Two Days Ago...
Kelvin had been avoiding me since yesterday. This morning, he didn't even come to pester me for breakfast. And during the breakfast, he didn't acknowledge my presence either.
I should be happy, but I was not.
I really messed up. He might be a jerk and an annoying machine sent to torture me, but he was still my brother. I shouldn't have said those horrible things to him.
"Maybe I should go apologies," I whispered softly to the cold air around me.
I lay lazily on my bed thinking about how my life became this complicated. I had never said things like that to him before. Most times we argued and I asked him to leave my room and that was it. I had never lost my patience like that before —I did think of horrible ways of harming him —but it never left the safety of my mouth. Never.
Ever.
Where did it all go wrong?
There were so many issues already in the house, I wouldn't want this Kelvin situation to make it all worst.
Why did I lose my patience?
Someone knocked on my door and the sound broke me from my thoughts. From the gentle force of the knock, I could tell it was my mum even before I opened the door.
Knowing it was my mum at the door, my heart started racing. Mum hardly came to my room. Whenever she did, it was never good.
Oh! Kelvin.
"Xena, can we talk?" She demanded the moment our eyes locked as I opened the door. Her eyes were swollen like she had been crying.
Angry tears.
Kelvin must have said something to her.
I slowly walked back to my bed, unable to answer her question. Dragging the time so my brain could think of a genuine excuse.
But it failed.
Anxiety held my tongue and fear blocked my brain nerves.
I was doomed.
This definitely had something to do with what I said to Kelvin yesterday.
Oh, God! I was in so much trouble.
I really shouldn't have said those cold words to him.
She pulled the chair beside my dressing table and positioned it in front of me, gently. All the while I could feel her eyes burning holes into my face. But I couldn't face her.
Not now.
"Xena, why did you say those things to your brother?" She asked calmly. The sort of calm that came right before a hailstorm.
My mum and I had never been like those fancy mother and daughter duos I read about in books. She cared about my personal life and safety like every other mother did, but that was it. It ended there.
With Kelvin, the emotional bond between them was unmeasurable. She supported him with every silly prank idea. She sponsored his stupid inventions —even if they always failed -she gave him extra slices of bread every time he requested them during meals but she shot me a warning look whenever I did the same. She looked at him with so much love in her eyes.
I wanted it too.
This made me always struggle to please her even if technically I was the better child.
Yes, I was.
I didn't cause much trouble —except in rare situations like this or cases where Mr. Olaf decided to pick on me.
Pleasing her and gaining her love was all I worked really hard for and seeing her this angry with me over something I really did wrong, broke my heart into thousand pieces. All my hard work had gone down the drain.
Why did I say those things to him?
"Young lady, I asked you a question," she repeated slowly. Her harsh voice brought me back hard into the present situation. I really messed up.
What came over me?
She wasn't shouting, but her voice echoed in my room —or was it just in my head?
Guilt was starting to eat me up from the inside and tears were threatening to spill. My throat was dried up and making out a sentence became an impossible task.
"Mum, I-" I tried to explain myself but she interrupted me. I felt so helpless. My dad was the only one who could have solved the situation. But he wasn't here.
"Do not mum me! How could you be so cruel? After everything going on in this house. How could you wish that to your only brother?" She screamed out in anger. This time she was shouting.
My dad and I had a better relationship. He protected me. He protected us. All of us. I could see it in his eyes that he cared about Kelvin and me, equally.
But all that didn't matter right now. Now, I had to explain myself.
I recognized that I really was cruel. But I didn't mean it.
"Mum, I didn't-" Again, I got interrupted by her. My face was drooped low in shame. I couldn't face her. I really messed up.
I really messed up!
"You didn't what? Mean it? Is that it? How could you be so heartless? So thoughtless!"
Each of her words enlarged the guilt-eating monster in my chest. I hated myself.
I really messed up.
Dad where are you?
No.
On second thought my dad would be extremely disappointed in me if he found out what I said to Kelvin.
"I am sure if Kelvin was the one who got chosen, you would have been very happy!"
Chosen?
"Why? Xena, why? All Kelvin has ever done is love you and how do you repay him?" She seized my arms and shook me as she screamed in my face in pain.
I couldn't move. I couldn't think. Everything she said refused to register in my head. It simply refused to pass over my tear-soaked face to my brains. Only one question kept playing in my head.
The one who got chosen?
"The moment you were born I knew I was in much trouble, Xena! I just knew it!"
The one who got chosen?
Chosen for what?
"Chosen?" I questioned, finally voicing out my inner thoughts. "Chosen for what?" I asked, this time regaining a bit of confidence to look at her in the face but my voice still shook as I spoke. I sniffed and waited for her to respond.
There was still anger in her features. Her cheeks were glistening with a mixture of moisture from her sweat glands and the angry tears spilling down her flushed cheeks.
Her eyes were in slits and bloodshot. Under different circumstances, I would have thought she looked like an overheated train about to release choked-up gas into the atmosphere.
But It truly was a different circumstance.
She had said something she shouldn't have and she knew it too the moment my question registered in her head. She released my arms and got up briskly from the chair.
"Do not ask me questions! You have never liked your brother! And all for what?" She demanded. She wiped the tears from her face and that was when I saw it.
She was fidgeting.
"Mum, what am I chosen for?" I repeated, ignoring her attempts of changing the course of the argument.
Her fidgeting stance had increased my confidence and reactivated back my frozen brain. It was time I got to the bottom of it all. Whatever was going on, I was certain at this moment that it was all connected to that word.
Chosen.
She stared long at me. Too long.
I lost hope.
I wished I had the strength to throw a tantrum and shake the answers out of her. But I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough.
Somehow, I knew this was the answer to why she couldn't love me like she loved Kelvin. This was the reason why she thought having me as her daughter was a problem.
Why?
My heart broke again and again at that particular moment. Tears threatened to spill out but I held back. I allowed the pain to consume me from inside. My chest shook, but no tears came.
Why?
It felt like my whole life was played right in front of my eyes and I saw my mum give a million kisses to Kelvin but never to me. Not even once.
Why?
All I ever got were air kisses and goodbyes. Never a physical one. Not once.
Why?
A lone tear trailed down my left eye and more tears got stuck in at the pain. "What am I chosen for? Why am I chosen? who am I?" My voice sounded foreign even to my own ears. My inner sobs manifested themselves in my voice. I was devastated.
She gave me another long stare and pain flashed in her eyes.
In that little instance when I thought she'd finally hug me and tell me that none of what I was thinking was true, she turned around and reached for the door.
"Apologise to your brother," she said firmly and left my room. She left me to my own internal suffering and her words replayed themselves in my head.
'How could you be so heartless? So thoughtless!'
I had been truly heartless and thoughtless.
'How could you wish that to your only brother?'
Her words touched my very soul. They pulled at my very existence. They attacked my heart with so much pain. It felt like huge portions of my heart were scratched out of its place.
'You have never liked your brother! And all for what?'
"Mum... but I love Kelvin," I cried to myself. I collapsed on my bed. My tears flowed freely. They trailed down my cheeks and it became too painful to draw breaths.
I really did love my brother. Yes, he was annoying and very irritating, but I loved him. But mum didn't love me. She never did. All because of that word.
Chosen.
The word replayed itself in my head again.
Chosen.
What could I be chosen for?