~gloom's POV~
I didn't go to school the next day. A little because Thursdays weren't really considered a weekday in Bethany hills, but mostly because Uncle Kael wouldn't let me. He had already booked an appointment for me to see a therapist. I was almost offended because therapy is usually for married couples, mental or physical illnesses, life-struggling issues, food and or drug addicts and I guess...depression.
I still couldn't believe it. I knew I was never and could never be an upbeat person, but depression never crossed my mind. Dysthymia wasn't even in my dictionary. I just sat there gazing up at the ceiling. I was painfully bored. I suddenly remembered the novel I was reading before I blacked out yesterday.
'Where is it?' I asked myself as I searched under my beddings. 'Did Uncle Kael get to it first?' I continued in my head. It was nowhere to be found and I assumed it was gone for good. I laid back down and began thinking of the best case scenario for a missing book, as an excuse to why I lost it.
'Knock-knock' the door went, making me completely forget the perfect lie I had just come up with.
'Come in' I answered and Uncle Kael appeared in my room...…with the book in his hand. Oh no, busted.
'Is this yours?' he asked still browsing through the book.
'Um...technically, no….but practically, yes. I borrowed it from the library'
'Good choice of book, I'll give you that. But why are you reading this?' he asked skeptically.
'…Um, entertainment. I'm bored' I answered and he walked over to my bedside drawer.
'And what do you have this for?' he asked again, holding my phone up. I only ever used that phone when I was in desperate need of entertainment. Even then, I would just play subway surfers or candy crush or temple run.
'.....'
'Gloom' he did it again; he called me gloom. 'I need you to stop. You shouldn't be referring to books as entertainment, especially at this age and in this generation'
'But I don't care about all that'
'I do! You're supposed to be out there, socializing, making new friends. Being yourself!'
'I am being myself! This is who I am, so stop trying to change that! I'm even living up to my name for God's sake!'
'That's not even your real name! …and this isn't the same young girl I used to know. This isn't even the same young girl that literally kept on reciting, and I quote: There's no path to happiness, happiness is the path. You had so many happy quotes in your room when you were younger. My favorite was the one you hung over your head when you slept: Happiness is a direction, not a place. Where are all those quotes in your head now? I couldn't believe how the happiest little girl in my world could turn into the capital of sadness over night, and just over the death of her parents'
Just? Out of everyone I'd expect him to at least understand that my parent's deaths wasn't a 'just' for me. They mattered to me a whole lot. They completed me like a heart completed the body. I needed them like a fish needed water.
Amidst impending tears, I tried to process all that he just said. I knew I wasn't like this from the start. I knew I had only grown up to be this miserable depressed teenager. But even then I couldn't have been the happiest girl in the world. I remembered having posters of happy quotes in my room and over my bed when I slept, but I didn't remember any of those happy quotes...….until now. The memories of me hanging those quotes and reciting them every night before I slept flashed back in my head.
/flashback/
'Dad, dad!' I called running inside the house with a huge cardboard box. 'Look what Uncle Kael got me!' I said mega-excited. I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten that exited. 'A box of posters!!' I continued screaming.
'I got you those posters. I only told him to bring them in' he looked at me from the rim of his reading glasses; He was reading a newspaper.
'REALLY!!!!'
'Yes, yes. Stop screaming'
'MMHSSMMSNNHSSWM' was the sound I think I made next. 'I'm going to hang them in my room'
'I'll help' he said getting up from the sofa.
We - well, I – ran up the stairs to my room, with the cardboard box of posters being drawn in by dad. I waved at Uncle Kael who was just entering the house and helping himself with a cup of coffee.
My room was impatiently waiting for the arrival of the new posters so I got started with them immediately. I and dad got them out of the box, rolled them out and read them out loud, one by one.
'I have chosen to be happy because it's good for my health. By Voltaire' I read.
'Happiness is a journey, not a destination. By Buddha' dad read.
'No medicine cures what happiness cannot. By Gabriel Garcia'
'The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer someone else up. By Mark Twain'
'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. By Dr. Seuss'
'Every day is a new day, and you'll never be able to find happiness if you don't move on. By Carrie Underwood'
'For every minute you are sad, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. By Ralph Waldo'
'Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears. By John Lennon'
'Don't worry, be happy. By Bobby McFerrin'
/end of flashback/
I honestly didn't even think I could remember any of this quotes. I actually could never understand or relate to a few of them, even at this point.
Dad too should have learnt a few things reading and teaching me these quotes every week. How could the teacher not learn himself? But then again, the student didn't learn either. I could see that he was just trying to protect me from the disease that had consumed him. He was trying to keep me happy...far, far away from depression.
…
And gloom isn't even my real name. I had been answering gloom for as long as I could remember – but turns out, I didn't remember much at all – although, I found the name rather peculiar, I accepted it all the same.
'What's my real name then?' I asked doubtfully. I couldn't change my name. I couldn't accept a new one. Everyone addressed me as 'Gloom' and it had already grown on me too. But still, I'd like to know what Gloom substituted for.
'I'm not supposed to be saying all this' he scolded himself. Why'd he keep saying that? Did dad tell him no to tell me these stuff? Who knows what else they've been keeping from me.
'You can't go back now, just tell me. It won't matter anyway because I'm not changing my name' I wasn't. It'd be better I just knew. Why were all these things even kept from me? I deserved to know. First, dad was depressed and suicidal amidst his fairly normal state of being. Now, my name was a fake too. I registered with that name every single place I needed to. What if having a fake name meant having a fake identity and I could go to jail for this. I was already seven years into the name so there was no changing it now. Why was my whole life just a BLOODY FRAUD!!!
He swallowed before opening his mouth to speak. 'It's Ash' he whispered.
Ash? That was coincidentally my favorite color and the current color of my hair.
'You'll never guess what it means' he chuckled absent-mindedly.
It even had a meaning.
'What?' I asked and he looked at me as if he just got an idea.
'Look it up' he said tossing me my phone. I could tell by that stupid smirk on his face that he just wanted me on the internet. I was really curious so there was nothing I could do but that.
I typed the words: meaning of the name Ash and the results made my pulse drop down to zero. My name - my real name – was a Hebrew word that meant...
'…Happy?!' I half-asked, half-told Uncle Kael and he nodded. That couldn't be right. I thought having a fake name all this time was utterly shocking, but the meaning of my real name was a game changer.
'See. You've been living up to the wrong name' he stated plainly.
'W-who gave me this name?' I managed to ask amidst a loss of words.
'We all did, but dad suggested it first. Dad really didn't want you becoming like him, especially when he would die. How do you think he feels now? All his effort….wasted' he shook his head. It wasn't my fault I was destined to be hopeless. It was God's.
Don't go blaming anyone for your hopelessness, Gloom, especially not God. Happiness is up to you and you only. No-one makes you happier other than yourself. Happiness is not by chance, it's by choice.
A voice said almost angrily. It was Fright. I hadn't seen her in days. Did she actually go away forever? Now that I thought about it, I kinda regretted saying that to her. She was only trying to help. But then again, it was hopeless trying to help people that didn't want help. Especially not me.
'Here' he tossed the book in mere frustration. He was probably tired of trying to talk me out of the past and into the present. He'd leave that to my new therapist. He/she would have to be a Godsend to get me out of the quicksand of sadness I was long sinking into. 'Hurry up and get dressed. We have an appointment with the therapist today' he stated and left the room.
The book lay there on my bed so I picked it up. My bookmark wasn't where I left it; it was in the middle of the last half of the book. I wondered whether he had read it. I remembered he remarked the book as a 'good choice of book' so I figured he had to have read it. He was a lightning fast reader - so was my dad - so I wasn't surprised he was almost finished with the book so fast. But I was surprised he gave it back to me. Maybe there was a part of the book he wanted me to finish reading. I put the book under my pillow and tossed the sheets aside. I went into the bathroom and had a quick shower before changing into my usual – grey hoodie, grey joggers, white socks and black crocs. I didn't know what to do with my hair so I tossed my hood over it. It was better off because platinum blonde, in my case, was a hair color that gave a hint of depression as well as style.
'Are you ready?' Uncle Kael asked from the other side of the door.
'Yes' I answered taking my phone from the drawer. I walked a few feet towards the door before I abruptly paused and looked back at my bed. I decided to take the book along with me. I guess I just wanted to keep it safe...and just in case I got bored, even though I was carrying my phone with me.
We left the house and headed for the therapeutic department which was only 4 blocks from my house. When we arrived there, we were greeted by a young female receptionist who checked us out and confirmed we had an appointment with a therapist called Dr. June White. The receptionist half-led us to the Doctor's office. She had to go back to her post to receive more visitors. She just told us that the doctor's office was down the long, long white hall, so we started walking down the hall on our own. I peeked into a few rooms as we walked by. I saw people breaking down in tears, arguing aggressively and holding each other in consolation. It seemed the rooms I passed were just for minor issues because I literally heard wails and screams and banging and throwing and smashing of objects as we went deeper into the building. I was curious to know and eager to peek, but unfortunately we came to a halt right in front of a room with literally no lights on but I swear I could hear voices. It looked like Uncle Kael was also pretty creeped out because he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a random room. It wasn't really random because I saw a golden blonde seated in a black leather swivel chair. She wasn't doing the things you'd expect a professional doctor to be doing, like…smashing keys on a laptop, writing notes on a notepad or studying some person's health reports. She was actually swiveling around in her chair and she looked like she was having a blast and didn't give a damn whether or not a PhD degree in medicine was hanging - not too far from a graduation certificate from Cambridge – right next to her.
She finally stopped spinning when she heard my uncle clear his throat. She looked at us, specifically my uncle with both disbelief and surprise. I looked at him questioningly and he had the exact same expression on.
'Wittney!'
'Kay!'
Wittney? Kay?
Kay was definitely not my uncle's name and Wittney wasn't even a name to begin with. Maybe those were nicknames. Did they know each other?
'Married already?' she asked looking at me. Excuse me? I wasn't even that old. But now that I thought about it, I probably looked damn right old with my almost grey hair in the shadow of my hood.
'No!' Uncle Kay was quick to deny. 'She's my niece' he introduced me and I waved. She waved back, still recovering from shock though.
Uncle Kay quickly took a seat, but not on the ones right in front of her desk. He lounged on the sofa on the other end, still facing us. It looked like she was cool with it because she only raised a brow playfully. I was left standing so I just took the seat in front of her. I was here for business anyway.
'Do you two know each other?' I finally asked.
'Yes. She was my schoolmate in high school' Uncle Kay answered.
'And he was supposed to be my prom date in the 11th grade' she added narrowing her gaze at him and he rubbed the back of his neck.
'You remember?' he asked a little guilty.
'Never forgot, but moved on. You seemed to be really into my best friend Paige so I let her have you' she answered shaking her head. She didn't sound even the slightest bit hurt. She actually sounded glad.
On another note….Paige?
'Paige Davenport?' he asked.
'Mh-hmn' she nodded. I felt like confirming to see if it was actually the one my uncle was currently dating, but I decided to just mind my own business. Uncle Kay gazed around the office for a while before finally talking again…
'So you really went for medicine?'
'I told you guys I would'
'But you were so driven in business '
'I just really loved money….and shopping'
'Ha-ha-ha! With Paige and Goldie'
'Yeah. Paige and Goldie. Haven't seen them in years. Wonder how'd they turned up' she said and I was sure the next statement would determine whether Paige was or was not Uncle Kay's girlfriend.
'Well, I've kept in touch with Paige, but not Goldie'
'Mmmm. You've kept in touch with Paige. Do you still have a giant crush on her?' she teased and Uncle Kay looked at me, as if expecting me to answer. At this point I felt like a lone chalk amidst a box of charcoal. I couldn't relate to any of the stuff they were saying. My uncle was at least 13 years older than me and the wonderful woman in front of me was a professional doctor who looked like she had aced all her science....and beauty classes. I didn't know why he was looking up to me to continue the conversation.
'I think he's….dating her' I almost whispered a little unsure and he nodded.
'Really?!' she snapped her head back to him almost excited but surprised. Which was the only emotion that trended since we walked in. Again, another emotion I could probably never feel. He nodded again. 'Awwww. You two were super cute in high school. Everyone shipped you guys!' she squealed. I sighed and sunk back in my chair. That was probably going to be the first and last time I'd chip into their never-ending conversation. I even wondered whether Uncle Kay had forgotten the real reason we came here in the first place. Despite my inward ranting they continued with their conversation.
'Yeah. She ended up studying medicine. I guess the two of you planned it out because she's a doctor now. I heard Goldie also studied medicine but a field in cosmetics'
'Ha! Typical Goldie…..obsessed with make-up'
'Right'
'Killer eyeliner and to die for lashes'
'Okay, don't go all girlie on me'
'…Speaking of girlie' she mentioned turning to me. Finally! 'What's she here for?' she asked, bringing Uncle Kay back to reality before his face grew serious, almost angry.