[ Friday, September 16 ]
It's been two months since I came to Edevieth. It felt all weird at first to be here because the life that I used to have was way too different from how things are in this place. I didn't find it hard to adjust, but I'd be lying if I'll say that the life here is perfect.
Anyway, nothing is perfect in this world. Wherever you go, there'll always be advantages and disadvantages. If I'll be here for a few more months, I'm more than sure that I'll completely forget how the city life runs.
In an island like this, things felt so peaceful. I don't have a phone that won't stop ringing, paper works, endless meetings and a sister who secretly bugs my fiancé. Here, time felt slow. I never imagined that being in a place away from the city would make me feel like time isn't running. Back in the city, a day seems to be so short and not enough to do all the work. Here, a day felt like a two or three.
Edevieth isn't as bad as some people said. The ruins of yesterday can all be seen – unlivable and destroyed houses, abandoned areas – whenever I walk to the area that used to be a town, the silence had always been deafening, for there are no longer any signs of life.
But the bright side is, little by little, the survivors managed to build their shelter even if it's just small. Small, but fair enough for it to be called as home. I just find it sad that so many people have lost everything, and I can't do anything else aside from emotional support. The kids in Shawn's house … they may be cheerful and lovable, at least most of them, but they certainly need education for them to be ready for what the future has to offer.
Currently, Edevieth only has small houses, a small market, and a small church. They don't even have a fire station, school, hospitals, or any other places that can help the people live a normal life. I used to be a girl who pretty much had everything. But just like the people here, I've lost it.
I've lost everything – those things that matter to me, and I can't imagine having it back. Probably not. But still, some questions are left in my mind: Are they looking for me? How is Vaughn right now? My family? The Crown? Knowing my dad, he probably runs the business well, for it is what matters the most to him, I believe. How about mom? Is Sasha happy now that I'm out of the picture? I want to believe that she learned her lesson, that at least she realized how it's like to ruin a life.
How I wish.
I squeezed my eyes shut, stopping my tears from falling. It's still painful. I don't even know what I'm really feeling. I still love Vaughn – I know I do. But the trust is broken. I can't even imagine facing him again. Even if I will, I don't think I can manage to be on my best behavior.
"Amethyst? You awake already?" Shawn asked while knocking on the door. I sat on my bed and rubbed my eyes. "Yes, I just woke up," I looked at the clock on the bedside table and my eyes widened as I see the time. 10:14 am? I can't believe that I overslept. Since when did my body clock change? The normal waking up time for me is 6:45 am. It's not like I did something exhausting yesterday to be this tired.
"Can I enter?" he asked and I stood up to open the door.
"What's up?" I blinked. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds, an awkward silence between the two of us. I don't know why things would feel this awkward because as far as I know, we're already used to each other's existence.
"I just want to ask you … well, I can't say I'm going to ask you out because you might get the wrong idea. If you won't mind, I'd like to talk to you before sunset. You know, just the two of us at the beach? You see, you've been here for two months and if you wouldn't mind, I just want to know what really happened back in the capital."
My heart sank as I hear his request. Earlier I was thinking about those, now, it's like I have to face the reality that I need to tell them about it. The truth is, the longer it takes me to speak, the better I feel. However, no secret can be kept forever.
I tried to smile, even though I know how fake it is. "Sure, of course. You deserve to know it." I nodded and looked down.
Shawn ran his fingers through his hair. "Good," he sighed and looked away. "Agatha and Laura were fighting earlier. Aside from asking you for a walk, I'd ask for a favor if you can help me handle those two. I'm pretty good at teaching kids, but when it comes to handling fights, I can be bad."
"Right, I'll see what I can do."
Shawn headed to the kitchen to help his mother to cook lunch. On the other hand, I headed to the living room where Agatha is, together with Yuna. I sat on the couch between Yuna and Agatha.
Honestly, handling kids isn't my specialty, because I never experienced taking care of one, but only now. I don't really know what to do if my future kids would have issues like this.
"So, what happened?" I asked, looking at Yuna who's staring at nowhere. "Yuna," I called and cupped her cheek. "What happened between Agatha and Laura?" I repeated.
Yuna managed to get back to her senses. "Huh?" she looked at me, puzzled, trying to figure out what's going on.
"I've been calling your name for the past minute," I explained. "Are you okay?"
Yuna closed her eyes, trying to compose herself.
"You have?" she looked away, but I can still see her facial expression. "It's just painful, miss Amethyst," she began, her voice shaking. "You see, I didn't grow up in a rich family. For the record, none of us kids here did. But even if it sounds childish and stupid, we just found Laura's words offensive. Laura's just 6, but she spoke ugly words that made my sister Agatha cry. I was offended too, but I'm already 14 so I somehow know how to handle my emotions."
"What did Laura say?"
"She reminded us about our parents, about how they looked like when we found their corpses …" Yuna sighed. "It's not exactly offensive, but it's a taboo. We want to forget, yet she still reminded us of it. It's just painful for the two of us. All of us kids are sleeping in one room, but with the thought that Laura, me and my sister aren't in good terms, it'll be hard."
I paused for a while to think about what she said. As a matter of fact, it's not a serious issue, but if I'll put herself in their shoes – being reminded about the loss can be painful. I can still picture how Vaughn and Sasha looked like in my head. The idea alone is painful, what more that I can still imagine it?
"Look, I know how it's like to lose someone close to my heart," I took a breath, holding myself back from crying again. "It's not a happy story and in fact, it's painful. But when they're gone, all I can say is, acceptance is the key to freedom. In your case, even if it's painful, you have to accept the truth that they're gone. Be thankful that they've been a part of your life, but do not dwell on the past because it'll keep on hurting you again and again. In my case, the person is still alive, so I can still mend things if I want to. But that doesn't matter. If I'll ask you, do you love Laura? What will you answer?"
Yuna couldn't look at my eyes, she only looked down at our feet. I'm not going to force her to answer if she doesn't want to, but I can't let this day end without seeing them friends again. I faced Agatha this time, who just stopped crying. I wiped her tears away and hugged her.
"It's going to be fine," I whispered. "Stop crying, okay? We'll fix this." Agatha pulled away and looked at me, her eyes all innocent.
"Laura and you used to be friends, right? You two played and tell each other stories." Agatha nodded, out of words.
"If you'll keep your anger towards her, you both will just be frustrated. It's hard to be with someone you're mad at, especially because all of you are living under one roof. Tell me, do you love her as a friend?"
"I don't know. I think I hate her now." Agatha answered. "I'm mad at her." "It's okay to be mad, you have the right. But if you'll keep all the anger in your heart, you won't be free from that feeling.
Laura hasn't apologized yet but learn to forgive. Nobody in this world is perfect. Every one of us does mistakes, whether intentional or unintentional. I'll talk to Laura about this. We can't let this day pass without fixing it." I looked back to Yuna, but she remained silent. I can't blame her. She's probably processing things and the two of them might need a little space. "I'll see what I can do to talk to Laura."
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The clock struck at 5 pm, the cue for Shawn and me to go to the beach to talk about serious matters. I looked around the house to see if he's around. There were no signs of him, so I suppose he's already at the beach.
Come to think of it, what will this be about? He said it already. He wants to know what happened back in the capital. It's going to be about Vaughn and Sasha again, and again, and again. How many times do I have to hear their names?
As I arrived the seashore, I found Shawn sitting on the seashore, staring at nowhere. I can tell how deep his thoughts are. Sometimes, I'm curious about what his life story is, but as much as I wanted to ask, I'm more than sure that he'll ask me about my life story so I decided not to ask. But now that I'm here to say it, I might know his story, too.
I sat next to him and folded my legs in front of me. Without any word in mind, I decided not to break the ice. It's not like I even know how to start.
"You came," Shawn began. "Like I've said, I'd like to hear everything. I can imagine how dramatic it can be, so I'm just saying … cry, if you want to. I won't judge you or tell anyone about it."
I have no idea what to say. I haven't told anyone about my problem and he's the first person who'll know about everything. What's funny is this – I feel like my heart is going to burst when I start confessing everything – every detail of the pain that's kept deep inside my heart.
"Are you depressed?" Shawn asked while looking at me. I looked at him, my mouth threw open in shock.
"What? No! I'm not depressed!" I denied, and as soon as I mentioned the last word, tears began falling from my eyes. I wiped them and I sniffed. "What the heck? I didn't know that I'll cry this fast."
Shawn folded his legs like mine. He put his arms on his knees and leaned his chin on it. He looked down as he reminisces, but he didn't react on my stupid response.
"Trust me, I know girls … at least at some point. They say the opposite when they're emotional. My girlfriend said, she doesn't want to see me anymore, but I can see from her eyes saying that she wants me to stay. Actually, I don't know if she's still my girlfriend. It's complicated," he cleared his throat and looked at me again. "Enough about me. Let's focus on you."
How I wish I know the full story. I have to, after me. I heaved a breath before I explain my dramas.
"Ever since I got here, I've been happy. I felt free. You see me every day. I enjoy being with the kids and nature. It felt like home, but even if you see me happy, behind all those smiles are buckets of tears," I squeezed my eyes shut as I avoided some eye contact. My knuckles were shaking and my hands and feet feel cold, yet, my head and cheeks feel hot. "I realized that I'm just running away from my problems, but it doesn't solve anything."
"I can tell. When you told me that you want to come with me even if I'm a stranger, I already saw how desperate you were to run away from your problems. But at least, you realized those already. So, what happened?" he asked in monotone.
"Before the accident happened, I was at home and it was my mother's birthday party. After greeting my older sister, I walked to the garden to find my fiancé, Vaughn. When I found him, my younger sister, Sasha was ranting and confessing to him, then she kissed him. I felt betrayed, you know? Because Vaughn never told me that Sasha's into him. A few weeks ago before that night,
Vaughn and I already fought because of Sasha and I ignored him for like a week. We fixed it, but then, that night happened. I was so devastated. My heart was shattered into pieces. I no longer know what to say or what to do, so I just ran away with my car without any direction. I was crying and things aren't that clear because it was also raining. Then yeah, when I saw a car on the opposite side of the road, I realized I wasn't in my lane so I turned my wheel away from the approaching car. But since I couldn't think straight, I didn't realize that it was too much, so the accident happened." It felt so good after I said all those things. It felt like half of the weight of my burden's gone, but I can't say that I'm okay.
Shawn looked at me and I see the worry in his eyes. But even though I cried even more and stuttered while saying all those, he didn't bother to comfort me at least by patting my back or whatnot. It could've helped, but I guess he still knows his limit, which I understand.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea," he commented. From the corner of my eye, I see him looking at me, but I couldn't afford to look at him because I can imagine myself crying even more. I can't even breathe properly. How I hate the fact that I cry like a human faucet.
"It's okay. I didn't tell you anything so obviously, you wouldn't know unless I'll tell. Every night before going to sleep, I can picture the last scenario, you know? I get happy whenever I'm with you people. But whenever I'm alone, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I kept on telling myself that I should move on but I couldn't. I don't even know where to start."
"Forgiveness is the key to begin healing," Shawn advised. I looked at him, waiting for him to add more explanation. "You won't be free from the anger in your heart if you'll keep on thinking about them and hating them. It hurts, yes, and forgiving is easier said than done. However, it's the only way. If you won't forgive someone, you'll continue hurting yourself. Some people don't deserve forgiveness, especially if they apologized and repeat doing the same thing. You mentioned that he's your fiancé. As far as I know, love doesn't keep records of wrongs. The choice is in your hands, Amethyst. If you'll choose to forgive and forget, go back to them and talk about things … it'll ease the pain. I'm not saying that I want you gone, I'm just saying what I believe is right. On the other hand, you can stay here, forgive and forget. However, without trying to mend things and make things clear to the guy and your sister, it won't change anything. The past will keep on hunting you. Either you'll be proactive or reactive. Moreover, did you even hear Vaughn's explanation? There can be things that you didn't know about him. You should know his side,"
My lips began curving down, and I feel my eyebrows furrowing. Deep inside, my blood boils, and I feel like I'm a volcano that can erupt any minute from now. But he was right, and it's the first time I realized that I didn't even give him a chance to explain. "How can I forgive someone who took everything away from me? They destroyed my life. Like you've said, it's easier said than done."
"I know it's hard. But if you have a better solution that can think of, I'd love to hear it. I'm just trying to help. Just imagine how God feels whenever he sees his people sinning repeatedly. Billions of people do the things against his laws. If I were him, I must've felt drained and discouraged to forgive. But what? Whoever prays and admits that they have sinned are forgiven. As long as a man lives in this world, they'll continue doing mistakes, so is your fiancé and sister. If love is greater than hate, you can always forgive and won't keep a record of wrongs. Let me ask, do you love your fiancé and sister? Or at least care for them?"
I hid my face with my hair as I look down. "I no longer understand what I feel, and that's the problem," I answered.
"If God forgives because of love, who are you to keep grudges to people who aren't perfect?"
Now it all made sense. Earlier, I said the same thing to Laura and Agatha. How can I forget my own advice? How can I not apply my own advice to myself? But then again, I feel like a hypocrite for telling them something that I don't do myself.