[chapter 18. Guilt]
trigger warning: self-harm
The nightmare comes in visual puns and communicating in metaphor as the creative dreaming brain does, offering suggestions and seeking answers in return. For what is the dream but a form of internal communication?
Selena was sleeping in her bed, silently whimpering and thrashing around. She was experiencing another flashback. Her hands flew to her neck, her finger curling around her windpipe, pressing it down.
"S-Stop," she cried, her strain on the neck increasing as she thrashed in her bed, tears of memories cascading down her pale face. She choked a sob and whimpered.
"Help," she begged, her voice breaking as she called, hoping someone could bring her out of the dark room. It was cold and dreary. She wanted warmth. Her body loosened when she felt warmth engulf her. She relaxed into those arms, but they slowly rose, grabbing her throat.
"Shush, my favorite doll. Be a good girl for me," the voice crooned, their grip on her neck increasing as Selena found it hard to breathe. She could feel hands roam all over her body. Her skin crawled. "Save m-me," she whimpered.
No one can save you, other than yourself, the voice cooed in her mind. You save yourself. No one else can rescue you from the demons that haunt your nights.
"Ha," Selena jolted her eyes open; her chest heaved up and down as she desperately gasped for air. Her grip on her throat loosened.
At that very moment, Selena sat upright in bed and let out a long gasp of air before letting out a series of sobs. She turned on the light in her room and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.
Your pain, your memory of it, is like a teddy bear made of glass shards: the more you cling to it, the deeper it will cut. So rehearse, placing it down for prolonged periods and noticing when you pick it up, and it slices at your skin.
But then, why did she like the pain?
Why did she feel she deserved the feeling of cuts on her skin?
The wounds had formed over the years from a life of abuse and pain inflicted upon her by those who should have loved her and protected her but instead used her for their sadistic pleasures.
The more they tormented her with their words, the angrier she became. It maimed her soul until she finally broke. She felt so much that one day she stopped feeling.
She began to pace around the room, mumbling to herself. She paused for a moment to look at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and bloodshot. Her hair was a tangled mess and she was covered in her nightmare like a fragile doll.
She felt dizzy and lightheaded. As tears continued streaming down her face, she felt relief knowing she wasn't alone in this darkness- the voices accompanied her. They crooned softly, comforting her.
She ran her hands through her messy hair and entered the bathroom, letting the scorching hot water run all over her skin. She wanted to wash away her pain and cleanse her soul so she could be the person she had always wanted.
Selena's nails dug into her arms as she roughly ran them on her skin. Harshly she kept rubbing. It felt good. The pain was a distraction from the thoughts racing through her mind and she welcomed it.
A familiar voice in her mind told her to stop but she ignored it and continued to gouge at her skin with her fingernails. As the blood ran down her wrists and dripped onto the floor, she looked down at her hands and felt the pain more intensely than before.
At that moment, she knew that she had made a terrible mistake. As she wiped the blood off her skin with a wet towel, she noticed that her hand looked different.
Selena felt like shit. She needed to stop thinking about her past. She had to move past all the awful things that had happened to her and this seemed like the best solution.
She had to cut herself to let some steam off. Her eyes darted to sink where she had hidden another blade. Her breath quickened as she grabbed the knife and rolled it over her thighs.
A place where no one could see her art.
It was an exhilarating sensation to feel warm blood coursing through her veins. She was finally venting her frustration at a situation she couldn't control, and she was doing so in the only way she knew how: by injuring herself.
As she held the knife to her wrist she felt so in control and Selena loved control. Everything had gone quiet in her mind and the world around her seemed to fade away. This was how she dealt with her pain, the only way she knew how.
She wiped her arms and thighs off and put on some bandages before wearing an oversized hoodie that covered all the scars. She knew that she probably looked a bit dodgy in her outfit but she needed to hide the truth from the rest of the world.
Selena didn't want to burden anyone else with her problems. She had to learn to deal with them on her own if she ever wanted to make a better life for herself. Her family could never know, no one was allowed to see her vulnerable or they would use it against her as they did in her past.
She gave her trust too easily and they ruined her for that. Selena had felt so betrayed by them. But after all that she had gone through, she could never let someone else get close to her again. The only way she could save herself was to live her life alone and to stay away from everyone that had let her down in the past.
She walked downstairs to be greeted by some servants as she made her way to the kitchen. It was 4:30 in the morning. No one had been awake in the house for hours, except her. So she decided to make her breakfast alone while she waited for everyone else to wake up.
She was exhausted after cutting herself and wished she could sleep so she could heal properly. But that monster would come back to haunt her if she slept, so she should stay awake. That way, the monster wouldn't have power over her and she wouldn't have to feel guilty about what she'd done.
She knew she was a bad girl. Selena had done many things she shouldn't have done in the past, but she had to survive, and she knew she didn't deserve happiness—but just a little... peace.
She was tired.
It was early in the morning and another sleepless night had passed. Lazily Selena went down to the kitchen, surprised to see her brother Maxim making pancakes. Without saying anything to her, he started pouring batter into a pan. Maxim then turned and looked at her.
"Would you like some pancakes?" he asked.
"Uh no thanks," she said a little too enthusiastically which caught Maxim's attention Selena sighed she was in so much trouble.
There was a long silence between them as Selena grabbed an apple and sat down at the kitchen table; Maxim sat opposite her.
Maxim asked his sister if she had slept. She had dark circles under her eyes and didn't look properly rested. "Yeah..." she replied quietly.
"I was too scared to close my eyes. I saw a horror movie last night." She didn't want to worry him so she kept quiet about her nightmares and the traumas. Plus, lying was second nature to her.
"Then do you want to go somewhere to relax," he grunted. Then frowning, surprised that he had said a complete sentence. Selena raised an eyebrow at his words. Why not? She nodded.
She had already manipulated every member of the family. Let's leave Samuel out of this. But the child was useless, so she let him go. It was time she manipulated Maxim Mariano into acting as her protective brother while benefiting herself.
Her mind scoffed. Sure, it purred.
Are you trying to manipulate them or yourself? To avoid feeling guilty about allowing someone into your life, you pretend it's all a ruse.
Selena rolled her eyes.
Her subconscious was stupid. It keeps spouting bullshit.
"Then let's have breakfast over there," he grumbled. "Do you want to change," he offered. Selena looked at her clothes that she had 'borrowed' from Hayate without his permission. The hoodie was two sizes larger than hers but it was comfortable.
Why were the clothes made for men ten times comfier?
"Nah, I am all good," she shrugged.
Selena looked at Garold. He was going to escort them.
---
The decor was intricate and extravagant. Velvet sofas with golden tassels scattered on the polished wood floors and fine Persian rugs draped on the walls. The walls got covered in tapestries of the finest weaves and fabrics.
It was a magnificent large house, with high ceilings and large windows that let most of the light inside. The hallways were long and spacious, and the rooms had rich wooden furniture. The music house had a small stage, surrounded by red sofas where performers would play music. There were also rooms for ballroom dancing. Everything was decorated meticulously down to the last detail.
"You are so humble," Selena deadpanned. Garold stifled a laugh at her dry comment. Mariano's were born bougie; Maxim was no exception.
Maxim scowled at her words.
"It's called Retro," he explained. His eyes widened; he'd been talking a lot today. He was surprised that he was already allowing his little sister to be here in a place where he kept his secrets hidden.
"It's my safe place and now... even yours."
Selena looked up at him. His words strung a part of her heart. Her chest clenched- why did manipulating him bring her guilt?
~~~~
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