Because of me, she ended up like this. Isn't that the same as me killing her?"
"No, this is neither your fault nor your stupidity. You raised her after her father's death. You are the best uncle in the world. Yuda must be proud to have a young brother like you, Raka. Trust me; you have done your job well as her uncle and stepfather."
After he said that and comforted me, he turned his wheelchair and walked to his computer.
"Okay, I'll help you."
"Really?"
That's the news I was waiting for from him. I'm very happy to hear that.
"I just need to fake your identity, right?"
"Yes, please..."
"Alright, that's an easy matter. But remember, if your body is in pain, you must go to the hospital immediately! I don't want to lose you like Yuda."
"Thank you, Anton. I'll be taking time off."
I thanked him, so I decided to leave.
"Raka… I hope you're okay after you do that. You can't die from that pill. I believe you can find out what happened to Jamilla and why she killed herself. I believe in you as much as I believe in Yuda. You are my friend's younger brother and my only friend. Please save Jamilla, who revealed her death, so that she can rest peacefully."