*tap*
"Ansel's a great guy. He'll find someone better" I said.
My neck cracked as I quickly tilted my head subconsciously.
As if such action could alleviate my annoyance with that statement.
*tap tap*
"Someone saner. Someone unbroken..." I muttered.
Gripping my knees tightly, my knuckles have now gone white.
As I struggled to have my self-control in a chokehold.
*tap tap tap*
"He can have anyone he wants. He deserves love and happiness. Everyone deserves that."
My emerald eyes nervously dart back and forth between Mr. Connor and my knees.
Like an anxious child worriedly peers to get a glimpse of their disapproving father.
*tap tap tap tap*
"Everyone but... me."
If 'Livid' was a color, it would be red.
Bloody-curling, blindingly furious, candy apple red.
*tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap...*
... goes the roof glass of the greenhouse.
Sudden rain starts pouring hard this early afternoon.
"... ha .... ha ..." escapes my lips.
Eyes blurry, head hung back heavy.
"... ha .... ha ... ha... ha .... ha ..." has gotten louder out from my mouth.
My nostrils flared as a creepy smile continued to subconsciously echo the insane laughter out of me.
"Ms. Nikita, are you okay?" Looking at Mr. Connor, worry encompasses his well-defined features.
My right hand clenched my shirt as the ringing in my ears got louder by the second.
"Ms. Nikita, please talk to me. Can you hear me?" were the words I read from Mr. Connor's lips.
Breathing felt labored while my vision get fuzzier, making Mr. Connor's features more distorted in my eyes.
"Ms. Nik-" Red. All I see is red.
(I can't hear anything. Though I can still see, everything seems to be in different shades of red.)
Mr. Connor got into a state of frenzied panic.
(My hand moved on its own. How did that happen? Am I strung along like some hollow marionette?)
Signaling a nearby house help to assist him with something.
(Seeing broken porcelain on the floor, Mr. Connor held his hands up as if trying to calm me down.)
The heart-wrenching pain in my chest waged war with the deafening chaos in my head.
(Everything looks different now. Did I stand up?)
The next thing I knew, I was running in the rain.
(Where to? How is my body running when I don't remember ever wanting to?)
(Why I am running? Who am I running from?)
Both were fighting for dominance, each was demanding my undivided attention the most.
(Everything hurts my eyes. How can a simple lamp post by the gate look so painfully bright?)
(My head starts pounding even more.)
(Where am I now? A forest? Where am I going?)
My fragile heart, with its gold-filled cracks starting to chip at the core, urges me to flee from the possibilities of betrayal and abandonment.
(How far deep in the forest am I?)
(Why am I still running? Who am I running from?)
(Am I facing the ground? Did I just trip over something? Why doesn't it hurt?)
The cautious mind, matured by unfortunate experiences, concocted at least 222 different game plans, narrowing down to potential escape routes with the least amount of emotional damage.
(Looking down, I see my feet submerged underwater.)
(By the looks of things, I'm crossing a small river.)
(I think we passed by a river on the way home. Where am I going?)
The excruciating pangs in my heart had rendered me immobilized.
Leaning my runaway body against a willow tree, my eyes saw an abandoned building in ruins.
(Wait, where am I?)
(Is that the abandoned church we passed by on the way to the cliff?)
The pounding in my head willed me back to tread toward the ruined building for shelter.
(There are far way prettier, more capable girls that Ansel deserves.)
The closer I got, was another step closer for my vision to slowly go back to multicolor.
(He'll be fed up with me soon enough. Everyone leaves me.)
Throwing my body to every tree for support, my emerald eyes set that as the final destination.
(No one truly wants to stay with me. No one is actually willing to choose me.)
Every so often, the feeling in my body painstakingly started to resurface.
(Mr. Connor. Gran-gran. Ansel. Everyone takes care of me out of obligation or pity.)
A few trees left and I can start feeling the sensation of my legs.
(No one truly cares. They only stay out of duty. Yes, they stay because it's the right human thing to do.)
All that's left is to climb over the corroded wrought-iron metal fences.
(That's right. Connie and Ansel? They stay with me out of the goodness of their heart.)
My right leg got caught in the rusted fences on my way down.
(They stay out of pity.)
The only red thing I see now is the blood trickling from the open wound.
(They're just too nice and too precious for this cruel sadistic world to begin with.)
Pulling my wounded leg hard, my body crashed into the grassy rubble on the premise of the abandoned church.
(If things don't work out with the mystery guy Connie is currently seeing, I'd be happy if two of my important people got together.)
Looking at the fence, it waved a part of my bloodied pants like a red flag, declaring a warning to whoever sees it.
(Connie and Ansel... together?)
My weary body sprung to its feet and ran across the deserted cemetery as it felt desperate to seek refuge in the abandoned church.
(Why does that thought cause more pain in my heart than my injured leg?!)
Stumbling over a large piece of the head of a broken angel statue, my body cushioned its landing by sacrificing my forearms and hands.
(I want them to be happy but why do they together break my defeated heart?!)
The image of the church is fast approaching as my worn-out body can feel every grime and mud underneath my fingernails.
(Can't I bare the thought of seeing them happy together?! Am I that selfish?!)
Finally arriving in the foyer steps of the abandoned church, my emerald eyes saw that majority of the structure was missing a roof.
(I know I want them to be happy! I just... I don't want them to be happy together?)
Dragging my feet inside, seeing the erosion and rubble within its barely existing walls, my sight is set on the remnants of the altar.
(Or... do I actually not want Ansel to be happy... without me...)
Feeling the lives lived and passed in every passing pew on my injured fingertips, my bloodshot hollow eyes wander around, admiring the beauty in its chaotic ruin.
(Without me, Ansel can live a simpler and easier life.)
The weight of the weariness finally made itself known as my feverish body gave out at the steps before the altar.
(Without me... Ansel can still live a happy life.)
Finally facing defeat head-on, a soul-shattering hoarse scream escaped my dry mouth.
(Ansel's better off without me...)
Feeling the heavy downpour on my body, I thank the rain for trying its best to mask the pain slowly leaving my body.
(That's right. He'll be happier without me.)
Turning towards the stormy skies, I welcome Mother Nature's wrath with open arms.
(I can't be selfish. Ansel deserves to be happy.)
Every injury sustained should have jolted me back to reality.
(But I can't bare to see Ansel leave me!)
Yet all I can sense is this foreboding rush of numbness.
(He can't leave me if I push him away first.)
Numbness, my old friend has embraced me once more.
(Do I really have it in me to push him away?)
Eyes fluttering as my fever has somehow reached its peak, I surrender to the numbing void.
(I have no choice. I have to do it for Ansel's sake.)
As I await for the soothing numbness to take over, my eyes somehow caught two hazy lights from outside.
(Yes, I can do it... for him, there's nothing I wouldn't do.)
Following the source of the hazy lights, a shadow was fast approaching my body.
(Pushing won't be enough. I have to make him walk away.)
Feeling weightless, my hollow emerald eyes caught sight of a familiar man.
(That's right. I'll make him hate me so much he'd run for his life.)
On how Ansel somehow found me was a mystery I don't feel like uncovering anytime soon.
(It's for his best but... why does walking away feel like a fate worse than death?!)
Unsure if I even still have the capacity to care, my consciousness felt as if it was mere seconds away as my thoughts escaped my lips.
"Why can't you see that I'm not worth saving?"
Then comes darkness.