2006-
"Mommm! Please!!!! I understannndddd! I know what Dad THINKS. I know what you WANT, but Gawd! Remember this is my life! I can barely keep up with all this unnecessary foolishness."
My mother stood looking up slightly at me, and I knew she was hurt. I could even understand that she was feeling as if her daughter was overreacting. What else is new??? It's been 3yrs now that Darenzo has been gone and its has been really hard on our little family. My grandmother, who had already been on the brink of needing live in assistance hadn't been able to take it. After loosing one of her only two grandchildren (and a stroke) she now lived in an assisted living home back in Tennessee. Going to see her was definitely made a lit harder by the wall to wall pictures of Dee and I as we grew up. My grandma "GiGi" did not look like your typical 67yr old. My vicarious grandmother had actually played small roles on television back in the 70's and early 80's during the soap opera heydays. That fiery red hair and creamy skin had held up well over the years. I sometimes suspect that a little bottle of dye maybe assisting her just a tad with that red, but I can't be sure. She had even passed down her larger than life personality along with her great looks to her daughter; my mom Candice.
My mom was your typical daddy's girl. With God given beautiful curly red hair and curves just like her mother, paired with the sharp intelligence from her dad....a sure star was born. A natural born overachieving young lady that had graduated top of her class and never caused either of her parents a moments worry. My mom was at 44 still a show stopper, quickly noticed in any room she stepped in. My mother had been nothing but another trophy of success for both of her parents.....until she became pregnant with my brother during her junior year of college. To this day I believe that my grandparents would have handled it all much better had my father been white.
As it stands, my father Larenzo Hodges, a military enlistee that couldn't quite cut the military, a college dropout, a kid from the "wrong side of town" as they say, fell for my mom and fell hard. He fell so hard that he realized the menial construction job he was currently working was not going to be enough. From what he had heard the couple he hoped to have as in-laws one day would probably cut Candice off at the thought of her chosing a barely educated black man from the ghetto. They would think he wanted their money because they would never understand that he couldn't be driven by something he had never had. Having grown up with just his mom to raise him and his younger sister, Cynthia, my dad had learned the pangs of hunger, and shame of wearing the same shoes til they fell apart early on in life. There was never any extra money for anything at all. As children my dad and aunt would sing each other Happy Birthday over a candle stuck in things like honeybuns or a slice of pie. Their mom would be at work until late and leave out a new shirt or hat she managed to purchase second hand from somewhere for them to discover when they woke up for breakfast. His beautiful intended fiance needed to finish school first and foremost. The thought of her not finishing and living out her life looking at him with an eye of regret was torture to imagine. They would have to start out small, maybe a little one bedroom apartment downtown. The idea of working his fingers to the bone had not scared my daddy one bit; with every thing in him he was ready to be the man his father wasn't and provide for his family one day just as they would deserve. So after saving up for a little over a year, rarely taking "Miss Candy" as he lovingly called her on dates because their relationship had to be hidden, he was ready to propose. Unbeknownst to him, my mother had a surprise of her own.
Sitting outside the busy Quincy's restaurant; my dad had turned to my mom and said...."Candy, I know you don't want to be out late so I want to get this over with...and regardless of what you say I want us to go in and enjoy ourselves...." "Aw baby of course we will enjoy ourselves. I love being with you. Stop worrying! I do not care about fancy restaurants; I've told you that a million times!!! We are a family now. You are enough for me, and....and I know that you will be a great father". Not a slow leak at all my dad sat for about 5 seconds in shock before he grabbed my mom hooting with joy. "When? How????" "Larenzo Hodges!" my mom laughed....."You know exactly how!"
My parents had gone on into Quincy's that night. My mom had eaten until her heart was content, and they had celebrated. Minus the engagement ring, however. Even though my dad was thrilled to hear about the baby that would be my brother he knew he would have to be ready to be a husband and father so the ring had secretly been exchanged for a smaller one. My dad had kept his mouth closed about the proposal and took the recouped difference in money and used it as a down payment on classes for CDL training. My parents eventually had a small and quiet wedding. My brother was being held by Grandma Cammy, dad's mom. my Aunt Cynthia had done a beautiful job decorating on a tiny budget. My mother's family had accidentally booked a trip to Hawaii during the same time, and so they missed it. Three years later I was born. By the time I had arrived my dad was still being looked down on even though he had proven himself as a worthy provider, husband, and father with a successful hauling business named 'Hodges Hauling' of all things. His green and gold trucks could always be seen up and down the interstate. It had taken just one lucrative contract with a local grocery store chain, and my dad's one truck had multiplied and his business grew like wild fire. I have been told my grand father actually had my father looked into so that he could be assured my father was not transporting anything illegal. He refused to be that sheer hard work had paid off for my dad, and til the day he died 9yrs ago he was resentful of my father. Even as Gigi fell in love hugging my toddler brother and me as a newborn....my grandfather looked on with loathing. Not at us children, but at my dad for putting a wedge between our family supposedly that only my grandfather could see.
My grandmother's once famous red hair was not only missed at my parent's wedding, but it was also not passed on to her grandchildren. Both my brother and I came with honey blond hair and green eyes. My brother was a very light brown whereas I was not easily recognized as biracial. In the day and age of various beauty enhancing techniques most people assumed I was African American with contacts and weave wanting to stand out. Little did they know! That notion couldn't be farther from the truth. I never liked the attention good or bad. I even had some brown contacts hidden in my purse. I was not looking for a repeat of high school. I had been testing them out my entire senior year late at night because I did not want to hear another speech about how beautiful I am and that I should just embrace it. SMH.
My mother now stood before me ready to cry, because I told her I had not intended to pledge for any of the campus sorority organizations. I looked down at my mom seeing failure written across her face. What I couldn't read was if it was that she had failed as a parent or I as a child. "STOP IT!" , I silently screamed in my head. My therapist had warned me about allowing myself to wallow in survivor's guilt. Like so many times before; it was hard not to wonder if my parents would not have preferred to have their favorite back? Darenzo had that "it factor" that was second nature to him. Book smart and street savvy, goal orientated and ready to take life by the horns. Who could blame them? Hell sometimes I wish I could trade places with Renzo.
Both of my parents had always wanted to make sure their son and daughter lived full lives being able to embrace both sides of their heritage. Truth be told it was annoying. My father had turned his back on his family since right after high school. He had made it a life's mission to show his in-laws he was worthy of their daughter; in the process he had cut out most reminders of what and who he had previously been and from where he came. So by Renzo and I "embracing our heritage" it meant we ate at soul food restaurants often, kept my hair braided, and often helped with community give backs. Dad and Renzo would go hooping at various parks. That was one thing that paid off. As it turned out, my brother was a natural, playing varsity basketball all through high school and was well sought after by college recruits. Basketball had also been something dad was good at, and so he was eager to share that love with his son for the game. It was also another thing I sucked at. I enjoyed the few times I would be allowed to join them, probably because mom was out of town on another trip with friends from college. Sitting there watching my dad be himself and use language I'd usually never hear was so relaxing. I actually felt more at home with people that looked more like me. A few blocks over seemed a million miles away. Our own neighborhood only had a dog park and a kiddie park farther down. Definitely no basketball courts around. All the girls there wanted a nice tan, but some how skin as dark as mine made me invisible. I wasn't treated as an outcast; I was simply ignored all together. The entire while my almost olive complected brother was idolized liked some exotic god. I guess the trips to the "hood" was needed. What made it all a bunch of crap was that I always felt like my dad disliked every black friend I ever made there, never bought me black dolls, and did not allow my brother and I to listen to hip hop. It was as though we were expected to be a new breed of evolved Hodges. He wanted to erase everything he felt had been sullied in his own life with awesome achievements and recognition my brother and I received. That task came easily to Renzo. He was a basketball and baseball star, the girls loved him and he was an honor roll student. I on the other hand struggled to make friends, was not at all athletic and had a hard time maintaining a "C" average. I had spent a lot of time wondering how my brother and I could be so different. We loved each other and were close, but we were like night and day.
Even though I had always been proud of Renzo; never was I jealous. I absolutely hated the attention he loved. I did not want the Ohhs and Ahhs that he was so lovingly accustomed to. I was content with being his little sister and silent cheerleader. Even with him being so popular most kids never acknowledged that I was his little sister. We looked a lot alike; I was just darker! I would hear my classmates talk about him and his friends like they were local celebrities. Hearing them gush over the same guy I knew hated showering and would pile his breakfast eggs and bacon onto his waffles to make a huge sandwich was crazy. I loved him though. Him being taken from us had left a huge hole in all our hearts.
"Not today Camille".
Today was my second day of my college experience and if I wasn't going to let mom ruin it; I wasn't either. "Mom I thought you hung back to help me get acquainted with this town? Lets grab lunch and site see!" With a pleading look I had tried to change the subject and beg my mom to drop it all in a single effort.
Once mom smiled, I knew I had succeeded. "Lets try out some local barbeque!....and the mall maybe???"
"Mmm, we shall see. I told you weeks ago to do some back to school shopping! You bought 3 pairs of leggings and some slides young lady! You forget about skirts,makeup, heels!!!! Did you pack your curling iron? What about that dress you wore to your Cynt's wedding??? You were gorgeous in that thang!"
"Ma! No, I didn't bring a formal dress! Where and why would I need that here? LOL"
Two and a hal hours later with spoils safely tucked in my trunk, mom and I were having habachi. We didn't run across any interesting barbeque spots which I found kinda strange for Virginia.
"I wish I had gotten your father to get you some type of pepper spray or something. I would feel a whole lot bett....oh myyyy...."
I looked up from my fried rice to see my mom giving a coy look over my shoulder. "Camille, I do believe you have your first admirer in Virginia. He is something tasty too." I sat turning a soft hue of pink, not blushing for any reason....just tickled and anxious to see who my mother was referring to as "tasty". "Ma! Just stop it! It better be Dad behind me!" Because her gaze kept shifting from me to Mr. Tasty, I turned around and saw the back of tall guy with his hair pulled up into a man bun! Ha! From behind he did look to be in great shape...but he had a MAN BUN! He was leaving with his food to go.
"Seriously? Man buns are not ok, Ma. He definitely was not my type. Besides...he was probably staring at you." I turned back around to my food. It was a little embarrassing being with my mom at times. As I got older I noticed more guys would rather the "MILF" with me than the her dork daughter.
It didn't really matter. I would have plenty for guys AFTER college. I anticipated needing all of my focus to graduate.
*Sigh*