chapter 50
Caleb's point of view.
I was wrapped up in my blanket in my bedroom. I hadn't really been outside much since what happened last night. it hurt, it hurt because I hurt him.
it hurt because it all made sense now. Sophie knew everything about me, she knew the right thing to say to make me do exactly what she wanted, I ruined every thing because of... no, it was my fault. I didn't know why I was so scared but I am, I always am.
I wanted to cry so bad but my dads would be able to tell if I did, they had a sixth sense for these kinds of things.
I heard my door open and i turned around to snap at Luka because I'd specifically told him to stay the hell out of my room. but it's not luka, it's Amber.
"uhm... hi" I say to her and she looks me from head to toe.
"well it's good to know you're miserable too" she says and walks over to my desk chair and sits on it.
I sit up in bed and stretch my feet out in front of me. "I hurt him that bad, huh?"
"yeah, you did" she says.
"why aren't you mad at me?" I asked the tears finally brimming in my eyes.
"because Shawn told me what Sophie said to you... we didn't tell Xavier" she just keeps staring at me, like she's waiting for something.
"i... I didn't want to hurt him but I was scared" she sighs and gets off the chair and sits by me on the bed.
"right now, I should be kicking your ass but I think you've done enough of that to yourself and I kind of feel bad for you" she says softly. she slides her fingers into mine and smile. "...Caleb, I don't like you, I never liked the fact that you were going after Vee or anything you did with Vee and the universe knows that the first thought that came to mind after Shawn told me today that you two were dating was a big fat I told you so... bottom line is, I'm not your biggest fan" she sighs. "but you're my Matthew's Jay"
"Matthew's what?" I asked confusedly.
"nevermind, it's an inside joke between me and Vee... I want you to go back to Xavier, I want you to tell him what that bitch said to you and I want you to make him understand how he makes you feel but I also know that you're not okay"
"I'm fin-"
"Caleb, what's your biggest fear?" she asks dropping the topic entirely, or so I thought
"uhm... loosing my family" in a way, it was true I was afraid to lose my family but that wasn't my biggest fear.
"wanna know my biggest fear?" she looks up at the ceiling and continues like I'd said yes. "the dark"
"the dark?"
"yup, I am afraid of the dark" she tries to look at me and she says. "or rather I'm afraid of the sounds I might hear in the dark"
"I don't understa-"
"I'm adopted... my birth family, they weren't so good, we didn't have the best living conditions and they weren't the best people. when it got bad, they weren't able to pay the electricity bill and those times, my mother would go ballistic and scream the roof down and my father would retaliate by beating the shit out of her and the house would be dark and her screams be was all I heard
"she'd be screaming and begging for help... begging me for help and I would sit there frozen... until one day, I got up and jumped out the window and ran to the neighbors... they called nine one one and they saved my mom.
for the longest fucking time, Caleb, I blamed myself... i made it my life's mission to blame myself for every bad thing that happens around me and hate myself for not being able to help. When Xavier's father died there was a part of me that made it my fault—"
"it was not your fau—"
"oh, honey, I know that, now. has vee told you how his dad died?" she asked.
"no"
"well, we went to this party and Vee got all nervous when I left him alone, he called his dad and his dad picked him up and a drunk driver drove into their car on the way back"
"oh shit... that's horrible, I didn't know that" I felt a wave of sadness wash over me, I never knew Xavier's dad but he was important to Vee and he didn't deserve to die that way... no one deserves to die that way.
"yeah, it was... it was fucking horrible" her eyes are filled with tears. "I told myself it was my fault that he died, Caleb, I told myself that I killed him because I invited Xavier to that party... because I left him alone and made him feel nervous"
"but it wasn't your fault, Amber" I reach over and place a hand on her shoulder.
"no" I don't take my hand away because it felt like she was providing more comfort to me than I was to her. "I know that now but do you know what it took"
"what?"
"it's taking me eight years of ongoing therapy to get here, eight years of trying to accept that I wasn't okay and I was going to get there someday" she takes my hand on her shoulder and brings it down between us. "David Anston was that guy In the ensuite, he wouldn't say anything to anyone we didn't approve and we won't approve shit to anyone. he said you looked scared... you did what she said even after you had time to think it through, that's fear Caleb... pure unadulterated fear"
"I'm not scared" I tell her and I know that it's a lie. "I just... I didn't want to go through the hassle of having to explain myself to everyone why I didn't pick anyone and i thought Vee would understand... I wanted to tell him before I did it but he didn't pick up the phone" she let out a soft chuckle
"I hate that you think Vee would have just let you... that's the reason I never liked you, that Vee fit so perfectly in your palm, that Vee would do anything you asked in a heartbeat, that's why i never let myself like you" she let's go of my hand and stands up but she doesn't leave, she returns to her position on the chair and sits on one of her legs. "before you, Vee wasn't that happy but he wasn't this lovesick either and honestly, I would do anything to put that smile he had back on his face even if that means letting myself be friends with you but I can't do that.
"I can't let you back into his life if you're going to keep getting scared and keep running away and keep breaking his heart all over again. Vee Is strong but he's not that strong, no one is that strong. no one is strong enough to watch the love of their life run away from them over and over again... you're going to hurt him, Cal"
"but I don't want to..."
"but you will, you're going to do it over and over and over and over and you're going to break him over and over and over until you'll shatter him into a thousand pieces. and I know Vee, he'll try to make it work, he'll try to fix it, he'll try to fix you and blame himself because he can't and then where would you both be?
"a once bright Vee filled with hate for you and himself and a man child too afraid of his own fucking feelings to admit he needs help" the last part was harsh and I wish she'd stop talking.
"I'm not sc—"
"yes, you fucking are!" she snaps so loudly, I jolt. she stands to her feet. "I didn't say shit about what happened in that pink room to Vee and I never will and neither will Shawn but I will protect my friend and Shawn will too... God!!" she says forcefully. "I should be with Vee, I should be at his place trying to help him but here I am trying to help you... no matter what I say, you're the only one that can help yourself, you're the only one that can get help for you, the first step is admitting that you have a problem" she sighs and her whole body shakes with it.
"Amber, are you okay?"
"no, I'm not, I've had a bad week and you're responsible for a nice chunk of that, not all of it. i want so badly for Xavier to be okay and I know he will be if he has you" she wipes her hand across her eyes. "but he isn't going to because I'm not letting you anywhere near him if you don't help yourself, you are not going to hurt my brother anymore, I will not let you!!"
"but I.. I.. I " I what?!. I couldn't say it. I was too scared to.
"I know you love him, I can see it in the way you look at him but no, he'll get over it, hes strong enough to get over you" she says and immediately leaves the room, slamming the door behind her.
I can hear her feet pound down the stairs and i hear when the front door slam and a car engine start.
I tune the rest of the world out. she was right. there was something wrong with me, I was broken
I need help
I need help
I need help.
I didn't know how I got downstairs but I could here Papis voice and he was asking if something was wrong. yeah, me, I'm wrong. I feel when they both wrap me in a hug and I had to say to, I needed to, I need Xavier back, he's the only thing that made me feel right.
"I.. I..." I was scared, I took a deep breath. well, fuck it, you can still be scared and do it "I... think I need help... I think I need to talk to someone"