Gosh!

I need a cold glass of water, 'cause I really don't know where to start from!

Just breathe...and calm...down. I can do this, alright?

Many a time I wonder if I'm the only one going through this. I am fed up, weary, totally jaded! I never chose this!

If only I could just have a word with Life, "What wrong have I done to you to deserve all of these? Why can't you be nice to me? I can't even apprehend a tip of what you call lesson. I wobble at your standards; I struggle to imagine you; I fumble at your stare; I stumble at your exams; and I crumble when you discipline!

You have caused me so much discomfort, exertion, strain, affliction, agony and torture!

You 'Lied' to me about your beauty, 'cause all you've shown me is your ugliness!

You 'Lured' me into coming to this so called paradise-world of yours, then I got to discover it was hell on earth!

You 'Incubated' me into becoming dejected, ejected and rejected!

Then you got me 'Incarnated' in this soft tissue of mine in the form of flesh - roasted by the flash, splash and lash of the sun as a result of my inability to afford a common medium or means of transportation!

You 'Forced' me to accept whatever it is I'm going through.

Also, you 'Fenced' me round about with crime, conflict, chaos and crisis!

Now I am 'Enslaved', 'Entangled' 'Encaged', 'Encamped', and 'Enveloped'. I am a prisoner in your world!"

They say "poverty is no sin", but I feel like I have done to life what cannot be forgiven;

"Everything comes to him who waits", and you know what? Everything has actually come to me - everything but good;

"They must hunger in winter that will not work in summer." Yet I work in both summer and winter and as well hunger in both!

"Failures are the Pillars of Success," right? On the contrary for me. Seems like all the Pillars built by my failures are more of heartaches, having no trail or track of progress.

I am indeed frustrated. I'm loosing it! I'm furious with the World, with Nature, the Universe - Time and Space. Life! Oh life!

Unlike some fortunate ones, who get elated, delighted and excited, seeing a new dawn, I on the other hand always wished the day never came, 'cause it's gonna be another day of clash, confusion, chaos, chasm, crisis, complexity, conflict, commotion, calamity and catastrophe. I am pretty convinced, certain that, just like other times, I'm definitely going to fidget, fumble, faulter, fail, fall and perhaps faint.

I wish I could go back to the womb whence I came. I would carefully stare at the world from within, for a quality duration, if it would favor me. I wouldn't be in a haste to surface. I probably might just decide not to even appear. Let it be l never existed.

Now, if plenty was a plague, then I would embrace this plague like a lover.

My life is an epitome of emptiness and enervation; a synopsis of sadness and sorrow; a paragon of peril and punishment.

All I ever wanted was for people to at least take me seriously. But then, the reverse was the case. Nobody ever saw a trail of something worthwhile in me, so I guessed that was my fate.

I accepted it the way it was; got adapted to the situation.

Home was supposed to be my place of solace and consolation, except that my dad made things worse.

"Big head!" Yes, that was what he would call me.

And sure, I would always go to the mirror to see for myself. A big, and an empty head was all I found in the mirror.

"Dad, why didn't you disallow a psychopath like me from being born?" I would ask in tears.

"No, you weren't born at all, you only forced yourself into this world which never was yours. And that killed your mother! You weren't told, huh? In attempt to save your life during birth, your mom's life went for it!" he exclaimed.

"So, you see, you are the bad luck here, from only - God - knows - where." This time, his eyes were filled with fury, about to devour me.

I gulped as sweat broke out down my head, in anguish, biting my lower lip as I, underneath my breath, cursed the day I was born.

Some teachers in my school would use stories about me to scare others into working hard so they wouldn't fail in life, or have a disastrous future.

"Do you wanna be a Big...head...?" they would threatened, even while I was right there in their midst. Everyone would laugh at me to scorn in mockery.

I would always lower my head while I walked, even when no one was around, 'cause I felt I had offended everyone and everything.

I felt the sun was too harsh on people because of me; or maybe it rained too hard, causing disruption inasmuch as I was existing; or perhaps the ground was too sturdy, not being able to allow fertility for the reason that I was breathing; better still, the trees failed to bear fruits just for my sake! Awkward, right?

Apparently, I was an enemy to all of nature (I disregarded myself that much). So, in order to make anyone or anything hate me the less, I would try as much as I could to be quiet, calm and soft; I would be so gentle on the ground (who knew, it might get offended by me being hard on it, and open, swallowing me up); I chewed fruits like I was making love to them, else, they could get mad and choke me, right?

Consequently, I would apologize to you for no just reason, even when you offended me. I owed everyone an apology, virtually every moment, which was why it would be fair enough that you hurt me as a part of my punishment.

Since I had nothing to pay you for my so called wrong doings, the least I could do was to let you make me as sadder as possible, 'cause you were the boss, and I would gladly accept it.

Did I have much of a choice?

Hmm... so, don't judge or blame me when I said I was fed up.

Life had treated me like I was some kind of lab chemicals, mixed up against each other.