SCARS TO HEAL

SCARS TO HEAL

SOLELY WRITTEN BY EWATOMI ABIODUN

EPISODE 1

I gripped my bedspread tightly as my head shake vigorously side by side as everything keeps coming back in a flash.

𝘽𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙! 𝘽𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙!! 𝘽𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙!!!

𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙢𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙.

𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙫𝙤𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙄 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩.

𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨! 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜!

𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙖 𝙥𝙞𝙚𝙘𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩.

𝙄 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙝 𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙞𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙡𝙚𝙚𝙥.

𝘽𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙨𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙘𝙧𝙤𝙨𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙡.

𝙋𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚! 𝙋𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚!! 𝙋𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚!!! 𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙗𝙚𝙜𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙄'𝙢 𝙨𝙤 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮. 𝙄 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙚 𝙄 𝙬𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣.

𝙏𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙨 𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙠𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙙𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙖𝙨 𝙄 𝙩𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙤𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙡𝙞𝙥𝙨.

𝘿𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣?

𝘼𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙢𝙚! 𝙃𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙚.

𝙔𝙚𝙨! 𝙔𝙚𝙨, 𝙄 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙚 𝙄 𝙬𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙞𝙩 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣. 𝙄 𝙣𝙤𝙙𝙙𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙮 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙝𝙤𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙝𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙄 𝙖𝙢.

𝙃𝙚 𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙡𝙮 𝙢𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙨 𝙢𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙬 𝙞𝙩𝙨 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙤𝙧 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙄 𝙢𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙙 𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙮 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙝𝙞𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙡.

𝙃𝙚 𝙜𝙧𝙞𝙥𝙨 𝙖 𝙛𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙮 𝙝𝙖𝙞𝙧 𝙩𝙤 𝙥𝙪𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙚 𝙪𝙥.

𝘿𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪?

𝙐𝙝𝙢? (𝙎𝙡𝙖𝙥𝙨)

𝙄 𝙤𝙬𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙄 𝙤𝙬𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙤𝙙𝙮. 

𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙚!

𝙄 𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙡𝙪𝙛𝙛 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚.

𝙂𝙤 𝙖𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙.

𝙎𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢!

𝙎𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙩!

𝙃𝙚 𝙣𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚𝙨 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙨 𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙪𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙙.

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙮 𝙘𝙡𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙨 𝙧𝙞𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙝𝙞𝙢 𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙚𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙖𝙨 𝙄 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙝𝙞𝙢 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚.

( 𝙈𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙚𝙫𝙤𝙪𝙨 𝙡𝙖𝙪𝙜𝙝) 𝙄 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙨𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙣𝙤 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚 𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪.

𝙉𝙤 𝙤𝙣𝙚 !!!!!!!

I jumped awake as tears ran down my cheeks with sweat dripping off my body as if I was drenched in water shaking as my heart pounded.  This was the one memory that I could give anything not to remember. The sound of my erratic breath and digital alarm mixed filled the room. My bedspread was saturated in a cold sweat.  I scanned my room as a feeling of fear gnawed at my mind.

As the fear starts fading away with the reality that it was just a dream, I glanced at my alarm clock which says 3:00 am. I feel so tired and drained as I slowly slipped out of my bed into the bathroom.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I saw nothing but a shell looking back at me. I just wished I could forget it. I wished I could be able to erase his face from my head. I wish I could .... My lips trembled as a loud sob burst free from me, and it shook my whole body as tears graced my cheeks.

Everything suddenly becomes dark.

Please make it stop.

I shake my head as my eyes shut involuntary. I gripped the sink base to hold my balance from falling.

Tears trickled down my eyes.

Make it stop! Please!

I screamed out as I covered my ears with my palms trying to shut down the noise in my head.

Suddenly, the noise died down as I slowly removed my hands from my ears. 

I looked at myself in the mirror as I  laughed hysterically at my reflection and hit my hand on the mirror continuously, I punched it until blood became present on my knuckles and the mirror shattered into pieces on the floor.

Blood trickled down my hand as the broken mirror pierced into my flesh. I wasn't satisfied as I keep shaking vigorously. I bend down and picked one of the pieces of the shattered glass and cut another line on my wrist and another blood spilled out of it as my body became to calm down.

I sat on the toilet seat with my head on the flush tank as blood keeps oozing out of my wrist onto the titled floor.  After some while, I stand up and took the first aid box which was under the sink, and dressed my wrist as I bandage it and clear off the shattered glass on the floor and trash it.

I dropped the first aid box at its normal spot and rise as I  open the tap and splash the running water on my face and start brushing my teeth as if nothing happened earlier.  I took my time in the bathtub as I scrubbed my body with my favorite shower gel and get out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around my chest. 

I glanced up at the wall clock which says exactly 6:00 am. I  removed the cold bedspread on my bed and dump it into the laundry basket as I replaced it with a new one. I sat at the edge of my bed as I slowly loosened the towel and starts rubbing cream on my body.

I put on matching black underwear after I was done with my morning skincare routine and walked towards my closet and pick out a short navy blue blazer dress with a sliver heel and a black handbag that had shiny silver sequins to match. I wore my dress and sat down in front of my dressing table as I applied my make-up and wore silver earrings and a necklace.

At exactly 7 am, I was ready for work.  I carried my handbag and slung it over my shoulder then pick my car key with my sunshade which was lying on the dressing table and headed out.

******************************

" I'm tired of having the same nightmare over and over again. I dreaded every night because I know I'm going to have the same nightmare again. Please make it stop " I said as I broke down in front of my therapist.

" Amyra, I wish I could help you but I can only do that if you open up to me ".

" No. noo... " I shake my head negatively as tears pour down my eyes.

" I don't want to relive that ".

" I understand how painful it's to relive those memories you don't want to remember but at the same time holding on to them won't do you any good. Just look at you, is been over five years since you have been taking anti-depressant drugs, and coming for therapy yet we are not anywhere close to your healing journey. You can't heal if you don't open up and face your fear".

Now I am getting tired of her repeating the same sentence over and over again.

Can't she make it stop without me having to tell her anything?

Amyra! Amyra!! Amyra!!!

I was jolted out of my thought by my therapist.

" Are you with me ?"  She asked her eyes filled with concern.

" I think I should start going. Thanks for today" I said and put on my sunshade and left despite how she kept calling my name.

I walked back into my car and slammed my fist on the steering as I cried. I want to heal. I want to live a normal life. I want to be okay. I want to be a normal person.

I wanted to but that nightmare keeps dragging me back to the past.

I am destroyed.

I don't think I can be normal again.

After some minutes, I wiped my tears and reapply my makeup and applied a red matte lipstick on my lips then start the car engine and maneuver out of the premises.

*****************************************

I finally arrived in front of my company's building. I parked my car and turn off the engine. I picked up my handbag and opened it as I brought out my favorite mint bubble gum. I unwrapped it and put it inside my mouth as I chewed it.  I  zipped my handbag and put on my sunshade.

They will never know I am not normal. I said to myself as I check myself out in the rear mirror smiling at myself.

I step out of my car and begin walking into the building with my head high up and I smile to myself as I receive the same attention every time.

Good morning Ma!

Good morning Ma!!!

Every staff who came across me kept greetings me with that honorific.

I swayed my hip as I walk towards my office.

" Good morning Ma" My pregnant secretary quickly stand on her feet to greet me. 

"Good morning Vivian, what's my schedule today?" I ask as I head towards my office.

" Ma! "

" Yes, Vivian," I said as I stopped on my track to look at her my hand on the door handle.

" You.. your...." She stuttered as her chest rise up and down.

Vivian has been working with me for the past three years and I must say she has known me like the back of her palms. It's so sad she will soon be leaving after she puts to bed and I doubt if I will be able to find someone like her. It sucks thinking about it already.

I quickly waved the thought away.

I smiled at her hoping it will calm her down. " It's okay Vivian, you can tell me whatever it's . I can assure you I am in a good mood today ".

" She's inside".

" Who's inside ?"

" Your mum".

My smile quickly fades.

" I'm so sorry ma, I tried to ....." I didn't wait for her to complete her sentence as I dash into my office as my blood boils.

" What are you doing here ?" I roared at her not caring she's my birth mother because that's what she is. Not a mother!

She stands on her feet. "Amyra..."

I cut her sentence short.

" Please leave" I tried to sound polite.

" Amyra....."

" Please leave now while I am still nice " I roared at her as I open the door for her.

She walked slowly to the door her eyes not leaving me.

I walked towards my desk as I wait for her to get rid of herself. I removed my sunshade and placed it gently on the desk.

She stopped in her tracks once she was at the door and look at me. "It's been years Amrya, I think it's time you should get over it "

I glared at her as tears swelled in my eyes. " Do you just say it's been years? Do you just say I should get over it?

" Did you just say that ?"

" I know how hurtful it's Amrya and I apologize but he's still your father "

" Get out !!!!" I yelled at her and I didn't wait for her as I rushed towards her and pushed her out of my office not caring if she falls and slam the door shut as i broke down in tears covering my mouth to muffle my cries.

Amyra! Amyra!! Amyra!!!

I heard a persistent knock on my office door thinking it was her, I stood up with bloodshot eyes, the anger arousing in me again, and open the door to slap her but my hand stays hanging as I come face to face with my boss.

TBC...............

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