chapter 46
"... Sophie Cheng" Caleb Keller, the person i was so fucking in love with, says the name of the person he's picked to the entire party and everyone bjrst out clapping and cheers.
when i was fifteen i called my dad to come pick me up at a party because i couldn't see Amber anymore and my social battery wad conpletely drained. he'd picked up on the first ring and told me he'd be their in twentyeven though i hadn't said anything to him. he pick me up in sixteen, took me to get some pretty gross gas station sushi and just a few mile from our home drove right into a drunk fifty eight year old man named Joseph Garfield
when i woke up i could feel his hand around my chest, stretched across the car controls and over me.
a few second ago we were talking about terrible sushi and nasty fish and now, there was a blood arm around me that belong to the person i loved most in the entire planet. i couldn't breath and all i could hear was this loud ring in my ear.
That's what i heard right now. i couldn't here the clapping and the cheering all i could here was the ringing in my ear... i couldn't breath. "keys" was all i said to amber and she passed them over to me.
"I'll com-"
"no" i cut her off and made my way out of the party and to the parking lot. i pressed the remote on the keys so i could find Ambers car. it beeped and i walked towards it. As I'm walking i hear footsteps running behind me, i just know it's him, so, i run toward the car but in my fit to unlock it, he catxhes up to me.
"Can we please talk?" he says behind me, shocking the life out of me and the keys out of my hand.
"Go away, Caleb" i say bending down to pick up the keys but he beats me to it. i had to turn and look at him.
"please don't run from me, Xavier" i fight the urge to melt when he says my name and look him in the eye.
"my Keys" i can hear the keys jingle as he clenches them in his fist. "i need to go home, Caleb, give me my keys."
"i don't like it when you call me Caleb, you know that" he says. he didn't have a right to ask anything from me.
"Caleb" i say anger finding its way into my voice. how dare he pretend like every thing is alright when it fucking not?.
he sighs and reaches for me but I smack his hand away "i told you i couldn't pick you" he says, his face softening. "I'm not ready for that"
"i don't care, Caleb... i want to go home" i say and reach for the keys but he takes them away from my reach. "you really want to do this?"
"just talk to me" he begs
"fine, let's talk!!" i scream at him. "you knew you would do this to me, yet you treated me like your whole world revolved around me, you brought me gifts, kissed me, you fucked me, you asked me to be your goddamn boyfriend!!!" I smack his chest as hard a I could. "then you go ahead and pick her after telling me you wouldnt pick anyone because you didn't like any of them but m-"
"but I told you i wouldn't pick anyone but Sophie likes me an-"
"and you can't hurt her feelings because she's your best friend... isn't that what you were going to say?" I asked him and my tone was condescending because i wanted it to be
"yeah... you know i couldn't pick yo-"
"you can but you're scared and that's all fine and fucking dandy but you don't go behind my back and fucking do shit you know with hurt me..." I shivered because it was cold outside. "you lied to me, Caleb... you made me think i was special to you-"
"you are special to me"
"well this is a hell of a way to show me!!!!" i yell in his face. his eyes beg me to listen and no matter what I said or did, I loved him and I'd give him a chance.
"Xavier, I'm not like you... I'm not confident like you, nor am i fearless... I've spent a good part of my life being punished because my parent are gay... i have a choice here, i could be with a girl, have a normal relationship, i can live without fear of being hated and harassed because i love some that people think i shouldn't " he says and it hits me.
"you're scared of what people think" I take a shaky breath so I wouldn't cry. "okay... it's okay, I get it, we're all scared of people hating us but I'm not confident, I am definitely not fearless, if anything I'm fucking terrified... I'm terrified of people calling me a fag, I'm terrified of people finding out we're together, I'm terrified that I'm wrong and that my dad isn't happy with me being me" the tears burn my eyes. "but I'm not really scared anymore... because my biggest fear just came true"
"Vee.." his words trail off as i take his hand amd open his palm, sliding my key out of them. i could feel it when the first tear slipped.
"I'm glad, you know" I choke the words out.
"what?" he asks stepping in close to me trying to hold me, trying to make the pain go away. he fucking put it there and and I wanted him to fucking watch it burn. i put my hand between us so he couldn't come any closer.
"i glad you broke my heart before i had the chance to fall in love with you" i say smiling at him, crying because my heart was breaking. but I needed to do this. "i get that you're scared but you don't get to do this to me.
you don't get to be my first kiss, my first time and my first love... you don't get to treat me like I'm everything... " I son shakes me and I nearly burst into fresh tears. I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this... "you don't get to treat me like I'm everything to you and shatter me like I'm nothing... don't touch me!" i scream as he reaches for me. "you don't get to be all my firsts" I hug myself as I sob. "I'm so fucking glad you broke my heart. I'm so fucking glad I'm not in love with you" i love him... i love him so much that can't breath
"Xavier, please just take a breath" he tries to touch me again but i step away from him and unlock the car.
"I hate you... I hate you so much..." I hate that I love you, I hate that I'll always love you.
"you don't mean that..." tears bloom in his eyes... I put that there. I final under stood how Caleb felt when he saw me cry, I finally understood the reason he always says that he hated it when I cried. I wanted to wipe his tears away and make it all better.
I didn't. "i fucking mean it, Keller" the words were so hard to say. "we shouldn't have done this, I should have stayed away from you... maybe of I did, i would have been with shawn right now... maybe all these feelings i have for you, i would have had for him... maybe i would have even loved him" if I was given the choice to go through this all over again, I would have because be every moment before today that I'd spent with Caleb made me happy as hell. " but that's never going to happen because we were both selfish idiots, you even more than me" i got in the car and slammed the door harder than I meant to
"Vee, wait-" he says right before I slam the door.
I push the button for the window and it slides down "on monday, don't speak to me at school, don't come near me and don't you dare ask amber to talk to me..." I muster up the energy to smile. "now, kindly fuck off, Caleb Keller" i say and drive out of the lot... leaving the boy i love staring behind me.
my smile falls almost immediately and I cried. icouldn't stop crying, the tears kept flowing and flowing, my eyes were blurred with them and i couldn't see where i was going so i swerved a little too hard and fast to the curb.
i was about to put my head against the steering wheel and cry my soul out but I was cut off by the knock on the window. I looked up and there was a police officer by my window, was I speeding?... I think I was.
I wound down the windows. "sir... are you aware you were speeding?"
"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to, I was just..." I could feel the tear behind my eye socket about to come springing forward. "I'm sorry"
"kid, you're crying, is everything alright?" he asks as he sees my eyes properly.
"I'm fine... " I say as a tear slips from my eyes. "I'm fine, sir"
"you don't look fine kid, is everything alright at home?" he asks and I laugh tears still streaming down my face.
"my mother would sooner chop off both her arms than hit us" I sniff and wipe my eyes. "I'm crying because a boy I've been in love with who I thought was in love with me just dumped me for a girl, so... yeah" I say and he smiles.
"that sucks, kid but there's plenty of gay fish in the sea" he say and for once since Caleb choose Sophie, I smile... I really smile
"i want him to want this gay fish" I mutter softly.
"tell you what... get out of the car and I'll drop you off at home in mine. I'll come back and drop your car off tommorow. you don't look like you'll be safe driving and since you're underage, I'm as responsible for you as your parent and/or gaurdian" he says and I look at him. "unless, you feel safer driving home at... " he looks at his watch. "nearly one in the morning, while you're crying"
"the first option sounds nice. you'll get the car back to me in one piece?" I was a bit skeptical about leaving the car with a man I didn't know
"the same way you left it, here" he says pointing at his badge. "take my badge number if you don't trust me" his kind eyes and welcoming auro reminded me so much of my dad. I got of the car.
"okay" I say and lock the car, handing him the keys. "but if you dare steal my best friend's car, I will hunt you to the ends of the Earth and I'll destroy you and everything you love" I tell him.
"woah, Nelly." he chuckles to himself and his eyes brighten. "we'll have to watch out for you in the near future" he mutters, he starts walking towards the car and I walk behind me, pulling my phone out of my pocket. there were four missed calls from Amber, three from Shawn and twenty two from Caleb. I lock the car as i got into the police car and texted Amber.
"I'm fine, I just need to be alone right now, I love you" I text Amber.
I text "fuck off" to Caleb and tell the nice officer my address
I ignore the rest of the calls and texts and close my eyes as mister police man drives me home.