Hannah raised her head from Axel's shoulder and rested her chin on it instead. "Are you scared? I just told you that I almost killed someone, why aren't you running away?" Hannah asked, her voice dipped in confusion and amusement.
Since Axel was already facing her, Hannah's words were spoken against his lips. Her breath smelled of alcohol but surprisingly, he wasn't disgusted.
Axel thought for a while and said, "You said you won't kill me, so I trust you to stick to your words".
Hannah scoffed and placed her head back on his shoulder. "Trust? People like me can't be trusted. We say one thing and do the opposite".
Axel kept silent. Both of them stayed quiet and only the faint sound of the night breeze could be heard. Axel turned his head to look outside the window as he thought that Hannah had already fallen asleep since she stopped talking.
On the surface, the streets looked normal but he only knew what was happening behind those walls, underneath the dark starless sky. The stench of blood that was carried about by the wind was too strong to be ignored.
He turned his head away from the window and looked at Hannah. After listening to her, he didn't even know what to think anymore. She was an assassin who didn't want to kill but when met with a target, she couldn't stop herself from killing.
Looking down at her peaceful face, Axel subconsciously raised his hand to remove the strands of hair that were covering her face. When his hand was already an inch away from touching her face, he heard the slight change in her heartbeat and his hand froze mid-air.
He thought she was already asleep.
"Do you think I'm a bad person?" Hannah asked.
"You are not a bad person. You are good". Axel responded and his hand finally moved to brush the strands of air away from her face and he noticed the line of tears on her face. "You are a good person".
Hannah laughed at his words.
Since Axel was staring down at her, he heard and saw her laugh. It was a small laugh that would have been beautiful if not for the depressing air around her.
Axel felt his heart sting at the sound of her laughter. She laughed but not because she was happy, she laughed in self mock. She laughed because he said she was a good person.
"Just because you are lucky enough to escape my blade up until now doesn't mean I am a good person. Who knows, just like what happened earlier, I might pull out a knife and this time, I don't think you will be as lucky as you were in the past. I am an untamed beast. You know what happens when an untamed animal is let loose, don't you?"
"I don't have to worry about that because you won't kill me. A beast only goes after its prey and fights against its threats. I am neither of those, so I'm certain you won't kill me". Axel remarked.
"That may be true, but sometimes, a beast loses control and goes running after someone who is neither its prey nor a threat. What are you going to do if I lose control? It will be too late to restrain me by then".
"There is no need to restrain a beast when it is already doing a good job in restraining itself. You have stayed around me for a long time now, if you wanted to kill me, you have the perfect opportunity anytime you go into my office but you didn't. So you don't have to worry about losing control because they would not happen".
Axel didn't know why, but he felt like expelling those dark thoughts from her head. He didn't want her to think of or compare herself to a feral animal with no control. He wanted her to see herself in a whole new different light. He wanted her to take an optimistic view of herself.
She shouldn't be like this. Worrying about losing control whenever she goes out. No one deserved a life like that.
"Axel," Axel held his breath as his name rolled out from Hannah's tongue in a low voice. This was the first time she was saying his name out loud and there was this inexplicable feeling brewing in his chest.
"I feel so cold and empty. Do you know why I feel this way?" Hannah asked him, genuinely confused. "I want to get rid of this feeling but I can't. Can you help get rid of it".
Axel didn't know what to say. The coldness and emptiness she felt, he wasn't feeling it. He couldn't help even if he wanted to.
Lost for words to say, Axel answered, "You should be happy. It will help you…"
"Happy?" Hannah interrupted, "people like me don't deserve to be happy. Only good people deserve happiness. Bad people like us, who have killed people, can't be happy. Whenever I close my eyes, all I see is the blood of people that I have killed. All I hear is the sound of knives scraping against each other. I am haunted by those memories every day and night. So tell me, how can I person like me be happy?"
At this point, Axel had nothing to say. No, he had things to say but did not know how to place the words. A slip of tongue on his part will cause Hannah to feel worse about herself again. It will make her compare herself to a wild, untamed, feral beast.
He didn't want that.
Hannah raised her head again and looked at Axel, his eyes already staring into hers. "You pity me, don't you?"
Axel turned his eyes away and cleared his throat. True, he pitied her but he didn't want her to see that look in his eyes. No one would want someone to pity them.
"That's good. This is the first time someone who knows me, looks at me like that. Everyone else looks at me with terror in their eyes. Their eyes reflect the danger I carry around with me. I don't like that."
Axel sat still as Hannah's words were spoken directly into his ear. Her voice was as soft as the whispers of the night and he could only hear her clearly because she was close to him.
"Keep looking at me like that okay? It's comforting to see that look in your eyes. Don't ever look at me like I'm a monster. I won't be able to tolerate it".
Hannah laid her head on his shoulder again and Axel began to feel the tremors of her body.
Was she crying?
"I don't want to live like this, Axel. I want to be a normal person. Just like other people, I want to walk around without worrying about being killed". Hannah choked out, her hot tears spilling out of her eyes and disappearing into Axel's shirt, creating a wet patch on that part of the fabric.
Axel felt his skin burn on the part that Hannah's tears touched. He felt like he was being forced to sit still while drops of lava seeped into his skin. He felt this unexplainable burn all over his body as he listened to her choked sobs and uneven breathing.
"I don't want to live like this anymore, Axel. The pain, memories, I want it all to disappear. I don't want them to be a part of me. I don't want this part of me anymore". Hannah sounded desperate and her tears flooded her face and Axel's shirt.
The pain she felt, the coldness and emptiness in her heart… she wanted them gone. To disappear like they never existed. She wanted to wake up to a new world, where Hannah was a normal person. Not someone who is feared by the most feared. She wanted her life to be normal, without masks, blades, and knives.
These unspoken thoughts and wishes of hers, she wanted someone to hear them, to listen to them, and help her.
That was all she wanted.
'Just for a moment. A normal life for a moment. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to live. I want to flee this dark, bloody world. I want to be free'.
"Help me, Axel… please…"
Her voice died down, and so did her sobs. Her tears stopped flowing and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat was the only thing in Axel's ears.
She was finally drained of all her energy and passed out.