Toya
What? No way is that true.
I cup her chin, I just want to kiss her right now.
"You really think that way about me? Rei?"
Fucking Hell, Toya get your head out of the gutter, stop it, don't do this. Don't cross that line, once you fall, there's no coming out.
I know she meant it, but I refuse to let my guard down again, love is a fucking hoax, a fucking bitch.
She looks at me and nods genuinely, her eyes glowing with sincerity before softly laying her head on my chest, I embrace her in my arms and close my eyes.
What if she changes once we're together? What if I change?
Of course she'll change, all women change once they are in relationships.
"Rei, I really want this, I'm just … I …"
Dammit screw this. Why am I even thinking about it so much? Why am I thinking about being with her, there is not much to think about.
Toya I swear, if you don't get it together at this very moment, you will make a mistake you will regret for the rest of your life, no!
"Don't trust me." She says as she looks at me shaking her head, "It's alright Toya, I don't get nor understand, but alright."
Dammit Toya get it together, she's into you, hell, she's in love with you. She knows the real you, the fucked up, bullshit ass, dumb piece of shit you, and still loves you, what are you so afraid of?
"No, I was going to say I'm afraid. I don't want you to change. I can't go through that again."
I fucking loved Yachi, with everything I had, it was all real, every fucking moment of our relationship, but, then she changed.
Demanding, clingy, reckless, fucking controlling. Everything she was not when I fell for her.
But, I know that's not who Rei is, she is not any of those things. She is genuine, she's not afraid to be vulnerable with me, that's what fucking love is, I know if I took the jump and fell for her, she would be nothing like my previous relationships.
Back then, we were all falling with no one to catch the other, and when we reached rocked bottom it hurt, everything broke, it was messy, and death was inevitable.
I used to like that, I used to love the fall and hate the crash but I would climb the top of the building again and whoever I found on that roof top I would jump with.
With Rei it's different.
I met her on the ground floor, I don't see the need to jump off the roof, I want to be safe for her. She makes me want to get my life together. No more reckless behavior and being fucking selfish.
Then again, at first it's all good, but with time people change, I don't plan on changing, I like me just the way I am, and that alone is a benchmark for the reason why relationships don't work. I can't do this.
I can't keep letting her into my head. For fucks sake she's bypassed my head and playing around in my heart. I can't let her in, every time she knocks on the door I want to open it.
The way I have fallen for her is unlike anything I have felt before. Inside my heart there is a big burning door. It's on fire so no one can touch it and knock on it.
Rei on the other hand, she throws pebbles on the door, every time she comes after my heart, she comes prepared.
It's instinct for me to leave the door closed, but slowly but surely the curiosity to know who is behind that door is getting to me. Her persistent knocking, her gentleness that's what's breaking my walls.
I try to bait her into fights because I can handle rough, I live in the world where all hell could break loose any day. I am used to chaos, and I need it, but she's not like that.
If we constantly fought eventually I would get sick of her, instead she leaves and gives me time to think.
Who knew that using my damn head could be such a doubled edged sword.
Sometimes I just do what I would do if we were not in a relationship, like stay out late, never call, make it fucking obvious I was drinking, and she just ignores me.
What am I a stupid kid?
When she gives me the silent treatment it makes me feel so guilty I feel like my heart is being grated into mince. I can't stand it.
Then it's the good moments, her smile, her flipping funny ass jokes, she can make me laugh no matter how angry I am. She has the most seductive laugh I have ever heard.
Her annoying jokes first thing in the morning.
Her petty side makes her even more attracted. Like when she makes fish for supper knowing I hate it, and she eats it anyway despite hating it too. Scrubbing the toilet with my toothbrush every time I say something rude to her.
What puts the fire out more then anything, are her tears.
I hate it so much when she cries. More then anything when it's my fault. Sometimes I can't fucking breath, sometimes I feel so dizzy thinking about the times I made her cry.
She deserves better then me. She deserves anyone but me.
Okay, Kai is excluded.
Anyone but Kai will do.
"I have changed Toya, we both have, there's no way I will ever be the Rei I was before, not after all we've been through, not after all the things we've done, seen, and felt.
"I killed someone, granted not in real life, but I did get blood on my hands as far as I'm concerned, there's a darkness in me too, you can't change that."
I roll my eyes, "Rei, the only darkness in you is how scary you are when it comes to the kids, and yeah sure, maybe you're willing to get your hands a little dirty to protect them and I wouldn't want that any other way, but you would never be a senseless slaughterer, you feel guilty for a dream death, you're still the innocent Rei I love."
She shifts uncomfortably in my arms, definite sign something is wrong.
I hold her tighter and we sit in silence until she's ready to open up to me.
"Toya I am not. I still killed someone, I still hurt them, I promised I would never do that and I did, a phantom kill is just as much a kill. How can I lead by example, or expect different acts from my kids, our kids?"
I kiss her, she's about to have a panic attack when she starts flaring her hands around the way she is when talking. Her anxiety attacks are contagious, I noticed I started getting similar attacks every now and then.
She takes a deep breath relaxing into the kiss.
I pull away and a tear drops from her eyes.
"Rei, I don't know what to tell you right now, I don't know what you need to hear, and I certainly don't know what to do, but you do, tell me what you're feeling, talk to me and maybe you'll know what you want to do."
She cries her heart out until she falls asleep, she always gets sleepy after crying.
~
The door opens after I change the babies twice as often as I would have in an 8 hour window. Rei is still sleeping, I'm glad for that, but now I'm exhausted.
"I think you need to sub out, get some rest." Kai says already hanging his jacket behind the door.
I nod my head taking my shoes off to squeeze in beside Rei, she chose a single room with a single bed, how lame.