"That day meant more to me than you will ever know. When we made love to each other for that first time.... I felt like that in that moment we truly saw each other... Yes, we had always been "together" but it was always in the innocent childlike sense." I taking a moment I collect my emotions.
"When I look back on that day everything was normal, there was nothing off about the entire time we spent together. It felt like we took a natural first step. When I told you that I loved you and offered myself to you.. to us. I knew in my soul it was the right thing to do." I look up to watch him him I could see the array of emotions fly across his face. Anger, self hate, sorrow and love.. in a way I was glad he was feeling even a small amount of what I had to feel these past four years.
Looking away as I didn't want to crack under the pressure. I take a deep breath before I begin to speak up again. "When I woke up I felt so free it felt like it was going to be another a great day. I went about my everyday routine: took a shower, got dressed, ate breakfast, brushed me teeth and then.. I went to see you. Imagine my surprise when I climb through the window to curl up with you in your bed and your room was empty.... FUCKING EMPTY TATE!!!" emotion welling up that I just had to let it out. I watch his mouth open then close because I know and he knows there is nothing he can say..
"You dad was obviously taking you to Southland so I couldn't ask him where you were. I had to find out from Reese and Jace. I had to hear that from them that you left, they unjustly got the brunt of my anger not knowing that you never told me you were leaving" my chest heaving with the flood of emotions.
He went to move forward to console me but I stepped back and lift my hand to stop him not wanting him to touch me or I will not be able to finish. I need to get this out there not just for me but for the remote possibility of our future.
"I didn't speak to anyone for 6 months, I dropped out of Moors training 5 months before graduation, I became a shell of myself. Jace was the one to break me out of my shell.." Tate growled at this and I glared at him. Swallowing the rest of the grow he waits for me to continue.
"Jace was the one to remind me it was okay to be sad and to not want to talk to anyone, but he said it was not okay to quit my life. He knew how I always wanted to help people by being a Moors medic so he went behind my back and spoke Dr. Mitchell and asked if I could apprentice under him. Of course I was furious and acted like a brat. I ignored him for a weeks before he sent Reese in to get me. Eventually, I gave in and Reese and I apprenticed together. When we finally finished 2 years later we took over the practice together. About a little over a year ago I had finally come to terms with the fact that you were never coming back. Jace had been with me through all of it and asked me out." Tate growled loudly at this which I ignored "I was hesitant at first but I realized it wasn't healthy for me to keep holding on to you. Especially since I had no guarantee that we were even mates. So I promised him i'd give it a try." Looking at my reflection it was hard not to see my old self in the reflection in front of me.
Tears started to slowly roll down my face.. covering my eyes so he couldn't see "I was so horrible to both of them and they didn't deserve it.. they were the ones to bring me back Tate. They were the ones to stand by me and fix what you broke. Jace helped put me back together... How can I betray him by letting you back in.. mate or not".
"I love him... I do.. but he is not you... He was never able to make me whole again and I hate it sometimes. I hate that the person who is supposed to be the other half of my soul was the one to break me" the sob wracking my body.
This time Tate doesn't even ask for my permission to touch me. He grabs my arm and pulls me into his warm body and just envelopes all of my senses with my body. As he hugs me tighter I can feel him place a kiss to the top of my forehead. "I am so sorry baby.. I never meant to cause you so much pain. I had thought of that day a million times over the last 4 years and thought of the hundreds of ways I could have done it different. You have to believe me when I say I had a reason for leaving. You may not like it but trust me when I tell you this... I needed to to do this.. for you."
"For me.. what the hell do you mean it was for me..."?