"Crazy."
I threw my back against the back of the car seat. The copy of the pocket novel showing the end of chapter twelfth fell from my grip and tumbled shut near the gas pedal.
I put my forehead on the steering wheel. Trying to relieve nausea by arching the body while calming the heartbeat that is increasingly clouding the chaos in the head. Even with my eyes closed like this, I could hear how loud my chest was.
Okay. The oddities that have occurred in the last few days need to be sorted out slowly. From January 11th to October 7th, every second that I passed was by the novel's contents. During that time, I never acted as I pleased. Re-adapting to this second life wasn't difficult, but to be honest, I still felt restless.
My grip on the side of the steering wheel tightened.
As Danial said, I ask too many times for the time. The anxiety is getting worse every time I wake up. Even if it's a short sleep, worries always haunt me. I was afraid to wake up on the day the death sentence was carried out or maybe thrown back to a time when all my faith collapsed.
The novel is where I depend, especially when the memory of my first life seems to be missing in the details, just like when I watched breaking news this afternoon.
I've checked the chronology of accidents that connect PT. Earth Nails. The catastrophe appears in chapter twelve and ends at the end of the same chapter. I continued to trace it to chapter fifteen because I felt the story was too short. One of the most obvious is the scene when I sympathize with a woman with bloodstained eyes. That moment doesn't exist in the novel?!
The news cameraman managed to record a rare event in his previous life. While reporters were busy reporting on the current state of the crime scene, the last part of the narration was silenced by the voice of a woman screaming. The camera quickly sped up, highlighting the source of the screams coming from the back of an overturned car near the pavement. There, a woman was covering her face with both hands. Blood seeped from between her fingers. Three men rushed over. One is in police uniform and the other two are nurses.
Even though they tried to calm them down, the power of the woman's screams did not diminish at all. In fact, it sounds even worse. A wheeled bed came in carried by two additional medics. The woman's body was removed before the police officer covered the camera with his hands, forcing the television station operator to return the broadcast to a plain green-walled studio. A woman in a batik dress sat in the center of the screen. The live coverage is over. After that, the breaking news ended with a few closing words from the team in the studio.
At that moment I was carried away and unconsciously grimaced. But strangely, something as important as that is not listed in the novel!
Until I read it three times slowly, pointing at each word with my finger, the result was still nothing.
My breath is heavy.
I lowered my back even more to pick up the novel, which later ended up in shock when a fact flashed through my mind. The initial intention to save the story to the dashboard drawer was delayed.
Look how much I depend on this little thing. I even went so far as to make a second copy which I carry with me everywhere.
"Unlucky." Instead of putting the book in its place, I put it in the inner pocket on the left side of the blazer.
I immediately opened the note application as soon as I pulled the smartphone from the blazer pocket on the contrary. On the new work page, I typed all the irregularities that had occurred two days ago.
"On October 7, the Marsk affiliate was declared missing. But that username is not in the novel." My thumb stops. "What's more, huh?" My forehead furrowed deeper as my brain struggled to remember.
"Experiencing de javu in Irina's study. Looking at three close-up photos of Dara, Putra and Abimara." I compose sentences as simple as possible not to burden the thumb. "These three people are not in the novel, but I accidentally met Dara in the afternoon. Our meeting isn't in the novel either."
I made a new line again. "On the morning of October 8, I asked Melissa to talk. It's not in the novels."
My finger stopped moving again. One possibility flashed.
"Could it be the butterfly effect ?" My brows dipped sharply. "I always used to avoid Melissa. Is it because now…" I shook my head slowly as a voice in my mind refuted.
Not even by talking to Melissa, there is already a difference between your memories and the novel's contents.
"That is true." My head nodded to itself. "Since before October 7th, I've never strayed off track."
It took a few moments to write down the inner struggle just now. Just as I hit the save button in the top right corner of the screen, my head throbbed.
"Not now." I gently massaged the bridge of my nose while closing my eyes. "Please not now— shit !" I punched the steering wheel.
I opened the same dashboard in a hurry. There should be a headache reliever here.
"Damn!" I groaned. The emotion of not finding what I was looking for and giving up with the pain that was getting worse.
I didn't think about trying to get out of the car for help or calling the emergency call center for the rest of my consciousness. With my whole body shivering, I typed recording in the search field of the cellphone application.
"This is a follow-up to the October 8 notes." I paused to negotiate with suffocating shortness of breath.
"The accident involving PT. Spikes of the Earth are by the novel. But it happened today. Meanwhile, according to the novel and based on my memories," I immediately exhaled after drawing it quickly. "It happened in November."
The night breeze caressed the ends of my hair as I lowered the side window in half. The next thing I did was press the hazard light button, still painstakingly of course. My whole body feels numb. I can't even feel my feet and hands anymore.
Before my surroundings darkened, amidst the exhaustion and flaring of contradiction, I was strangely able to heave a sigh of relief at the last moment.
I think the last two things I remember could be true for some reason. I'm relieved that I managed to forcibly turn off the phone after my thumb thickened from pressing the power button with all my might, which means—this intelligent device will backup all critical files in the form of documents or recordings to my email. Or maybe, the feeling of peace was present because he had time to find the shadow of someone approaching.
I smile. I don't know if it can be realized in real or just in my imagination.
If it turns out that the person came to me with malicious intent, I'm not too worried. Every Alpha member vehicle, including private property, must have an alarm and GPS installed. Danial or the other members will save me soon.
If it was worse than that, I don't have any regrets. Everything related to the organization, my work as a psychiatrist or about novels, was kept in the safest place. Only I know the existence of that private email. At the same time, the device has been modified to explode automatically if the password is forcibly opened.
This time I managed to voice a chuckle. It's stupid if it's only in my mind.
I don't mind bringing them all to death. And I hope time doesn't go back to the beginning again.