It was on the 24th of December. Christmas Eve. I woke up expecting another normal day before Christmas but little did I that my life know my life was about to change.
New Twitter Notification:
"Danlad wassup? You coming to the GIG at Michael's house?"
This was a DM I got from Asamoah on the 24th of December 2024. "Asamoah," I muttered under my breath. I called him "A$AP Blackey," partly because of his love for rap and partly because he was unapologetically Ghanaian and loved to flaunt it. He was tall, dark (the real tall, dark, and handsome), and, most importantly, loaded. Rich kid problems? He had them in spades.
He was the fourth and only son out of a family of eight (5 kids, 2 wives, 1 husband).
At 18 (same age as I was), Asamoah already knew how to drive as he blackmailed the drivers into giving him car keys to go anywhere he wanted. To cut the details short, he was a spoilt brat lost in a Garden City belonging to Victoria (VGC).
Michael was Asamoah's senior in school (Greensprings, to be precise). Did I tell you how endowed Asamoah's sisters were? I don't know how they do the magic, but Ghanaian girls rock!!!
Anyway, back to reality.
Me: "Dude, I am broke. My uncle went on a trip, and I got no T-fare, talk less of tickets to enter Michael's party."
Asamoah: "Lol! Ur 419 uncle don run from EFCC again? No worry, I go come pick you, and ticket is a boy and a girl."
Asamoah: "Abeg I beg you, no carry babe wey you get feelings for come oh! Heard there will be pools and lotta empty rooms."
Asamoah: "Sha check the details @ my last tweet."
At this point, as a young cultured boy from a humble home, I was wondering: "What type of event center has pools and empty rooms?" Mind you, I attended a government school (secondary) somewhere in Ajah, Lagos.
Recently, I moved in with my uncle to help him with his business, and the only time I got to touch the steering of his 2021 Honda Accord and 2022 Lexus RX 350 was when I was washing the cars. Trust me, I washed cars so much I almost went to Peak Talent Show to showcase my car-washing talent.
Anyway, you must be wondering : "How did I get to associate with these rich kids?" Well Shoutout to RCCG City of David Parish and Jesus Embassy Parish.
If you know those churches, you will understand my point. And when I roll with my uncle who stays in a neighboring estate on Lekki Expressway, you will think I am one hell of an Ajebota (born with a silver spoon).
(Back to the conversation with Asamoah)
Me: "Alright bro, but abeg you go borrow me one of your Nike Air Force One sneakers oh! Which of the event centers tho?"
Asamoah: "Ahaha! Charlie, I go bring am for you jare. And it's at Michael's house. Him papa don travel, e mama na soji woman."
Like seriously? How spoilt can these kids be? Will I be bold enough host party in my father's house? Or Is it my mum I'll approach and say i want to invite friends for a party? I thought.
Well, as a confirmed Edo boy, I arranged, packaged, and ironed my characters.
I was about replying when I got a notification that I exhausted my data, I wished they sent it earlier!, then I sent Asamoah a text message:
"Data don finish oh guy, please help me arrange a date... I don't want any of the girls from school or church oh!. And when you come, shout well, so my uncle's wife will hear you say, 'Today is a special Xmas Eve hosted by the City of David's Youth! Why you never bath?' Charlie, abeg no fall my hand!! OVER AND OUT!"
Then I dropped my phone, ran to do the chores.
Please, if you are a married woman and you're married to a wealthy man, don't ever treat his siblings/family badly. Please!
Even with my uncle's wife's three sisters, Esther (23), Faith (20), and Abigail (18) around, I still had to do the work, while they behaved like they started from the bottom with my uncle. Hence, the reason I started calling myself the a Houseboy. Definitely not a cool experience, I tell you.
Seeing your uncle being controlled by some woman because her dad is a major contract provider, and ME, that came to enjoy some company money, now being used as a houseboy… Life's not fair.
After the chores, I picked two clothes my uncle gave to me before he traveled. Straight to the backyard to wash the Paul Smith shirt.
"Oh Lord! God bless that tailor!!" I said in my mind as I stood to laugh at the XL on the label right on the reflection of me in the window.
The tailors opposite the estate are my best friends, by the way, to the extent that once they see me at their door, they say, "Uncle don dash you again?" Sometimes, I tell them I don't have money, and they do it free for me (as a confirmed customer).
Let me tell you why I had to wash at the backyard. My uncle's wife caught me washing my clothes in my room and made me starve for days, calling me a village boy.
Which was true, as I spent my first 14 years in the village but I was very well educated and could speak good English.
And so she ordered I start washing my clothes at the backyard, and this faithful day was my very first.
Which marked the end of an era.
Earbuds plugged to my ear with Davido's Funds jamming, I headed to the backyard. Passing the storeroom, I felt like I was shouting because I was singing along to the rave of the moment.
So, I paused my music to test my voice, but what I heard was a soft moan coming from the storeroom.
This was strange! As the storeroom was... ummm, well a storeroom. So, I positioned myself like the way I used to when I wanted to watch Indecency from a neighbor's window.
As I drew closer to the window, the moaning became clearer! Damn, it was just like it was in Indecency.
Since it was a storeroom, it had no curtains, and the window wasn't completely closed. But the sun was rising, and I immediately remembered something about shadows in physics, so I applied physical calmness.
As I tiptoed to the window like a ninja, I saw Abu. Abu was a family friend of my uncle who came to visit earlier in the morning. But I couldn't see the girl he was on due to the small opening on the window.
I tried guessing. This was when I remembered Abigail and Faith went out in the morning while I was washing their sister's car. So, I concluded it was Esther, the eldest of the three sisters.
Still in thoughts, I tiptoed back to where I abandoned my mission: Wash Paul Smith for the party. Standing, biting my nails, and thinking of what Jack Sparrow would have done, I reminisced on things Esther had done to me—treating me like a houseboy, making me eat leftovers, and even insulting my mum and dad… which I hated so much!!!!
Oh my! I was so lost in thought i didn't even realize that I was having a hard-on from the live Indecency I just watched.
I had to position my Lagbaja (penis, dick), very well when I got back to reality. I wasn't going to just leave it like that and so I decided to rub one out quickly.
So, I headed back inside the house, leaving the bucket, soap and the shirt. Straight to the house with my evil thoughts.
In my Calvin Klein boxers, Lagbaja was now semi erect when I entered the house. Behold! I got the shock of the year!!
(Okay, it was December 24th, and it was still the shock of the year at that time.)
I opened the door, looking straight to the direction of my room when someone called from the kitchen wing: "Danladii!!"
At this moment, I was confused. The rate at which Lagbaja inflated couldn't be determined at that moment. All I knew was that if Calvin Klein saw me in those boxers, he would be depressed.
In that split second, I panicked. I looked over my shoulder and, there she was. Esther. Still wearing her nightie, hair all over the place like she'd just rolled out of bed.
I froze. I didn't have an escape plan, it was game over. I stood there, praying to the heavens that God would turn me into an owl—you know, so I could spin my head 360 degrees or vanish from the scene. I'm pretty sure if I stayed here any longer, Esther would see the other me—and it wasn't the kind of introduction I wanted.