'It's time to go,' William says, not looking in my direction. I only nod, hug my family for the last time and go after him.
I sit on the opposite side of the carriage, facing my husband. He looks tired, like he hasn't slept at all last night. He has dark circles under his eyes and he's very pale. He wears simple, white shirt and dark trousers, tucked into riding shoes.
I, on the contrary, have finally got my rest. After what happened in the garden, I was so emotionally exhausted, that I fell asleep as soon as I laid my head on the pillow. No dreams, no nightmares, I was finally able to restore my strength.
That moment, it felt magical, the passion carried me away. We were drawn to each other with irresistible force, like two magnets. I wanted him to touch every part of my body, to devour me. Until I ruined it.
Until my stupid mind ruined it…
It only came to me in the morning, what have I done. How William must've felt, after I basically rejected him. I am his wife, last night should have been our wedding night and I pushed him away. I can still see his broken posture before my eyes.
I'm so sorry that I hurt him. I don't know what's happening to me, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Seeing things, that aren't real. Nightmares, that won't let me rest. He's dead, but I still feel his presence around me. I feel his touch on my dirty body. Hear his voice, visiting me in my nightmares. It only lasted few minutes, why is it so hard to pick up the broken parts of my soul?
I look out of the window. Redgate Hall, with every second, becomes more and more distant, until it disappears. I can only hope, that it'll be the same with my trauma. Maybe the new surroundings will help me forget.
Hours and hours of ride pass in the uncomfortable silence. I don't know how to start a conversation after what had happened. I'd like to do something to make him forgive me, but I don't know what to do or say.
The carriage stops and my thoughts are interrupted. I look curiously out of the window. We are in front of a little, wooden inn.
'We'll stay here to eat and rest, and tomorrow we'll continue the journey,' William says, before I ask. He then almost jumps out of the carriage, leaving me behind.
'Wait!' I shout, but he ignores me. I gather my skirts and hurry after him. It's a little difficult, my legs became numb, after hours of staying in the same position, but I manage to catch up with him.
We enter the inn. It looks decent enough. I realize, that I never was in one. Even at the time of my London debut, I stayed at ours family estates. From what I've heard, most of inns are nasty, full of suspicious men. It's not a place for a unwed lady.
But now I am married, I don't have to worry about my reputation anymore. It makes me feel free in some way. Besides being tied to the man with marriage vows until death. And he won't even look at me. That realization makes me feel blue.
'Good evening, can you prepare two rooms for us?' William asks the innkeeper. She's a very beautiful woman. Her eyes are green and her blonde, curly hair shine in the candlelight.
'Sure. Do you also want me to prepare a bath for you?' She asks, winking at him and exposing her full bosom even more. I open my mouth, shocked.
'Y-yes, but bring some for my wife too,' says William, catching my hand, to show me off. He's clearly embarrassed. Even his ears turned red.
'Oh, of course. So let me take you to your rooms.' She glances surprised at me. She clearly didn't expected that I am his wife. I want to smack her in the head with something heavy, but I only grit my teeth and follow her.
She takes us up the creaky stairs, to the first floor. William immediately closes himself in his room, not saying a word to me or the innkeeper. I sigh and go to my own room.
It's small and simple, but clean. I throw myself into the bed, it's not as soft as I'm used to, but it'll do. I haven't realized how tiring the journey would be. My muscles are numb and sore. When the maid comes in with a water, I take the hot bath with blessing. It's not only cleaning my sweated body, but also helping me to relax.
William's behavior bothers me more than I'd like to admit. He's almost a stranger to me, I know him only for a day. Why does it matter so much to me, to make him forgive me? Yes, I want to be a good wife to him, it's my duty as a lady. Surely, it is a reason, after all I was taught of how a lady should be since I was a child. Or I could just admit, that I'm starting to like him.
I hide my blushing face under the water with that realization. It's too fast to say that I'm in love, but I definitely like his appearance. He's a very handsome man. I don't know how I never noticed or heard about him, he should be encircled with ladies at balls all the time.
At that thought, I suddenly feel jealous of those potential ladies. And then I remember the innkeeper and it makes me feel even more jealous. It's me who should be seducing him, not some harlot. But then I remember what happened last time we almost kissed and I don't know if I can do this.
I always thought of myself as a strong, young woman. Now, I've been reduced to some shivering, helpless lady. I can't stand this, I don't feel like myself anymore. But it was only a week, maybe I'm too harsh to myself. I need more time and I can only hope, that William will give it to me.
***
I can't look at William without my face turning red, so it's hard to be sitting in front of him in the carriage. Last night I had some very indecent dreams, with him starring. It was a good change from nightmares I had, but it's still not something, that I'm used to. I can fortunately hide my face behind the fan, thanks to the hot weather. But it's also exhausting to travel in those conditions. I can feel droplets of sweat on my forehead, so I swipe it with my handkerchief.
'How much longer will it take to arrive at the Summerton Mansion?' I ask William. He turns his dark eyes to me and I regret this, because it reminds me of how he looked at me in my dream.
'Two hours, at most' He answers.
'Good, this journey is so much more exhausting than I expected,' I say, deciding to start some conversation.
'Are you feeling well?' He asks, with worrying look on his face.
'Yes, I'm fine, only tired. Are you okay?' I ask.
'I'm used to the horseback riding, so the carriage is like a luxury to me, don't worry about me,' he answers with a light smile.
It's good that I'm sitting, because this smile melts my bones and muscles. He looks so innocent and pure, it's so unusual amongst man. After a while of silence, I cough, to clear my throat.
'I'd like to know you better. What do you like to do in your free time?' I ask.
'I'm mostly reading books,' he answers shortly.
'Really? I love reading too,' I say happily, glad that we have something in common.
'I know,' he says without thinking. I can see, that he regrets what he said instantly.
'What do you mean?' I ask, intrigued.
'Ugh… I saw you with the book through the window, when I came to your father to ask for your hand.' He says embarrassed. He's blushing and he's doing this thing with his hair again. I guess that it's his nervous reaction.
'Oh, I didn't know that someone was watching me. I guess I was too absorbed by that book.' I smile to him, but he's not looking in my direction.
'You looked like you were,' he says awkwardly, looking out of the window.
'Why didn't you came to talk to me?' I continue the topic.
'I… I didn't wanted to… Disturb you,' he mumbles. I haven't thought, that his face could become even more reddened.
'I would gladly meet you before I married you. You wouldn't been disturbing me,' I say, trying to look in his eyes, but he still avoids this.
He's not saying anything. He shifts uncomfortably on his seat, so I decide not to push him more. I don't know why he got so embarrassed. A light conversation, that I wanted to share with him, became an interrogation. It was not my intention, I just wanted to know him better. But it's hard not to ask questions, when I'm the only one maintaining the conversation. He's not very talkative, I guess.
At least, he doesn't seem to be upset with me about the situation in the garden. It lightens my mood and gives me hope.