After Rea told Karma to leave the weapons, Karma left the table. She moved to sit in an overstuffed red chair she added to his room this morning. She adjusted her body on the plush cushions. Her hands picked up the sewing that waited for her. Yesterday, she began to fix the green shirt she ripped in the shower.
She looked comfortable. In fact, she looked too comfortable.
Rea picked up the newly mended socks on his bed. The silence between them was getting on his nerves. He tried to come up with a topic that was neutral. Blurting out that he loved her and wanted her to stay would be absurd. She didn't even know what kind of man he was now.
"I agreed with you about correcting Brice today. I'm surprised the men took to your hanging out with me in the training room."
Restless, he meandered over to the corner of his room and looked at the pile of empty bags shoved there. Karma had half a dozen of her bags brought by some harvesters, and they were stacked up. The chair that she was curled up in had appeared as well.
Although Rea was going to tell her it was presumptuous of her to believe she could have her clothes here, he didn't say anything. Instead, he let her unpack. He should've reminded her she was leaving. This relationship wasn't permanent.
"After they saw me shoot Nash, what were they going to say?"
"Good point."
Her fingers slid over the fabric. The action was a sensual caress. Karma looked domesticated as if she was his wife, and they lived together. Damn, but more and more of that thought was being hammered into his head. It was like when he was younger, and he imagined her with him like this. There had been so many nights when he pictured a world without his father beating him, one where it was Karma and him together. Because of those memories, he didn't have the strength to tell her not to unpack her damn bags. He let her unpack and add her chair. He even accepted her fancy lace bras hanging above his sink.
Rea would have to fix this situation somehow. He just didn't know what to do. He wasn't meant to be with a woman. They were a distraction, weren't they? If she stayed, wouldn't it be bad for building the water bases? What if he asked and she turned him down?
Karma offered him an unsure smile and handed him the shirt she finished sewing. He looked at the tiny stitches and marveled at how well done it was.
At first, when Karma was forced by Gears to spend time resting, all she did was sew. For that reason, all his clothes had started to look new. When she found an item that she couldn't fix, she turned the garment into something else. She cared for him, but a voice in his head reminded him that she might leave at any moment. She could kill Fletcher and then run off. If he asked her to stay and she left him, it would break his heart. He would never recover.
"I think I'm good for the men. I think at times they listen to me only because of the boobs." Karma kept smiling at him, but the idea this relationship wasn't going to last stuck in his head.
Karma's smile faltered when he didn't respond. "You should've had a woman crash the party sooner. Boobs cheer everyone up. I've used them a time or two." Karma looked down at her dark gray V-neck shirt like she gave that part of her body a compliment.
Rea's face darkened. He thought about his father's idea of women joining the bases. She was distracting him. The base wasn't getting finished faster. He could hear his dad pointing that out. It also popped into his head that maybe she'd fooled around with men to get what she wanted. As a killer, she might've done that. The thought instantly made him want to hit something. She was his. No one else could have her.
Rea didn't want to admit where his mind was headed, so he decided to comment on the training instead.
"My father never respected women, not even my mom. He hasn't been dead long, so this is the first group of men I've had to train by myself from the start. I've built bases with Gears, but we had men to move from other more established NEDs. This is the first set of men that I've had from the beginning. I get to do it my way, but I'm not sure I know what my way is. It doesn't matter, really. After this, I'm done. I don't want to train men anymore. I want to, maybe, work in the greenhouses or do maintenance on the base. Is that dumb?"
To say all this was probably stupid. He looked down at his boots. He was like his teenage self, unsure and hoping she wouldn't laugh at him.
"I, of all people, can completely understand wanting to reinvent yourself. After I'd made my first bodysuit, and it stood up so well to the elements, I knew I wanted to make clothes that'd stand up to the ice. At the time, my dad wouldn't let me do it, but Gears pointed out I could now. I remember how much fun I had creating it long ago. One day, I plan to design a suit that's long-lasting. Gears likes some of my ideas. We talked about the clothes the base guards could wear." Karma paused. "You know, you've always been good in the gardens and designing space. You got that from your mom. It's a natural talent. I think you should start doing things you want to do."
"I'm supposed to devote my life to the water bases. I have responsibilities. I'm not free to leave like you."
Karma shook her head at him. "You have a responsibility to make this base run, but after that, you can settle here if you want or move. No one's going to tell you what to do. I think you should take some of your father's organization and focus and some of your mom's gardening abilities and become Rea. Don't be either one of your parents, become you."
Rea turned away from her, feeling more restless than before. He didn't know what to do when someone told him he could do what he wanted. So many years of being told when to eat, sleep, and train.
"Rea?" Karma said hesitantly. When she spoke, he started to wipe off his already clean counter. "Are you telling me there really were no women on the base before? I mean, all this time you've been alone?"
Alone. Yes, that is what he was. He glanced at Karma's eyes. She was here now, but that would change. She'd left before, and he had no reason to trust that she wouldn't do it again. All he had was the base, Gears, and his responsibilities. That's all he would ever have. He wanted to make Karma understand.
"My father made sure no women were on the bases after you left. The men who stayed were fine with it 'coz they only had to go through a short training period. Most of them had wives or girlfriends who came to live with them after everything was set up. The single guys would chase scientist's daughters, or some men were gay, and their boyfriends trained with them. It was fine for everyone except me. After I think it was our second base or third, my dad thought I did something good, and he got me a woman to have for an hour… as a present."
Rea turned his back. He couldn't face her while he admitted this. He'd never told anyone about his father's present, and he pretended to clean some invisible dirt off one of the cabinet doors. He wanted her to understand. To finally see the man he was now. He didn't want her thinking he was that same kid who blindly loved her. He wasn't that person. And neither was she.
He took a deep breath.
"She wasn't very good. She would lay there, and I'd finish. Then she'd leave. That went on for about two more bases. I didn't even know her name, and she was older, maybe in her fifties. She never talked to me, and doing her was like screwing a warm bowl of water. I did her when she showed up 'coz my father would've beaten me otherwise. I guess I also missed sex. I wanted to get off."
"You missed sex, or you missed me?"
"Are you looking for compliments?" He glanced at her and gave a rueful smile. "Yes, I missed you, but after a while, I forgot you."
Sorrow appeared in her eyes. The words hurt her, but he refused to lie.
"After a while," he continued. "I stopped doing her when she'd be dropped off. That wasn't 'coz of you."
"I want to ask why, but I feel like I'm snooping." Karma began sewing one of her sheer bras. Because she was not focused on him, it was easier to answer.
"You are snooping." He looked up at the ceiling for a second. "I don't know why I'm telling you this. I've never told anyone. The truth is, I stopped 'coz I couldn't get it up for her."
Karma nodded like it was no big deal. They could've been discussing a mundane topic. She returned to her sewing as if it was the most absorbing activity in the world.
"Go ahead. Say it. I heard it from my dad. It wouldn't be anything new."
"Say what?" Karma didn't look up at him, and now he wanted her to. He wanted her to look him right in the eye. If there was ever a moment that might push her away, he was sure this was it.
"Say how manly that is. Say what a loser I am that I couldn't pop a chubby for a woman spread before me. I get it. I got it when my father found out and beat me senseless over it."
Karma finally looked at him. Her eyes widened as her eyebrows came together.
Dropping her sewing, she got up from her chair. She was no longer awkward in her gait, and she came to stand directly in front of him. There was no place to escape. Karma pressed close to him so that he was forced to put his back against the counter. Her hips were against his. Her face was turned so he could look down and know with a slight dip of his head that he could taste her waiting mouth.
"That isn't what I would say at all." Her voice had a sultry edge to it.
"What would you say?" His voice came out as if he'd just eaten gravel. Her beckoning eyes were turning his insides to lava.
"I was going to say your body knew what it wanted faster than your brain did. Sometimes we fight what's right for us." Her voice was no more than a purr. The invitation in her tone was clear.
"Sometimes you have to fight it. There are things that aren't going to work out. Sometimes you know it's all going to fail. No matter how hard you try." He broke away from her. Rea turned and picked up his rag to wipe the cabinets again. He wanted her, and it took everything in him not to kiss her until she begged him.
"What happened after that?"
"My father stopped having her show up. He thought it was a punishment. I didn't. It was better to have my right hand as company than the stranger who was there for the money. I hated that he controlled my sex life too. There wasn't one thing in my life that was mine."
Now that he thought about it, Rea faced the fact that he still thought his father was controlling him. It was still new to him that he was in charge of his life. In fact, with Karma, he considered that she might be trying to control him too. She never took no for an answer. Wasn't that like his dad? Karma never had anyone telling her what to do. She could leave. Nothing held her to him. She could tie him up in knots and then leave again.
Lost in that dark thought, Rea was surprised when Karma took the rag he was using to clean. She hung the fabric out to dry on the faucet.
"I bet you think because I was the one carrying the gun that I spent my life doing what I wanted." Karma rested her hip against the counter as her eyes scanned him.
Yes, he did think that. He reached out and traced the words on her arms. She could do whatever she wanted. It seemed unfair. If he decided to have sex with her again, it would be his decision.
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to. I can see what you're thinking, and you're always saying I can leave."
"You can walk away at any time."
"So can you."
"You don't get it." Rea dropped his hands.
"Don't say responsibilities again." Karma laughed and then sobered. "I get it. You know, I wasn't running around doing whatever I wanted, either. It wasn't like that in The Seemyah. I had to answer to my father. Then after my dad died, I was stuck corralling Fletcher. After my father's death, the family incinerated him before I even had a chance to say goodbye. I never got a say in anything. I always felt like I was at someone's mercy. It was always either the client or my father. It was never what I wanted to do that came first." She paused. "Weapon or no weapon, I get not being in control. I'm free now, but it wasn't always like that. I went after what I wanted. Go after what you want, Rea."