"Do you know why you are here?" I heard Dr Louisa's sweet voice ask once we made ourselves comfortable in the balcony.
She suggested the place just so I wouldn't feel trapped inside a room and she wasn't wrong. I was grateful.
Talking about my past wasn't something so huge and terrifying than most of other meet in their lives but, it just happened that I was affected by it in worst way possible.
Domestic abuse wasn't something new to the world and a lot of people can move on without the help of psychiatrists much less being cheated on but, I don't know why the experience with Trevor brought shackles to my life making me unable to make a move.
"You can start by telling me why you are here" Started Dr Louisa before rustles begin her way.
"I ... umh..." I stuttered a little having cold feet even before I willed my mind to speak up like a man before I felt a squeeze of my hand by Damon.
He made me understand that sometimes it's okay to be painted weak, you can cry, you can fall so long as there is somebody out there who'll stay stay strong for you and wipe your tears, someone who'll catch you when you fall. And I guessed he was it for me.
"I want to talk about my last day with Trevor, my husband" I said before I heard a growl from Mr man beside me. He always hates it when I gave his tittle to Trevor but, what can I do? For three years I called that man, mine. Three fucking years!.
"Mr Emule, I'll only excuse you this one time. This isn't about you" Dr Louisa reprimanded before she implored me to go on.
"I was coming home from the hospital that night when I found my... Trevor and some blondie girl having raw sex on the kitchen counter..." I said more like wheezed. I was still disgusted by the sight. That was my God-damned haven for hell's sake.
Don't get me wrong, It wasn't love what I felt for Trevor, it was more of a contract companion. I was used to him being with me.
"What did you feel when you saw them like that?" Asked Dr Louisa seriously.
"I don't know, at first I kind of felt used, humiliated, disgusted" I answered robotically blocking all the emotions that threatened to break me.
"You didn't feel anger nor pain" stated Dr Louisa before she went back to her scribbling.
"No, I was just dissapointed in him on the choice of his sex venue" I replied earnestly making the room speechless for some time
"Was that the reason you didn't want to live anymore?" Probed Dr Louisa returning me to the present.
"No" I answered truthfully.
"Do you think you can share with us the real reason, Mr Sybil?" Inquired Dr Louisa softly.
"I... hope so"
"We are ready when you are... We are all here for you, remember that"
"That girl was bounded by ropes beneath him, she... she... she was bleeding and moaning in pleasure and Trevor was busy strangling her while thrusting harder and harder. They looked..." I trailed off to pass some emotions attack on me. I was starting to feel the suffocation she talked about earlier.
"You're doing okay, love" I heard Damon whispering to me before he kissed the side of my head and squeezing my hands in a reassuring gesture. I wasn't alone.
"What did you feel by that sight?" She probed sternly
"Betrayed!" I blurted out with so much hatred
"Why is that, Mr Sybil?" She asked again after some silence away.
"That was our thing! He was supposed to do that only to me! He told me that I'm the only one pitifully enough to set his dick standing at all times with my wounds and scars, only my painful cries makes him reach his peak! That was the reason I wanted to die!" I said crying to a tensed Damon's embrace.
The whole room was heard of my hiccups and painful groans if not wails. I never cried in my life than that day. I was so dissapointed in myself, so hurt by what I did...
"Did you love the pain he inflicted on you?"
"No"
"Then why did you stay after so many days of suffering?"
"I was hopeful"
"What was your hope?"
"Someday, he'll return like the man I had on my wedding night and it even wasn't him!" I said crying some more.
"How do you feel now about it?"
"I was stupid and fucked up..."
"No, you're not fucked up!" scolded Damon, holding me to him tightly. I was taken aback by his protectiveness. He was still there even after all that I said.
"Mr Emule..." Warned Dr Louisa who only got some unrepenting sorry from Damon.
"Carry on, Mr Sybil"
"That wasn't me" I summarized in a whisper.
"And who are you?"
"I'm not a dog who'll feel happy for some bones thrown his way. I'm Anderson Sybil, the priceless being whose value can't be measured. Someone whom people should feel blessed and honored to make an acquaintance to" I said proudly making Damon chuckle lightly.
"Do you ever regret walking in on them?" She asked me softly.
"Sometimes"
"Why is that?"
"Because..., I wouldn't have gone through all this pain. This helplessness, this feeling of being lost, alone..." I answered sadly.
"And what do you feel those other times?"
"Blessed"
"Can you elaborate?"
"It gave me another chapter of my life, it reminded me of who I was before all that... It gave me back my life"
"Don't you want to give that returned you a chance?"
"I do"
"Then why are you blocking his door? Why can't you set him free? What don't you want to see? Why don't you want to live?!" Rained Dr Louisa making me panic for no reason, pressuring me to defend myself to put a stop to her.
"Because I'm afraid!" I blurted out
"What are you afraid of?" She asked again after some scribbles on her part.
"Pain" I replied drained out of my brain.
"You know that as humans we can't escape some pains, right?"
"I don't want a repeat of my mistake!"
"Not every human out here is Trevor plus, you can't avoid mistakes as nobody is perfect so you shouldn't have to be. It has already happened, now how about we let it go? Give us the chance to meet the real you" She cooed at me soothingly.
How did she know that I hate denying others. Shrinks really know their drills.