Do you know why it's empty?
No matter how much achievement they have, people who do not have a stand will feel empty.
What is my stand, what am I living for, who am I standing for? How will I answer the question of What I stand for?
I stand for my children; I don't think I'm a good mother; I don't have much time for Bright even though I always try to do it.
I stand for my husband; I'm also not a good wife who can wait for a husband to kiss his hand and greets him when he comes home because my husband doesn't like being treated like that either.
I stand for my career; still not clear either. My heart is still branched many branches; I don't think my job is my passion.
I stand for my religion; I think I should know myself.
And if I continue, the list can be long and wide.
I'm still looking for why I exist. Why do I exist? What do I live for? And I still haven't found the answer.
BE YOURSELF.
I accidentally found that simple quote when I was unloading the warehouse where the old school books used to be stored. I was silent while staring at the paper; my feelings were still the same when I wrote it; first, the words BE YOURSELF still hadn't reassured my heart.
There's a big hole in my chest that keeps opening every time I fill it.
No matter how much I fill the void, it's still not filled. I devoured books, training, seminars, religious activities, charity, volunteering, and all kinds of work I did, but still not enough, still not; this is not the answer.
I also socialize. Often, I felt strange, alone in the middle of the crowd. It seems that any community and anything does not fit or suit me. It tired me. All my life, I've been looking for my place. But the more I searched, the further I lost myself.
***
When I was in college, I studied at the Open University, where I had to actively determine what courses and how many credits I would take each semester, self-study discipline after work, piece by piece from all the module books I studied. Still, in reality, how much did I study, how hard I tried to get better result, the IP was 2.15. Meanwhile, to be accepted for work, the Company will require graduates from reputable universities with a minimum GPA of 3.
Discrimination.
Until one day, there was a light conversation that made me contemplate a conversation with an employee of immigration when I was applying for my passport at the immigration office.
"Studying at UT*) huh?" He asked while researching my latest certificate after checking the other passport-making files on his desk.
"Yes. Why?"
"Wow, great"
"Fucking huh?"
"Serious!"
"Great, what's so great? As long as they wish, everyone can be a student of the UT."
"Everyone can go to UT, but not all can graduate. This is an example." He said while pointing to himself, "In years of studying at UT, I didn't pass."
"Is that hard to pass?" I asked honestly.
"Conventional lectures are easier; if you don't pass, you just bring your mentor something."
He laughed.
Hah. Oh, Please.
I realized from a simple conversation that my graduation at UT on time was also SOMETHING.
All the courses I passed even though with 'average' scores, but no one repeated. And I managed to finish college precisely as I planned; done in 4 years did not go forward or backward because I adjusted it to my condition while working during the day.
It's a pity I never give credit to myself. I never congratulate myself.
Suddenly, I feel the marks on my certificate are crying because they have never been considered. If the score of 6-7 could cry, they would cry, disappointed because the owner never wanted to admit it, never tried to appreciate it, never boasted about it, those numbers that have never been seen with sparkling eyes or with gratitude like as well as numbers 8 and 9.
And I did cry.
I think I've found something that was missing. The experience that made my chest always have a hole was never fulfilled. PRIDE.
PRIDE
Pride, not arrogance. Pride in its place is a form of gratitude. And humility that is too excessive can fall into kufr.
.It sabotages my happiness.
***
From simple experience, the conversation with the immigration employee, I think I have found the meaning. The meaning of my existence. That I am in the middle, like a bridge. Again. It doesn't go left or right. Neither above nor below.
I've always been in awe of people who have accomplished extraordinary things. People who have limitations but no fewer achievements. Moreover, the young generation of the millennial era, many of them have outstanding achievements, become CEOs, have a business turnover of billions, and have careers with a long list of awards. I was dazzled by their brilliance until I forgot what I had.
Wherever on earth, there is less respect for the average. All standards are above average. But how many average people are there in this world? From here, I know the origin of the word.
MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
How do I make a difference?
And how can I make a difference if I don't know myself, even to some extent, and don't respect myself?
To be able to make a difference, SOMEONE MUST BE AUTHENTIC.
But not many people DARE to be AUTHENTIC.
To be DIFFERENT is to be AUTHENTIC.
So far, I've always been busy adjusting, being uncomfortable, following along, and wanting to please others until I forgot to be myself, and failed to love myself. I don't value myself and don't know how to be myself.
Your job is to be yourself. Other people may be more beautiful, intelligent, talented, etc., but no one can be you. Do you want to be a hero to everyone? You can't even help yourself. It's not your job. Even a prophet's job is only to CONVEY.
A voice sued.
What is more important to you than yourself? What is more valuable than yourself? Why don't you ever count yourself? Why don't you ever think you're important until you don't take yourself into account? Why don't you ever believe that I AM A MATTER?
***
And again, I wrote. I have tried all kinds and kinds of work, and I quit. Only writing that I couldn't stop. It is the only thing I do happily to PARTICIPATE IN LIFE.
That's MY PURPOSE.
PURPOSE is the primary function of the creation of an object or goods.
For example, a cell phone maybe it can function as a calculator or a camera. But that's not the purpose. Mobile phones were created as a tool for communication. Only if it is used as a communication tool, the mobile phone provides the most benefits.
I write about the kindness of the people I meet in my life, how they inspire me, and stories about ordinary people who are special BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SPECIAL.
Now, I know where I belong. Now I can answer that question.
I stand for myself as a human.
I stand for HUMANITY!
The Meaning of Life is to find your Gift
The Purpose of Life is to give it away
-Pablo Picasso-
***
*)The Open University (UT) is the 45th State University (PTN) in Indonesia that implements an open and distance learning system