"What-what are you saying, Alek?" I bemoaned as he placed the brown letter in front of me, knowing that the contents were something I didn't want to see. I swallowed as I attempted to remain cool, even though I knew tears were on their way to drop down my cheeks. "Is there a problem? We can address it, and you can tell me-"
"Just sign it and it's all done."
"No, I'd want to hear your reasons." I'd like to hear his reasons, I say, because this is just too sudden. Things are still registering with me. We even went on a date the day before he filed for divorce.
"My reason?" He took a step closer to me. His aura is so scary that I only saw it the time when someone attempted to harass me before. He feels like he isn't the same Aleksei I've known for years. "I've fallen out of love."
He's fallen out of love?
I maintain a low posture. As I sat in the courtroom, my mind was blank. It's the first day of our divorce hearing. It's amusing to think that this is where Aleksei wants us to go.
I don't want us to split up.
I don't want to toss away the memories we've shared as if it were as simple as burning the memories into the photographs we have.
The courtroom representative begins speaking. He was saying something that I completely missed till he inquired about the reason why Aleksei wanted a divorce. I watched him stand and explain his reasoning from the corner of my eye.
"Our marriage is forced, it's a contract, and it's been a long time; I wanted to get through it," He said, biting my bottom lip. I won't refute it since it was true.
The marriage is prearranged since both of us ran into issues with no negative consequences. That is why it occurs. However, the contract has been signed, and we both consent to it because of what we will receive if we marry.
It was set up by my father. He is one of Russia's wealthiest men. He offered the two of us a contract that Aleksei and I would never pass up. It's something we take for granted. We have our own agreement that is separate from the marriage contract and states that we will not interfere with each other's business.
I don't care what he's doing.
He doesn't mind what I do either.
But it doesn't imply that we don't care about one another.
Even if it's only in the papers, I know we were in love. After being together for a long time, we're happy and in love.
I know we're madly in love.
I can begin to feel it.
I started noticing it.
We live as husband and wife, not because it is demanded under the contract but because we have begun to take things seriously. I did make him feel like he had a loving wife, and he expressed that I had a loving husband.
I can't think of anything that would cause him to request this.
We do not dispute or fight. We often speak about the topics we should talk about, but we never get around to talking about this one. We agree on a lot of things, but the first thing I won't agree on is divorce.
What went wrong, Aleksei?
Is there something I'm sorely lacking?
Was my love for you suboptimal?
That day, I recall him explaining his other reason. It was horrible and hurt me so badly. Someone from his past was someone I never expected to witness.
"I still love and miss Blair, Zavia," he murmured, breaking my heart.
I'm familiar with Blair.
He briefed me about her.
He mentioned her to me when we were first married. According to how he described Blair, he's full of excitement and his eyes shine like stars. It happened not just where we were starting, but also after a year of being together. Nonetheless, I didn't mind her. I wasn't even somewhat interested in her.
What kind of a lady is she? Is she wealthy? Is she similar to me? What did she major in in college? Is her family famous? I never thought about it, but based on how Aleksei described her, I assume she was a kind person who sparked Aleksei's admiration.
She's fortunate to have been appreciated for a long time by someone like Aleksei, and for Aleksei to still love her after all these years. Even though I'm here, in the here and now, anticipating our future marriage.
Blair was his first love, and the only person he genuinely loved.
That is the truth, yet it is difficult to accept.
"She's severely ill, and I need to be with her. I can't do that if I'm tied to you." He said. He sounded mad about the fact that he couldn't be with Blair because he was married to me. "Do this as a favour for me, just this one. I have a plea for you."
"No, please, Alek," I cried. It aches. For the first time, Aleksei's rants hurt me. "I'll help guide Blair," I murmured, grasping his hand firmly. "With her bills—everything—I'll place her in the premier hospital that specialises in her condition. Just let me know what they require-"
"Zavia, you aren't required to do anything!" Taking his hands away from my grip, he grunts and sounds furious with me; he's never sounded like that before, not even once, since it's usually the calming voice I hear. "I have the money, and if there's anything she needs, that's me! She doesn't need your assistance! I'm not going to seek your support either."
"I also need you, Alek..."
I pleaded with him not to do it. I pleaded with him to remain. I beg him not to leave me, but he has already chosen, and there is nothing I can do about it. He abandoned me like if I were a dog he might have been abandoned in the ghetto.
Recalling that day, I merely brushed my tears away when the courtroom representative asked Aleksei a question. A straightforward inquiry, which Aleksei replied to without hesitation.
"Do you actually love Miss Stepan, Mr. Valentin?"
"No, I don't," my heart dropped once again, but I tried not to scream out loud in this four-cornered room.
"How about you, Miss Stepan?" I asked, burying my nails into my hand to keep from sobbing in response to his query. "Do you have affection for Mister Valentin?"
"I do," I said without hesitation. I'm not lying because I love him so much that I never imagined us being in this predicament. I'm in a circumstance where my money is powerless to intervene. "But even so, I'm letting him go."
That wasn't an insensitive question on their part. They asked the person who wanted the divorce first, since if they said "Yes," they wouldn't give them the divorce they desired, because why would you divorce someone you care about? Isn't being married to someone you adore the most precious thing you could have? That's why I don't want this to occur to us in the future.
Will there still be a "future" in us?
The first hearing has concluded, and the second hearing will take place next month. As soon as the courtroom representative finished, I sprang up and dashed to the restroom. It's a comfortable space where I comfort myself, ironic. I sobbed on the inside as I let go of the tears I had attempted to hold back before.
Why does everything appear to be so simple to him?
I keep asking myself that question since it isn't fair for me. It feels like the most difficult to suppress I've ever been. The grief I feel from this is nothing compared to the pain I felt when my parents died. I don't even know how many tears I've shed in the two weeks since Aleksei requested a divorce.
His choice is as firm as a rock.
A big rock that, when struck, hurts and leaves you wounded.
The agony caused me to bleed from the inside.
First, he proposed a divorce by mutual consent with me, in which we would just sign the document and the papers in the packet he provided me, but I rejected it. I knew Aleksei would put pressure on me to sign it. That is why I will continue to negotiate with him. We agreed on what I wanted as a divorce settlement.
I believed that it was the only option for me to live with him since, as far as I knew, the divorce would take 5 years. However, because there was nothing else that might prolong the process, it was cut to 2 years. It's still long enough for us to be together, for us to perhaps talk about this, but it's also too long for Aleksei, who can't wait 2 years simply for the divorce to be granted. We should have been divorced in just over a year, according to the court and his preference.
I also picked this sort of divorce with the intention of beginning to move on, at least day by day, because I don't know when the final hearing will occur. After that, we were strangers again. We'll be going through the streets, seeing each other and passing each other as if we've never met.
Only if moving on is simple.
Only if forgetting is simple.
Only if loathing him is simple.
I'll get right on it.