I started asking myself after the post-nut clarity hit me. When will I have real sex? When will my hands retire from easing my intimate and immediate urges.
I cleaned myself with a towel while I was still deep in thought. Ofcourse, I took my bath.
To be honest, I was not sexually active, I was
more like the kid that often lied to himself.
"No Sex, it destroys lives". Who was i kidding?
Being a Lone wolf, I often stayed at home fantasizing about sex, how a pussy
will feel around my umm... Maybe my lagbaja.
Lagbaja was a name my ex gave to my Joystick.
She called it that name because I always wore two underwears: Calvin Klein and Swimming pants.
And she never got to see it, she only felt it whenever she touched me.
(For those of youse wondering, Lagbaja is a musician who wears a mask and no one has ever seen his face.)
I got dressed, wearing a casual top and a cargo short. I headed to the kitchen because suddenly felt hungry. My uncle's house was pretty big, it was a Storey building and it had 6 rooms including three sitting rooms, a big kitchen and had enough space to park 6 cars outside.
Getting to the kitchen, I saw Joyce standing near the dining table, she was cooking noodles... I could tell from the aroma in the kitchen.
When she saw me, she suddenly looked uncomfortable, faking a dry smile in the process.
"Good evening, aunty," was all I could muster.
"Evening, Danladi... You want some noodles?" she asked.
What? She was offering me noodles? She actually had the nerve to ask!
"No ma," I replied coldly, keeping my face expressionless as I went to grab bread from the fridge. Glancing outside, I noticed the Honda Accord was still missing. As I headed to the sitting room, I thought, "So Bros Abu really drove off in the car I just washed? Is he mad?"
But then she called out: "Danladi, we need to talk."
I'd seen this before, hadn't I? Yeah—in the movies.
I stood and turned to face her, meeting her eyes directly: "I don't want to hear anything. We don't have anything to discuss!"
I felt powerful in that moment. My uncle would never dare speak to his wife in such a tone. I was basking in this newfound authority when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
"Momma, do you have any Panadol left?" Esther asked Joyce. Joyce was visibly shaky but managed to respond, "You still having the headache?" That was the last I heard as I took my bread and butter spread to the sitting room, fantasizing about blackmailing this wealthy lawyer.
"What if I tell her I want something in return? Or maybe ask for money? Man, Danladi, you've hit the jackpot! You're a real G!" I thought to myself.
Drake's "The Motto" was playing on MTV Base, and I kept repeating "Real Nigga wassup" though I honestly had no idea what Drake was actually saying.
"Danladi! Why do you always stuff bread inside the Butter jar? I told you three days ago that's not how it's done, you village boy," Faith said with a smile.
She'd come downstairs with Esther.
Faith was a X (Formally known as Twitter) personality with about 10k followers, we followed each other and occasionally texted through DMs. But I always got tongue-tied talking to her in person because of her British accent, I tend to stammer when I see cute faces.
"Un... n... n... serious girl," I stammered with a smile.
She seemed unusually friendly, which made me uncomfortable, so I offered her some bread, which she declined.
She seemed friendlier than usual, which made me uncomfortable. Looking up from her phone, Faith broke the silence. "So, Slick Slider's Party at Michael's house?"
I looked up, startled. "How did—"
"Saw it on your mentions," she cut in. "And some of my friends even retweeted the original tweet from the host."
"Oh! Cool, you wanna go?" I managed to ask.
"Yup." She grinned. "I retweeted it as a favor, and Asamoah said he would give me a blind date. Cool, right?"
"Yeah!" I replied, though I secretly fuming inside.
"What time is it though?"
"It's 8 PM till you pass out," I explained, "but if you don't live in VGC, you need to be there before 7:30."
Faith glanced at her phone. "It's 5 PM already, I guess I better get ready..."
I swear I thought she was joking. She left the sitting room and went back the stairs. I rushed through the remaining bread, went out to get the clothes i washed earlier so I could iron them.
It was 7pm and from the look of things, everyone was getting ready to go out. While I was pressing my clothes, Esther gave me a straight skirt to iron for her, with a cute smile of course.
I collected it asap, ironed it twice and headed to her room. Getting to her room, I heard the shower running, Esther was obviously taking a shower and my evil mind started plotting.
I thought about hiding in the wardrobe to watch a live movie, but then I look at the bed on my right, I saw a thong and a rather small bra top.
"Chai! This bra too small for this girl nah" was all I thought, as I was once again sexually excited. In this moment, I heard the shower go off.
Jack Sparrow whispered into my ear "Cut!", immediately I ran out the room with the skirt still in my hands, and Jack Sparrow whispered again.
"Re-run, Action!".
Like some innocent young fella, I burst into the room with the the skirt (Everyone at home knew I don't knock), and behold! There she was, picking up her towel in speed to cover herself, but my eyes were faster than she was, and the towel was fucking too short!
"How many times have I told you to knock before entering? Eh?" She asked with her weak sick-ish voice, still trying to balance the position of the towel.
"Skk.. Sk.. Skirt", was all I said. Again funny how I only stammer when I stand in front of cute creations. She collected the skirt and gave me a killer red eye that had
"Get the fuck out of here, but I like your style" written all over it.
To be honest, I felt this girl was a big girl, she was definitely not in my league, so I wasn't interested in flirting with her, all I wanted to see was her nakedness. It would come in handy for whenever I wanna... Oh! You know what I mean.
Heading back to my room to wear my clothes, thoughts of Esther's body engulfed my mind. She had a pretty big pair of boobs that weren't saggy, I was fortunate enough to see them because of my mischievous plan (Special thanks to Jack Sparrow).
Laying on my bed, I started creating a fantasy. How may hands would feel on her body and what would it feel like to have sex with her.
At this point, I was super Hot, but I couldn't masturbate. Why? Because some genius on a podcast I listened to on Spotify said masturbating twice a day is unhealthy.
So I took a cold shower and I got dressed, I looked in the mirror and l was like "Damn, boy you fine."
I was indeed handsome, I just didn't have the right amount of self-esteem to back it up.
Remember i said I was being treated like an house boy? Yeah, that takes a toll on your confidence overtime.
Anyway, Asamoah called me and told me he was outside the house, i rushed downstairs and saw Asamoah now in the compound with a box that had "Nike" written on it.
Stylishly collecting the box, to my surprise it was still intact, i brought out the Nike Air Force one and put them on, they weren't exactly my size but I was not about to pass up on some free sneakers.
"Oboy! Where the babe nah?", I asked Asamoah with my hands busy tying up the laces of the shoes "Charlie calm down", he answered with a sly smile on his face.
We stepped out the gate and I got my third shock of the day... Faith was sitting in the backseat of the Range Rover Velar Asamoah brought, one of his Dad's cars i figured.
I had no idea that she'd be riding with us, how come I didn't think about that.