SCARS TO HEAL
SOLELY WRITTEN BY EWATOMI ABIODUN
EPISODE 4
" Mom! Are you okay?" I heard Kayden's voice.
My eyes widened in shock as I heard his footsteps.
I didn't close the door.
I couldn't stand up because I was not in control of my body again. I was trembling vigorously. I was having a tremor all over my body as they shook involuntary. I closed my eyes as I try to take control of my body but I couldn't as tear spilled down my eyes like a stream.
Please!
I beg my body to stop because I could hear Kayden's footsteps getting nearer. He can't see me like this. I don't want him to see me like this. He's still a baby. I can't imagine the horror on his face if he sees me like this.
He would know I'm not okay. I don't want to erase the perfect mom he thinks he had in his head.
My head suddenly shoot up immediately after I heard Kayden's hand on the door handle.
"Mommy, Are you in there?"
One
Two
Three
I closed my eyes as I count trying to take control of my body before Kayden enters. As he opened the door, I ran into the bathroom with the little strength in me and quickly lock it.
I slide down the door because I couldn't get a hold of myself. I was shaking vigorously.
I needed to do something to get back in control of my body.
" Mum! Are you okay? Are you in there?" I heard Kayden's voice as he slowly enters.
I covered my mouth to muffle my cries as I weep.
Kayden knocks on the bathroom door this time his voice was laced with fear and concern because I haven't given him a reply. I wish to reply to him but knowing how intelligent he is, he would quickly detect I am not alright by my voice.
" Mom, are you okay? Please answer me. I am getting scared " He says as he keeps knocking on the door.
" Mom, please open the door. I just want to know if you are okay. I heard your scream while I was sleeping. Mom, are you okay " He says banging the door.
I crawled towards the water closet as I place my hand against the wall, using it as a support to sit on the toilet seat. I quickly grabbed a new razor blade from the pack which was on the flush tank and tore it open despite how my hands are shaking.
I lift my left sleeve. Then my right as I pick up the blade with my right hand. My hands were shaking as I brought down the blade on my left wrist. I press the corner into my skin above my veins and move horizontally. Blood starts to appear in circles moving across the line and my body begins to calm down as I watch my blood slide down my wrist onto the floor as the blade drops from my hand.
I closed my eyes resting my head on the flush tank as my body slowly comes back to normal.
" Mom, please open the door" Kayden's cries of fear brought me back to reality as he vigorously pull and turn the door handle almost snapping it off.
Oh my God!
I quickly stand on my feet as I walked toward the sink to wash off the blood on my wrist. Ughh! I start to get frustrated as the blood refused to stop oozing out of my wrist. I quickly brought out a bandage from the first aid kit and dressed my wrist despite how the blood kept soaking it up. I pull down the sleeves of my pajamas to cover them up and quickly wash my face in the sink before I head towards the door.
I checked myself out in the mirror one last time to check if my eyes are not too swollen. I opened the door and quickly lock it so he won't see the mess I made inside.
" Mom! Are you okay ?" He asks as he envelops him in a hug his eyes wet with tears. I hugged him back as I tried to calm him down because he was also shaking.
" Bubba, mummy is okay ".
He shakes his head as he tightens his arms around my waist. " I.. was.. scared...you. didn't. answer.. me. For one and half hours, you are inside the bathroom without no sound. I.. thought.. something..had.... happened to..you "
I gently pull him off me as I bend a little to meet his eyes. I can't believe I spent one hour inside the bathroom.
I thought it was just a second. I must have zoned out again.
" Look at me bubba," I said as I place my palms on his cheeks.
He looks at me staring into my eyes. " Mommy is okay. I screamed because I almost wanted to poo on myself. I didn't answer you because the poo was so hard " I said and feign a laugh hoping he buy my lie.
He gave me the look of "I am not buying that". " Mom, are you sure ?. That scream doesn't sound like someone who wants to poo . Do you have a nightmare?"
God! Why is this boy so intelligent for his age. I close my eyes trying to come up with another perfect lie since he wasn't buying the first one.
" Oh my goodness!" Kayden screams as he steps back looking down.
" What's wrong?" I asked worriedly as I also looked down at what he was looking .
Oh shit!!!
The tiled floor was flooded with my blood which was dripping under my pajama sleeve.
I raise my head to look at Kayden and he has a look of pure horror and fear written all over his face
This is what I didn't want. This is why I didn't want him to come home with me. That look he gave me will be forever engraved in my head.
" Mom.. blood," He says as tears glisten in his eyes.
" Kayden...I ..can ..explain..."
He wouldn't let me complete my sentence. "You are bleeding mom. We need to get you to the hospital," He says with so much urgency.
" I am okay Kayden. I promise, I am okay " I say trying to convince him.
He shakes his head. " No mom. You are not okay. Look at the floor. You have lost a lot of blood. I need to take you to the hospital right now " He says as he comes closer to me and carefully grabs a hold of my right wrist.
I smiled at him as tears glistened in my eyes. I wish he knew I didn't feel any pain at all. I had to agree with him so he can be rest assured. He held my hand as we both head out of my room downstairs as my blood keeps dripping onto the floor. Once we get to the living room, I picked up my car key from the center table as Kayden decided not to let go of my hand.
We stepped out of the living room as we walked toward my car.
" Can you let go of my hand so I can drive ?" I said teasingly.
" Okay," He says without smiling back at me as his eyes were still full of worry. He let go of my hand and quickly open the driver's seat for me.
" Thanks, Bubba," I said as I step inside while he quickly turn around to the passenger side after closing the door.
The awkward silence engulfs us during our drive to the hospital. I keep stealing glances at him and I wish I could read whatever is going on in his mind. His silence is killing me. He knew I was stealing glances at him yet he didn't spare me a glance as he focus his attention on the road.
I know he was still going to ask me questions. Series of questions and I needed to make sure I come up with the most perfect lie that he can buy.
I suddenly felt the tiredness that my eyes started to droop. I shake my head as I try to shoot them open. I couldn't see again as I tried to control the steering as everything starts to become darker and I begin to fear as I look at Kayden who also had fear written all over his face as he look at me.
" Mom! "
The car swerved left and right on the road as I tried to park on the left side of the road but I couldn't.
" Kayden" I screamed his name in fear as everything suddenly goes blank.
*****************************
I start to wake up slowly, my eyes were still a little blurry. As I keep my eyes open a little bit longer, I realized two people were looking down at me wearing a white coat.
Am I dreaming again?
I start to panic .
"Miss Amyra, Can you hear me ?"
I calm down as I realized it wasn't the voice.
I turn my head to look at him and I can't remember where I get to know him. He should probably be in his early forties while the lady beside him should be in her twenties.
" Who are you? And where am I ?" I asked with a groggy voice as I tried to sit up but was held back by the IV fluids connected to my hand.
" I'm Doctor Hassan and you are in the hospital," He says looking cheerful about it.
"Hospital?" I asked confusedly as I tried to recall what happened and everything comes back in a flash.
"Kayden!" I sit up immediately ignoring the pain in my head.
" Stay still, you need to lay down for the night, " The doctor says as the nurse tries to tuck me back in. I flung her hands away as she staggers back trying to regain her balance. If not for the doctor who placed his hand on her back for support she would have fallen.
I disconnected the IV fluids from my hand as I tried to get down but fell back on the bed as my legs gave me away.
" Kayden, where's my son? " I asked frantically looking at the doctor for information as blood drips from my hand due to the force I used to remove the IV fluid but I was immune and numb to the pain or sight of the blood.
" Miss Amyra, please calm down " The doctor gestured with his hand a little bit far away from me. I guess he was scared of what I could do if he gets near me. " Kayden is okay. He's in my office. Let me call him for you " He quickly says and signals to the nurse who ran out to bring him.
Within two minutes she came back with Kayden who was looking unharmed.
" Bubba," I say with a low voice as tears glisten in my eyes.
"Mom, You are awake," He said and heave a sigh of relief as he ran towards me and carefully hug me. I hug him back sighing in relief too. I kissed his forehead as I tighten my arms around him.
" I'm glad you are okay. I'm so sorry " I said as tears trickled down my eyes.
The doctor cleared his throat making us pull apart. "You were unconscious yesterday when your son drives you here".
" What!" I exclaim as I quickly look at Kayden.
" You can drive? How ?"
" Mum, you managed to bring the car to a halt by the side of the road before you lose your consciousness. I was so scared so I had to drive you to the nearest hospital. My schoolmaster taught me how to drive during the holiday. Please don't get mad at him".
I heave a sigh of relief. I was glad nothing happened to him because I would have lost my mind and won't be able to forgive myself.
"Miss Amrya, " The doctor says earning my attention. "When your son brought you here. You have lost a lot of blood and I guess that's the reason why you fainted . We should be thankful you can bring the car to a halt because that would have been a tragic accident. Your son stood beside you the whole night refusing to leave your side so I had to force him to get some rest in my office this morning because he is still young to be skipping sleep".
" Thanks, Doc, "I said giving him a tight smile. " Can I be discharged today because I needed to be at work?"
" Of course....."
" Doctor!" The nurse shouted in surprise cutting his sentence short.
" Mrs. Smith!" He looks at her and gives her a face signal as she quickly composes herself.
" I'm sorry sir".
The doctor turns to look at me " I'm sorry about that".
" It's okay ".
He continued. "Of course, you can be discharged today Miss Amyra but I will advise you to get some rest for some days and take the drugs prescribed to you. Let's be thankful you didn't have extreme blood loss that requires blood transfusion though some blood tonic will be prescribed to you so you can regain the blood loss to avoid dizziness and weakness".
" Thank you . I will do that ".
" Okay . Mrs. Smith, kindly take Kayden to the cafeteria to get some food for his mum and himself before I prepare the discharge paper ".
" What would you like to eat ?" He asks me.
" Bread and tea will be okay," I say as Kayden follows the nurse out.
" Miss Amyra, Why do you self-harm?" He asks me immediately the nurse and Kayden are out of sight.
I guess the cafeteria was just an excuse to make sure Kayden wasn't with me when he asks that question.
"Nothing".
"Nothing?" He says in disbelief.
" Do you know you would have died if your son didn't drive you here in less than ten minutes? Do you know your son would have lost his mom if one-third of your blood volume is lost? We first thought you were physically abused but look at your wrist, your body, they are all full of cuts"
" What's happening Miss Amyra? Why are you hurting yourself? You can talk to me" He says his eyes full of concern.
" Did. Kayden..see ..that ?" I asked pleading with my eyes that he didn't.
" No, he didn't. And I didn't tell him anything than you accidentally cut yourself ".
" Thank you," I say as I angrily wipe my tears away with the back of my palm. "I need to go home, how much is my bill ?" I say as I stand up with the support of the bed headboard.
"Miss Amyra...".
"Shut up!" I yelled at him. "Do you think I wanted this? Do you think I didn't want to open up? Do you think I am okay with all cuts on my body? Do you think I am okay with the sight of my blood spilling down my wrist? Do you think I am okay to be numb to pain when I cut myself?"
"You don't know anything so stop being judgemental because you don't know what has been through, "I said angrily as tears streamed down my eyes.
" I'm so sorry for whatever you have gone through Miss Amyra but you can't keep going on with the self-harm like this. You can lose your life if care is not taken. You don't have to talk to me. I can refer you to a good therapist " He says picking his words carefully.
"I have a therapist," I said as I sat down on the bed because I was getting weak and might collapse if I didn't sit down.
"Why didn't you open up to her ?"
" Do you think I didn't want to? Do you think I didn't try to?" I say as my voice cracks due to my tears getting in the way.
" I'm afraid of going crazy in the process. Depression is horrible enough but that feeling of being on the edge of madness is terrifying. Do you even think am worthy of help because I am just a ..... "
I couldn't complete my sentence as we heard a knock on the door. I quickly dry my tears with the back of my palm as I acted as if nothing happened.
"Come in, " The doctor says as Kayden and the nurse walked in with our food.
" Please prepare the discharge paper. This is my card " I said as I stretch forth my debit card to him.
The nurse quickly collects it. The doctor steals a glance at me one more time before he leaves with the nurse.
" Mum, please let me drive you home," Kayden says pleadingly as he assists me to the parking lot with the drugs and tonics prescribed to me in his other hand which was inside a polythene white nylon.
" Why didn't you tell me you can drive ?"
" Because I know you will be mad at my schoolmaster. Mom, I was the one who forced him to teach me because I was bored. Please don't ...."
I cut his sentence short as I hand him the car key. He looks at me surprisingly. " I hope we don't get caught because you don't have a driving license yet and I promise not to get mad at your schoolmaster".
" Thank you, Mom," He says and smiles at me.
I smiled back at him as he opened the back seat for me. "What a gentleman," I say teasingly as I step in. He handed me my drugs as he closes the door and turn around to the driver's side.
He enters and starts the car and I was wowed at how he skillfully maneuvers out of the parking lot. I made a mental note to call his schoolmaster because only God knows when he has been teaching him how to drive. I'm going to scold him that's for sure.
During our drive home, I decided to check the drugs prescribed to me. I Furrow my brows as I noticed a note and a business card in the nylon. I glanced at Kayden to see if he was focused on the road before I brought them out. I slowly read the content written on the note.
I'm so sorry for being judgemental Miss Amyra. I want you to know, that I understand and wish to see you okay. If you need someone to talk to, kindly call the number on the business card. She's a therapist. She will help you.
From doctor Hassan.
I don't need anyone's help.
I squeeze the note as I wind down the glass and threw them out.
***************************************
I took two weeks break from work to recover fully and this time I made sure I tone down on the self-harm because of Kayden as I only prick my laps with a needle anytime I have that nightmare. I keep dodging Kayden's question anytime he asks me how I accidentally cut myself. It takes a lot of assurance before Kayden accepts to sleep in his room but I still met him on two occasions sleeping in front of my door just to make sure am okay .
Kayden will be going back to school today but I needed to meet some business partners about the ongoing project so I had no choice but to take him with me before I drop him to school.
I park in front of Mr. Wayne's company as I halt the car in the parking lot. Kayden and I get down from the car and walked into the building.
" Good morning ma'am " The receptionist quickly stand up to greet me.
" Is Mr. Wayne around?"
" Yes ma'am. This way please" She says and directs me to the private elevator.
" Grandpa!" Kayden shouted excitedly and I stopped in my track as I quickly turn around to see him run into his arms.
I started shaking as I fist my hand into a ball trying to control my composure because he was the last person I wanted to see as the noise begins to appear in my head.
He's the man who made me like this.
" Are you okay, ma'am?" I faintly heard the receptionist's voice full of concern as I start to zone out again.
TBC...........