"I have actually been thinking while biking…"
"Are you still on your bike?"
"I just stop to sit and rest."
"How did it go?"
"I'm sorry if I made you feel anxious. It just got too overwhelming. So, I needed to make sure about something…"
"About us?"
"About me…"
There is a silent on the other end of the line. I am trying to calm myself. What now? Am I really ready?
"And did you think hard about it?"
"I did. But something tells me, I just wasted my time thinking. Because I just came full circle and ended up to where I'm supposed to be in the first place…"
"What do you mean?"
I parked my bike by the side of his apartment building and rang the buzzer to his apartment. I'm still on my phone and I know he can see me through his door monitor.
"It's me…" I wave my hand on the camera.
There is an awkward silence when he opened the door to this flat. I know he is waiting for me to elaborate my statement. I put down my gym bag. Trying to ease my way in.
"Do you need anything? Water, coffee, wine?" he offered. But he seems restless.
"How are you?" I am really curious how he must have felt. He let out a smile.
"I should be the one asking you that…"
"I'm sorry if I made you anxious..."
"I'm sorry if I made you feel overwhelmed." He answered.
Why would he have to be this perfect? Why am I so stupid to have to reconsider my feelings? I look at him longingly, he must have had a hard day. Although, he still looked as handsome as ever in his denim pant and white shirt. He is mine. Did I ever really doubt that?
"It has been a long day… Soo-ah told me you called her, she passed by the loft, I needed to talk to her. Sorry, I didn't come prepared. I just came from the training center. I thought I would just bike for a while. I might have enjoyed tasting all those street foods by the park. I didn't notice I have been biking all the way here." I mindlessly rattled on. He approached me and hold my hands.
"You're cold…" he stated. He ushered me to the sofa, covered me with the blanket and offered me some tea.
"I'm sorry. I was scared." I confessed, still unable to meet his eyes.
"Hey. No sorrys remember?" He is now sitting beside me, trying to calm my nerves.
"I almost just shut down and escape. I thought I was brave enough to face anything by now. But I just realized that I'm not the courageous and confident as I thought I am." I started confessing. He looked at me, now with a worried reaction, I avoided his gaze.
"What's wrong?" he is almost hesitant to ask.
"I was too overwhelmed that the realization of this relationship made me so scared. I doubted myself, I doubted about my feelings…not just because you're moving too fast. I was scared because I can't catch up. Because all the time I have spent overthinking about a lot of things, I am falling behind. And I'm feeling guilty that I might drag you down. I am scared because you might get tired of being understanding and patient…" my voice breaks. He pulled me closer and wrapped me in an embrace. I wanted to relish this moment, but I am not done.
"I will never be tired of understanding you. I will never get tired of you… Didn't we promise to be scared together?" he stroked my back. I got out from his embrace; he has a look of concern on his eyes. I don't want to lose my momentum. I am never the affectionate one, so I wanted to make sure that when I'm being cheesy, I have to go all the way.
"It's only now that it's beginning to sink in, we are in this relationship together, aren't we? And I was just mindlessly enjoying every moment of it, regardless of the responsibility that entails. I thought we can just have ordinary days, only a series of todays without tomorrows to just enjoy each other, but then I realize, we have other people around us. Your family who might not accept me, my son who you have not even met yet, my family that you needed to get to know and the reality of our lives together and separately. These are the thoughts that flooded my mind when I saw that space you've created for me in your closet. It became too overwhelming, it suddenly all became real…"
"So, I needed to breath, I needed time alone to think and take it all in. I'm sorry if I have pushed you back momentarily…" I can sense that he wanted to talk, to answer, to reassure me of some things. "Let me just say everything, I just need you to listen, for now…"
"I'm done thinking. I told you. I have been thinking all day and I realize that no matter how hard I thought, it's all futile. Because I don't need my thoughts to guide me into something that my heart knows perfectly sure of and I ended up exactly where I should be…" I am still avoiding his eyes.
"I'm giving in because my mind is too tired of fighting it, I'm giving in to what my heart wants. For the first time in a long time, I would entrust my life once again to what this heart wants, because it is too tiring to fight it, I'm giving in…." I stated.