"Did you see Alex?" Jun took his glass and gently shook it, his gaze still fixed on me. His torso bent sideways, his elbow on the bar, to get a good look at my face. Despite my refusal to respond, he laughed and shook his head, as if he understood my predicament. I sighed and downed the drink in one rush before asking for another glass from the bartender.
"So, what are your plans now?" Jun took a shot of whisky. He sighed and lowered his head, loosening his tie and flicking his gray tux. "It's been a long time, Chen."
"Jun, I'm not sure, but yeah, it's been a long time, isn't it?" I shook my head and squeezed my lips together. My chest throbbed.
"After all these years, it appears you haven't forgotten about him, have you?"
I instinctively turned away from him to avoid his dubious gaze. I inhaled and let out an angry sigh.
"I felt that by leaving him, I would forget about him and the grief would go away. But I realize I'm mistaken."
I furrowed my brows and turned my head to face the bar as I stared at him. "I tried too hard to keep my distance from him today at work. You can't imagine how frustrating it feels."
"Did you see Alex at work? How come?" Jun's eyes widened and I nodded in response. But then he let out a laugh which surprised me. "I still couldn't believe that that bastard got you falling over heels for him." He shook his head.
I refused to answer him and rather stared at my half-emptied glass while swirling it and released an exasperated sigh. He finished his shot and turned to face the bartender, asking for another glass. With his elbows on top of the bar, he leaned his torso towards it.
"How come you abandoned him in the first place? It was going so well. Honestly, I've been wondering all these years what went wrong?" He cocked his head to face me. His brows were wrinkled.
"I couldn't tell you right now, Jun. It would not have happened if the conditions had been different," I took a breath and returned his stare, forcing a grin as if seeing him was fine.
"What should have been different when everything was perfect between the two of you. Both of you seemed to have been loving it, so why?" Jun uttered, which sounded like he was lashing out and frustrated with my situation.
Even though I knew the answers, I was unfortunately unable to adequately communicate them to him. I swallowed and decided not to respond, which caused him to sigh in frustration once more and lean back against the counter with his elbow propped up on top while draping his arm in my direction.
***
When I got home, I went upstairs to my bedroom. My arms and legs were spread wide as I lay down in bed, staring at the ceiling. Today, I couldn't stop thinking about Alex.
Tears began to fall from my eyes, sliding down near my earlobes. However, I wasn't sure if it was out of remorse or because I missed him after ten years apart.
I wanted to fight for us, for our relationship to work. But at the same time, I was frightened that if I said even a single word, tears would stream down my face, causing panic and more misunderstanding. I didn't want Alex to be confused as to why I was suddenly agitated. I wanted him to spend a few more moments with me in private as if it weren't the final time we'd see each other.
At this point, I grabbed my phone and found myself staring at the old photos of Alex and me with my hand draped around his neck.
Although it was supposedly a wacky group photo, it brought me to tears whenever I looked at them.
"Those good old times we have…it's sad to say that these moments will only remain a memory," I whispered, in tears, as flashes of the past rushed through my head.
"Chen?"
When I heard his voice calling my name, I got a choking sensation and my eyes had grown bloodshot when I looked at him and gazed into his enormous brown eyes. Hearing his husky, deep voice caused my heart to race when I kept staring at him.
Despite this, Alex maintained eye contact. It got worse.
When I couldn't take it any longer, I grabbed his arm and held him as tightly as I could.
"Why?"
I pulled myself up and sat at the edge of the bed. Then, I massaged my temples and rubbed my face down, wiping away the tears in my eyes.
Nonetheless, I was blind to the impending events which made me feel that I liked spending time with you. I got to know you better than anyone else the more time I spent with you. Your need for family approval and your need to love and be loved are two things we have in common.
I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I would begin to recognize myself in you. Since then, I haven't been able to take my gaze away from you, and I didn't realize I was falling for you.
"I'm sorry." I dried my tears and sobbed against the sheets. "How did I get here? I thought that I could move on and enjoy the successes I've had. How come Alex's presence continues to influence me?"
I rolled back to face the ceiling.
Alex, you still have my heart after ten years. My hand pressed against my chest while I pondered. I closed my eyes and drifted off. Nonetheless, my feelings for him don't matter anymore. And it was my fault.