Even when it's not intentional, the actions of another consequentially affect those around them. Even when individuals get hurt, in order to empathize and help out the one who is wounded, they try to take on a portion of pain which they have no real understanding for. At times without even trying individuals often inflict pain onto another. Even in the most unfortunate circumstances when an individual dies, pain is inflicted. Regardless of their own will, anyone who is connected with them in some shape or form will have been inflicted with the pain of their disappearance.
So I must ask, why does our pain spread?
And seemingly, why is it that my pain is never felt by another?
His name was Takumi, no one understood him nor did I really understand him fully no matter how much I try to think back to it. He was different no matter how much I tried to justify him, even when he did things that other people did, I couldn't say it was the same more or less.
I first tried to get to know him when we were just kids, I often saw him around my neighborhood but it was always just him by himself. I wondered why he was just alone all the time, if anything he could just be alone in his house but thinking like that was kind of depressing. I wanted to avoid that kind of the thinking and approached him on whim. I asked him if he wanted to play some games with me at my place. He fiddled his fingers and mumbled under his breath but I just dragged him along anyway.
We played Mario, Sonic and other games in my living room. We laughed a bit and it became aware to me that he was actually in my class. This is all coming as a surprise to me, surely once the day came to an end we parted ways and awaited tomorrow where I'd look for him at school. Also just note we're like nine so every other thing came as a surprise for me.
I walked around a bit and felt a bit awry given I couldn't find him no matter where I looked. But, upon calling his name in the classroom it'd follow up with him tapping my shoulder casually revealing to he just slightly behind me in class. I was a bit shocked along with my other friends as most of the kids there didn't even recognize him, much less know he was in the class. He lacked more presence than your run of the mill ninja.
I exclaimed that he must've used instant transmission for how he just popped up behind me. The boys nearby got the joke and chimed in to figure out who he was and all eventually made their acquaintance.
But, come the next day no one even gave him a gander. It was as if he wasn't there in the first place, he was in his own world and we were in ours. I still tried to latch to him in this effort to become a friend to him but it was like no matter how hard I tried I could've never made any true progress in trying to be close to him.
"Kato-san.. it's fine, you don't have to try so hard being friends with me. I'm already used to being alone anyway.. I wouldn't mind." Mumbled softly by Takumi.
"Idiot, I'm just gonna ignore that you said that." Exclaimed my younger self.
We were sitting next to each other outside now that it was lunch time. I stole some of his food but he didn't really bat an eye or make a fuss. He just stole some of mine in return. We laughed a bit and had a good time enjoying the few minutes of lunch before returning to class. My other friends came to me and asked what I was doing or where I was. I just said I ate lunch at a different spot.
"Sumire! Why haven't you been with us at lunch lately?.." uttered one of my friends
"Well.. I've been yknow.. doing stuff."
"Stuff? What kind of stuff—..." they asked in anticipation, wondering ever so slightly what could be keeping me.
"It's nothing really, just been wondering around—.." I said this as a retort since I didn't exactly have any reason to tell them I was talking to some boy.
"Well we've seen you around with that Takumi kid, could it be him?.."
I was a little taken aback with their response, I didn't really anticipate them knowing already but then again people do these things. Asking you questions they already know the answers to just to check the character of another.
"Well erm— so what if I am? It's not that big of a deal."
"If you say so—.."
Eventually the period bell rang and we began to make our way to the class. I kept that conversation on my mind for the rest of the day.
Rather, it stayed with me for another 4 years. Takumi and I stayed friends and continued to talk to each other, things got better and I think he got more comfortable over time. We hung out nearly every other day, had our inside jokes, and basically couldn't be separated. I rarely found myself without him after a while.
I think it was in that process of growing closer to him I got separated from everyone else. Friends I've had for way longer started becoming a bit more distant, people who would've talked to me daily barely spared passing glances. But as long as I could keep holding onto Takumi things would be fine. And just that happened, we went to a local convention and looked around as Cell Jr's. It was a fun experience since we met a few voice actors at the time, only as a result of us arriving early. The whole experience really highlighted everything at the time since we had a lot of pictures taken together.
There were times were he got lost but it only took me a moment to find him again. Some things were a bit intimidating for him so he clung to me for reassurance at times.
It was like having a little brother so I kept him as close as I could.
When the convention was over we made our way out of our premature and poorly made cosplay. We walked a bit to head to the train station sluggishly as we were a bit exhausted from the long day we had. As we made it to a crosswalk we noticed it got a bit late as the sun was starting to set finally. Clouds started to recede slightly as everything started to take on a orange hue.
Playing around a bit near the crosswalk we realized that we nearly used up all our time to cross but finally made it. He nagged me for taking to long and all I did to retort was stick my tongue out and push him a bit on the chest with a little nudge.
I gave him a peace sign knowing we made it anyway but gradually I saw him lose his balance from the nudge. Stumbling just a tiny bit, he tripped over his cosplay a bit. I tried to reach out for him but he got way too close to the street. Me reaching out for him merely and accidentally pushed him farther all but causing the top portion of his body to get hit with enough blunt force from a passing car to all but kill him on impact.
The blood was everywhere, I was still trying to process what happened. If anything it was just me day dreaming while we're walking, I really was just tired. I drank some of my water and went to rub my eyes. I looked at my hands and saw trace amounts of blood splatter on them. My eyes widened as I looked around and saw Takumi's mangled body on the road as people looked in terror and awe. They were stricken by the sight and went on with their lives. I questioned what was going on, the pain I was feeling was enormous. I got to the ground and almost vomited from how mortified, how fucked up I just felt. A whirlpool was coursing through me, anger, confusion, anguish and strife. I genuinely started to fail to comprehend the situation at hand. Everyone felt opaque, nothing felt real anymore. I felt like I was alone in this world, I was falling into a deep abyss and continued to fall.
Takumi still didn't move and no one really bothered to check. They saw it as just an accident and proceeded hoping someone would've called the authorities or something. I tried crawling and trudging in the ground to get some help but I was still so anguished barely any recognizable words came out my mouth. Tears ran down my face to where my cheeks turned red. My mouth quivered and twitch with a great ferocity as no one helped. No one could even comprehend what was going on, it was like the whole incident that occurred wasn't even in their world, it was like we separated from them. Eventually no one bat an eye at the sight as his body was carried away. I stayed there on the ground staring at the blood pool from his body. I couldn't bare it anymore, I tried to run but I stumbled most of the way, I couldn't live with myself. It was my fault, I killed the one person who meant more to me then anything else. Was it the person driving that killed him or the person who pushed him into harms way.
I guess technically it's the person who touched him last, the person who pushed him into his death.
Thinking back now, he was the true divergent. So long as I was near him he would've never came to actualize the potential he was given. But ever since he died I understood him more and more day by day. Sometimes it felt like he was watching beside me. Almost if he was never gone in the first place.
Maybe I used that thought to cope with the fact his death had little to no effect on those around him or me. His parents moved slowly afterwards but they didn't seem entirely pained but I could tell at the very least they grieved the death one of their children. You know, I don't even know if my parents grieved me, had a funeral or anything. But then again I kind of wish they did, they were good to me for the most part. I miss them at times but I've grown up with the mentality they'll won't always be there to help me so I've got to help myself. Or did I develop that after Takumi passed, I'm not sure anymore.
Only thing I'm the most sure of right now more than ever is myself. I say the most sure because I'm at the most confused I've ever been, I'm at a point where I physically don't know left from right. Light has enveloped me and currently I can't tell if it's been days, years or a couple seconds since I've heard the voice of another person. The irreverent god was the last thing I was in contact with before he sent me off to this place Yuzuriana? I haven't gotten there yet nor am I exactly sure what the main objective is.
That's a lie, I just remembered he said I was going there to learn more about the ability he gave me. From what I've been hearing it's called a grace. To recap from what I've learned over these past few events is that in every world, or every other reality, realm, space, universe lies a god in control of that particular section. With that he has his pantheon which are subsidiaries to it. That god in control is more often than not a tutelary deity which has been given the ability to designate their faith into a grace candidate. This grace candidate is given their grace as a sign of their worth and promise into being a candidate to be the link. As to what the link is? I'm not sure. I'm just familiar with this, the grace candidates are all fucking strong as shit. Each and everyone of them is given a specific grace identity or ability which will correlate to them in a specific way or form shaping the very way they continue their existences. And from what I heard from an actual candidate, they awaken their grace at a very young age and learn all they need to from the get go.
I'm an exception apparently, the person who was originally supposed to have my grace ended up dying by my hand before they could realize it's power. Sad thing to know, but that's the situation.
And speaking of the situation, I've started to make out my surroundings. Things are coming into view as I'm lying on the ground for some reason. I look around slowly as I start to become more and more conscious of what the fuck is going on. I look to see somebody standing over me, they had a single wing on their back resembling that of an angel. Their hair was pink and short, it was a bit shaggy as their clothing was rather different. It was plain white and gave me the feel of someone in a caravan. I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Without a second thought, I uttered to this figure.
"Who the fuck are you supposed to be..—"
Almost taken aback by my crudeness they walked towards me without a ounce of hesitation. Crouching down to my level they'd smile gently before responding to my brazen question.
"Who am I? ..Like you, a grace candidate. I hold the grace of scale. As for my name, I'm known as Xander, I welcome you to Yuzuriana."