"Alaska?!" His voice rises right after I mentioned the place where I will be moving out to. "You're going to move to the north pole, D!"
"Well, it's still in the U.S." Hesitant, I looked into those ocean blue eyes, things I admire about him.
"Same thing." Ryan palmed his face. We got our silence moment after the stupid words that blurted out of my mouth. "This is not going to work." He muttered.
Deep in me has realized that this relationship is not going to work as I moved out. This is suck. I love Ryan. We've been together since we were in high school. And I'm not ready to be apart from him. I am even afraid to look at him right now, worrying if he would say the words. I don't want to break up with him. Yet, I have to ask him. "What was that mean, babe?"
Ryan lifted my chin and tucked the strand of hair covering my face into my ear. Now I could not be freed from those beautiful eyes. "Look, baby. You know I love you, don't you?" I nodded. "Good. I cannot live miles away from you, D. I need you to be here as I can't live without you. So please, stay. I'm begging you." He knelt in front of me, and his hands landed on my thighs, looking at me with a pleading look, as he said, begging me to stay.
This is it. I know it's going to happen today. He's begging me for something I obviously can't do. "Ryan, I love you too. But I'm sorry, you know I can't, and you know why." He knew that I have to leave due to my brother's job. And he certainly knew I can't break my dad's last wishes before he died, which is, I have to live with Davis, no matter what, unless I got married, and that's final. "Unless there's a –"
"No, Delilah. No. That's impossible." He cut me off and stood up.
I can't believe it. Not that I want to push him to marry me soon, we're not ready, I knew it, it's just … how can he just cut it off with a 'no' so easily? "No?! Was that your very quick answer for the word that I haven't said yet, and we both know it would be a marriage?! Geez! I mean, like what, Ry?!"
"D! We're just twenty! It would be super weird if we got married in a hustle. You're going to leave in the next three days!"
"But can't you at least pick another word instead of a quick 'no'? It sounds like you don't want me in your life. Don't you think that would hurt my feeling?" I shed a tear.
"Hurt? So now we're talking about hurting feelings, huh?" He pinches his already red nose. "You hurt me first, D! You are the one who's going to leave me!"
I can't hold my tears from dropping anymore. This is too much. "Ryan, I'm sorry. I've never meant to hurt you. I won't ever want to leave you either. I love you. But this time, I have no choice. I have to go. But even harder, I know our relationship could stay still even though I'm not here anymore. Even though we can't see each other every day as we always do."
"How, D? How?!"
"M... Maybe it's time for us to use the technologies to maintain our relationship. We could do Skype, Instagram, Twitter, or else. Also ... we could get a flight to see each other." I try to smile, neutralizing the situation, even if it's hard.
"Delilah, you know I'm not a social media person. Social media is a joke." He sighed, cynically smiling.
"Well ... you should try then, babe."
"Are you going to put our relationship as a joke?? There are our hearts inside, D! I won't play with that!" Uh-oh. His rising voice is back. "Ahh! Or maybe it's just mine. So, you can assume it as a joke like whatever you want, huh?!"
What?? How can he said that?! He's obviously out of the line! I can't deal with it anymore. His words really break my heart. "Ryan, we've been together for about two years. With the many problems we've been through. We've made it. Together. Not just you or me. It's always you and me. But you know what? About you and social media, that's your own problem, not mine, or ours. And I will say that this relationship is finally on the rock. Because I can't deal with you saying that I've been through it all without my heart. As a matter of fact, I did it with all my heart. Well, you're right, Ry. This is not going to work." I wipe my warm wet cheek.
"Delilah, I – "
"Ryan Watson, thank you, for successfully wrecking my heart. Goodbye, Ry." With that, I grabbed my jacket and purse, headed to his front door, and walked away.
On my way home, I can't stop crying. But I'm trying to look that I'm okay and tough. I know that's impossible, not to mention this cheap eyeliner adds messiness to my face. At least I'm trying, though. I hate to look weak in front of people. Especially in this neighborhood.
Ryan's house is just about several blocks from mine. I passed groups of women chatting in front of their houses. Some give me a look of pity, but there are also strange gazes fixed on me.
Those people are wearing masks. Like they'll take it off when they speak to or talk about my brother. But put it on as they speak to me, so there's a fake smile on their face. They're just pretend to like me. Davis is sort of the kind-hearted, smart, wisest, and handsome big brother. He's a doctor by the way. While I am a jobless sister who is always a burden to her brother. Yeah, that's how they always talked about us. The two opposite poles of brother and sister. But still, I don't give a fuck what are the people thinking.
"Wow, looks like someone had a bad day!" Davis yell-greeted me from the kitchen as I slammed the front door.
"Shut up!" I smack my purse on the small kitchen island, then hop to sit on it. "So, what we have for dinner, dude? I'm hungry." I bite the green apple next to me.
"Since I have to go to the hospital tonight, and I have to make sure that my little sister won't get starving, so I'm making a simple chicken steak." Davis is a good home cooker anyway, and I am grateful for that. For me, mom's cook deserved a gold medal. And although she lost fought cancer ten years ago, still, Davis wouldn't get that gold medal from me. A silver medal is enough for him.
I snorted. "Stop talking like I'm your daughter. I'm not five years old either." He chuckled, still focussing on the on-process steak.
Maybe it's true what most people say that Davis always pampered me. Even many of my girlfriends are envious of me for having him in my life. They said, Davis is a women's dream man who really understands how to treat a woman. Sometimes, I feel disgusted by their writhing movements in front of my brother. It seemed the women were ready to pounce on him, and they were like, 'pick me! pick me!'. Argh, geez! It brings me nausea only by imagining it. Fortunately, Davis is a man with few words. So, he's just shrugged it off.
I locked the front door after Davis said goodbye and watched the car pull away. The lights had been turned off as I finished with the dishes and went upstairs to go lock myself in my pleasurable place, the bedroom. I made it to be a dark room by switching off the main light and lit only the small decorative lights that I spread out on one side of the wall. I sit on the bed, pull my leg to my chest, and folded arms on my knees.
As I watched the leaves move from the big tree in front of my room through the open venetian blinds, I let my mind wander.
In the next three days, I will be in the other state of this country. Leave everything's here. This small room that I would be missing so much, this rented house that I've been living for about four years, the annoying neighborhood, my not many friends but nice enough to me, and ... Ryan.
I smacked my forehead as that name was back on track in my head. Oh gosh! It's not like I never moved out to somewhere else, because I've been doing it a lot since my father died, and Davis always decides to rent a house because of the cost of living, but this time ... I have to leave Ryan! My first fucking love! I can't believe we broke up hours ago!
People say it's just a calf-love, a love that will never long last. Even Davis, the person who has never had a date, and I don't know whether he knows anything about love or not, said so. And I thought he was just being Mr. Know-It-All at that time. But today, I can say maybe they were right. I just realized right now, that breaking up with someone you love is so painful inside. It's hurt but not bleeding.
I shed a tear, again.
It's not that I'm blaming this situation, and I don't blame Davis at all for my broken-hearted. I mean, Ryan and I should try for what people call; long-distance relationships. The two of us should have settled this matter with the presence of mind instead of yelling and blaming each other as we did hours ago.
He should've understood the situation I'm in like I did when I discovered he was cheating on me about a year ago. The day when he begged me for an apology, as he said that he was drunk so everything became out of control and whatever fucking was that. Although that was not easy for me to rearrange the broken puzzle of my heart, finally it ended with me forgiving him.
What was on my mind at that time was; that nobody is perfect, and everybody deserves second chances, right?
Meanwhile, in today's case, I haven't done anything wrong to him. I just told him that I'm going to move to Alaska. That's it.
Wait, wait, wait, Delilah, he cheated on you, you forgave him, and today he said that you just take the relationship as a joke? Really? He's the one who doesn't take it seriously, not you! This guy definitely doesn't deserve you, D!
My subconscious recalled and reminded me. For a god's sake, was that my stupidity or what? Now I feel so damn mad at myself. Darn it!
Oh god, is there any love that could last in forever? With no affair? Without separation? Even death? Could two people who are in love be together still in the forever afterlife? Cause I want that kind of love. I don't want to be in love just to be hurt. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just ... why did this happen to me??? I'm so pathetic!
I'm covering my face with my yellow pillow, then crying and screaming as loud as I could. This is the right time to cry. With no Davis around. If he's here, I'll get the twenty questions game, which maybe could just end in the next morning, or noon.
Minutes later, I rub my face and glance back at the large window in front of me. Suddenly, I see something shiny dashing at the dark sky. Passing through my gaze. What was that? It's something that I've never seen before. So beautiful and shimmering. Was that a shooting star? Oh, I think I should make a wish immediately, just in case that dazzling thing was true a shooting star. But what wish should I make?
Then there's like a light bulb above my head. I know what wish it is.
I close my eyes and start to make a wish.
'Dear shooting star, dear God, dear the goddess, I wish I have a love that would last in forever in my life. With someone who will never cheat on me. Someone who will give all his heart only and just for me. I wish the love of my life is a vampire'.
I smiled as I continued to stare at the super bright light slowly disappearing.
"Shoot! Did I just say a vampire??" I panicky asked myself. "What a stupid Delilah! Now the shooting star has already taken your ridiculous wishes and is about to make it real! Get ready to marry a vampire, you idiot!"
I threw myself onto the bed. I must have been on the verge of going crazy for wishing to have a match with a vampire! That is the most unlikely thing to happen!
I sighed. My dying mind really can't think straight. That's why the word 'vampire' came out of nowhere just a few minutes ago. Still, you moronic Delilah!
There's no point in regretting it either anyway. After all, it was probably just a stupid wish. But, if it comes true, then I have made the truest wish. Because of the vampire movies I've watched, they are empirically gorgeous, and the most romantic creatures ever. Once they fall in love, that love will be the only one and forever.
Okay, I seem to have completely lost my mind that I wish to have a romantic love story like in the movies. Totally insane!
Later, I slid underneath the blanket, and close my eyes. I'm trying to have a beautiful dream which could become true, with my lovely vampire...