It has been almost five years when my life took a drastic turn. I'm used to it now; I am on my last semester of my PhD and I can finally fulfill my life-long dream. I know it's just a petty dream to add a title before your name. But it has been a promise I made to myself and to the memory of my dad. I have never changed my name even when I was married, because I know this day would come, when the name I was born with will be upgraded to something else. When I will finally have a Dr.Ph to it, more than the financial success of our family business, is the pride that comes with the title. An honor of gaining it through hard work, patience and determination.
Five years ago, I could have never imagined I will come to this point. I almost have everything anyone can ever dream of. Five years ago, when I almost ended everything, I have never thought as far ahead to this. That was a heck of a year, but I managed to pull through. Although, psychologically scarred, I learned how strong and fearless I can be.
The thought of that year still haunts me somehow. Depression. It's not funny. It's real. I just turned 31. When you get older, you'll realize how irrelevant it is having to count your years; I have not given much thought of how old I am lately, as much as how I have been enjoying the experiences of my life. I finally let myself go from the standards of a conventional society. I am happy and content. If there's one thing I regretted to this point is not knowing what could have happened three years ago if I haven't left after that night. Why should I be too uptight? I might have broken free from the judgment of convention, but I subjected myself to a harsher set of rules I created.
I am now on my last semester of my PhD and fate really have a funny way to work sometimes. I'm going to spend my last semester at Seoul National University. Since, my research focuses on East Asian culture specializing on the emergence of South Korean pop culture into a global phenomenon, I will spend my final dissertation as a visiting lecturer at the Department of Humanities and Communication simultaneously. My PhD is a joint research between SNU and Copenhagen University. I expected this moment since I decided to focus on this topic, but I have not really thought about the idea of seeing him. Didn't they say, you won't have a life once you start your PhD?
For the past three years, I have been to Seoul four times, attending seminars and visiting Prof Kim along the way. I gave too much credit to fate, but fate never allowed me to meet him not even once. I saw him at the news once but that's about it. I have been too busy with the research and studying; with the family business and as a mother, that I manage to not dwell on memories of him so much. But when thoughts linger, it somehow fills up a huge empty hole in my heart.
I decided to let fate take control. How arrogant can I be? Am I really hoping that we are fated to each other? Why could I not just give in to whatever it is I'm feeling that time? No, I'm much too cool for that. I suggested to be stupid and decided to move on with our lives and hopelessly wishing that one day if we are ever really meant to be together, we will decide by then. I didn't even know if he agrees to it, or how he felt about it. He could have moved on, and that night wasn't really as special to him as it was for me. He could just be as I thought of him from the start, a player.
How hopelessly romantic I've become. I did date twice, but none of them really excite me or even warrant any attraction to go all the way. There was still occasional flirting but that's how far I could go. I don't want to trouble my son to know different men in my life, so I never even let them meet him. I stopped when I realize I can't continue doing it not only for myself but for Marcus as well. He is smart enough to know that mama would love other man, he accepted his baba's new wife and easily considered her a new mom. She's good to him, and I could not be happier.
My son will be staying with his father's family while I'm in Seoul, we agreed for a compromise, Marcus needed stability and for now, his father's family can give him that. It's hard to accept it, but I stopped beating myself up long ago, for the fact that I haven't become the ideal mom, that many, even myself thought I could have been. He was right all along; I was not ready to be a family person.
Being in Seoul right now, in an unfamiliar environment, within his world makes me think of him. It's not hard to be single. I felt free and empowered. If only I have not met him, I would have said I felt complete. But since, I knew how it could feel, a life with someone you're longing to touch and feel and see and stare lovingly and just spend a mundane time with, I will never feel really complete.
A lot has change for the last 3 years, like the world is telling me to move on. Soo-ah, my ever-loyal assistant graduated at the University of Copenhagen with her master's degree in Psychology now she is an intern at SNUs Neuropsychiatry Department hoping to be a doctor.
Everything is moving forward when it comes to other aspects of my life but with the subject of the heart, I'm still caught up in the past. Sometimes, I think that I probably wanted it to be hard, to have a challenge because if it would have been easy, it might have been broken long time ago.