Ever since I was a kid, I was afraid of happiness. There's some thought of like if I'm happy, for once. If I accepted it. Something bad will happen.
That's why the thing I feared the most is being happy, I'm afraid of it. I didn't open my heart for some reason til I got older.
I say " nevermind.." a lot because I was often ignored when I was a kid, everyday. I wanted to talk to someone, chat with them. And all, but once they didn't listen. I won't speak anymore.
I don't like being ignored, I hate it.
It's been long time, so I forgotten the kind of warmth this family gave me I appreciate it but I couldn't accept it.
Yes, let's say I'm dramatic.
But can you remove the things I saw in my childhood? Such as seeing my very own father bring another woman, or man. In this house without caring for my feelings.
I regret it, the thing I've done before. I shouldn't have played hide & seek, maybe if I did my innocence will still be here? Why did I decide to hide in my father's room?
Let me be greedy, just this once. I don't wanna lose this hobby, I don't wanna lose interest in everything.
Day by day, everything just keep getting boring.
But when it's the night time, I feel so shitty. I envy them, for having the perfect body and face, I'm so insecure.
But before I couldn't careless of what people think of me. And it isn't a play pretend, I'm not a kid anymore. They're right I should start learning how to do some chores and study.
I wanna do that.
it's just, everytime I want to do something I'll lose interest immediately. I kept losing control of my fear just because of the treatment I got from the past.
But truly, I don't hate anyone. I love everyone from this house, even the neighbors. I love them.
But I'm too afraid of the thing people called love so I'd rather just stay silent until the darkness in my heart were shallowed by love. I don't like waiting.
I was blinded by darkness, and sadness. Rage and acceptance that I forgotten what was the family looks like.
I wanna disappear, and die silently. Will I be able to cry? I wanna cry. I can't keep up this expressionless face, or so called poker face. It'll hurt.
If I showed my weakness and be defeated by this emotions, I'll be pitied.
So I'd rather not.