He suddenly stands up and seat beside me. Hold my face, and my eyes meet his glare. I'm trembling, I felt the rush of warm blood goes to my face. Like as if I'm drunk without even taking a sip of that wine.
"Physical attraction, like this…." And his lips met mine seemingly hungry for the taste of the soft luscious flesh. I gathered all my rational thoughts and slapped him hard.
"That won't prove anything as to why I will care about this situation. I can kiss anyone I'm attracted to and it won't matter, why would it be different with you!" I yelled. This is my first kiss with another man other than my ex-husband for a long time.
But he smiled, which puzzled me, amidst the moment of confusion. He smiled with that annoying smile it made my heart flutter. I forgot how it feels like to kiss someone, it felt different, the good kind of different.
"You know you feel it too, but you are just over your head, you refuse to accept it. Say it again, tell me you don't care because you will not see me again, and I will go." He boldly dared. I put my head down, I don't want to meet his eyes. He talked like he has known me for ages.
"Wow. I can't believe how overly confident you are. Leave. Just go." I wanted to dismiss him immediately.
I don't have the power to push him further. I just hope he would just go, otherwise I cannot control myself any longer. This is probably what they've been calling falling deep into an abyss. I know there's something special about him, how could I not feel that we barely even know each other but my heart can't even behave properly by his mere closeness.
"I'm just trying to help you figure your heart out. Clearly, even you don't know what it likes, yet." He stressed on the word, yet, like as if it will make a difference.
"Come on, now. Don't make this bigger than it seems. Let's stop it here, right now. Since, there's nothing to hold on to. We should not complicate things." I begged him.
"I never thought it's a coincidence the way we met, I felt like I've known you my whole life. I liked you from the moment I laid my eyes on you, I never thought it was even possible. At that subway platform, looking too preoccupied, you are just mesmerizing, probably the reason why I can't seem to concentrate buying that ticket. Last night, when we talked, I felt too comfortable around you." He handed me something, a paper, I took a peak and I recognize my handwriting right away, I cannot even remember it, but I know that's mine. And I'm puzzled why he is being cryptic as to how he knew me that much.
"I may not know your whole story, but this heart flutters whenever I think of you. I am also not sure why, but I guess it has its own reason that only it knows about. Fill your life with meaningful experiences, those that make you happy at the moment might not be the skills that you'll hone but the emotions that make you courageous to do more and be more out of life. Aren't those your own words?"
If he won't stop this lengthy confession, I might just as well jump into his arms now. Because I'm beginning to waver. I have been vulnerable for long time, even before my divorce was finalized. I haven't felt this feeling of being treated special.
"I would have expected for you to be more truthful to your feelings rather than more calculative with whatever it is that's keeping you terrified." I can feel the hurt in his voice, it's like a knife to my heart but I just sit there not even brave enough to look at him. His words are truthful and confident. I have never imagined that he would know me just by that letter.
"You are way too good to be this clingy. I'm sorry, I don't think I deserve you…" I still tried hard to keep my reason. I should not be too impulsive on this sort of situation.
"Be well, Ara Rivera…" he stood up and headed to the door.
Did he just confess and leave? My heart is beginning to sink. Am I beginning to waver? Do I have feelings towards him? Is it even possible to have this kind of feeling to someone I just met? Am I just being carried away because of fluttery or the thought that someone like him even feel strongly towards someone like me? My heart can't contain it, this is the most insecure I've felt for a long time, probably because of helplessness and uncertainty or because I have not regained enough self-confidence ever since my marriage fell apart. I thought I will feel in control with my emotions by now. But for some reason at this moment, I felt baffled.
The feeling of might have been rushes through me when I heard the door closed. And moments later, as if I was struck by lightning, I came to my senses. I hurriedly ran towards the door, hoping he is still there. I need to tell him how I feel, I'm certain of it. Even if it won't work for us or even if it's just a momentarily surge of desire, I will not regret this moment and the way it makes me feel excited and hopeful. I don't need to think about what will happen or if something will ever happen. I just need to tell him how I feel at this particular moment. Who cares what will happen after this?
I should know better by now not to suppress my emotions. I am at the door debating what to do, holding back, thinking if I should go after him or just let him go. As I opened the knob, he is still there on the other end. It seems like he is waiting for me too. He knew I would waver; he knew how I feel. And that moment, we just let the emotions took over. There are no what ifs, we just don't want to miss the thought of what could have been. And I knew then that I made the choice for my happiness, it might not be the right one at that time, but it is a very meaningful one.