I can't remember when I started dancing. It's always just been the one thing that felt like second nature.
But I'm sure that when I discovered it, I fell in love.
And over the years, it continued to feel like flight,a taste of joy and recently even started becoming an escape from everything I didn't have the courage to face.
During the schools' ski trip last winter, I dislocated an ankle joint.
An accident that landed my leg in a cast.
So my entire spring entailed making trips to the physiotherapist, and practically starring at the walls of a house that had started to feel like my personal prison.
After the abrupt end to my dance training resulted in a sick leave that no one had seen coming, I was happy to be waking up in my old dorm room again. The day I'd been looking forward to for months had finally arrived; my return to Walnut Hill School. It felt like experiencing that first ray of sunshine after a storm.
I'd been given the same small and plain room that I had occupied before I left. It had a twin bed, small built-in closet and a desk with a computer.
My few belongings sat in boxes around the room.
The dancers' dorm was among the first buildings you laid your eyes on from the entrance. While the rest could be found scattered around the entire campus.
These living arrangements were based on convenience.
Being here kept us, dancers, closer to our training halls.
And I had an entire room to myself because there was a small number of dancers, let alone girls in the entire school.
Jumping out of bed,I headed down the hallway to take a quick shower. Then I had on loose pants tied at the waist and a tank top. I stared at my reflection on the full-length mirror as I combed my dark hair. With it pulled brutally back into a ponytail, an energy bar I'd gotten from the vending machine in the lobby and backpack slung over my shoulder -I was ready for anything the day would throw my way.
I stepped out to a seventy-five degree Natick day- the sky was a perfect, cloudless blue. Few birds flitted by, singing their greetings to the rising sun. I was at least half an hour early. The place was quiet, except for the early birds here and there.
I pushed the entrance doors to the hall I used to dance in, making a smile break on my face as all the memories I'd made in there sprang to mind. The inside of it looked the same too, just like the rest of the campus did.
Closing the doors behind me, I returned to the hallway, reading one poster on the wall to the next. As per usual school tradition, there'd be a 'welcome back' dance that coming Friday evening. Where everyone would actually play dress up and let their hair down for the night, before the hard work for the rest of the semester actually began. I looked forward to this. There were countless other ones; some announcing events, others inviting artists to partake in various competitions. From dance,to music, theater, visual arts, all the way to writing and media arts.
"If it isn't Brianna Whitlock" a voice I would've recognized in my sleep called out from behind me.
It was the voice of my best friend- Jasmine Carlton.
I turned around to find a scowl on her face, as she asked in an accusatory tone "how come I didn't know you were returning today?"
She didn't.
When I got the green light from the doctor last week, I decided I'd just surprise everyone.
"Surprise!" I grinned as I turned around to hug her.
Finally pulling away, she couldn't resist being her usual inquisitive self "Okay wait, are you okay? When did you-"
"Hey, none of that Spanish inquisition" I playfully chastised her, cutting off her line of questioning, "All that matters is that I'm back in the land of the living".
"Yes,you are!" she hugged me again, already brimming with the joy that I too felt inside.
Walking down the hallway,arm linked with hers, I wondered "so what's with the dress up?"
A group of girls from my class exiting the locker room,bouncing in colourful outfits was what had caught my attention.
"Advanced placement tryouts are today, you know how it gets" she told me.
Damn it. I'd completely forgotten about that. In my eagerness to return, I hadn't even given myself the time to glance at the school calendar. In my mind, I had expected today to be business as usual.
"All dancers trying out for advanced placement class, report to dance hall number three" an announcement rang through the speakers as we cut through the homeroom, making us come to as standstill.
"You want to watch,or resume our tour?"
I wasn't prepared for this. But I knew everyone from my class would be auditioning, so sitting through the reminder of everything I had missed was inevitable.
"If I'm gonna have to make up for the lost time, I may as well see beforehand what I'm up against" I said as we made a U-turn right there and then.
As expected, the hall was crawling with people. This particular day was infamous for putting all lessons across campus on hold.
So even students from the lower classes came through to watch their older siblings, the seniors they looked up to and some came just for the entertainment.
After offering 'hi's' here and there, and enduring a few ' welcome back's' from a few familiar faces at the hall entrance- we proceeded, until we found seats in the middle of a row that wasn't yet fully occupied.
"Christopher's got his eyes on you" Jasmine teased as she nodded towards the far end of the same row.
"I mean,how can he look away?" I said with a flip of my ponytail and we both giggled.
Christopher was a boy who had been interested in me before I left, and had made it no secret.
Even though among my group of friends I was known for my charisma and how I could be a big flirt, I hadn't really been able to return his feelings. Or anyone else's for that matter.
While secretly keeping his hopes up, in what he thought was a subtle manner-he settled for friendship.
I thought my 'skiing stunt went wrong' would have made me lose a few coolness points by now, but apparently not. A subject of his interest and attention I still was.
Deciding that a wave from the far end of the row wasn't enough; he came to join us with Jason-another good friend of mine- in tow.
"Whitlock!" Jason exclaimed sitting to my right, "finally back from vacation huh?"
"You know it" I joked back in our familiar light way.
"This place wasn't the same without your smile" Chris piped in, a goofy grin on his face.
Looking around the hall with a mocking upside down smile, I told him "I can tell".
Our playful bantering was ended by the arrival of four instructors. Seeing them pull seats from behind the table just in front of the first row, we all knew that they'd be the ones assessing the performances.
"Who's the new face?" I whispered to them, curious about the fourth unfamiliar face.
"New dance instructor, started about two months ago when Madam Moore retired".
She had retired? "Such a loss for the dance community" I muttered in disappointment. The woman had been among the best instructors I had ever been trained by. She was in her late fifties when I left, but good God, she had been tough for her age.
"Don't worry, new face is probably not that bad" Jason commented,nudging my shoulder with his.
"I actually hear the guy is a maestro on the dance floor" Chris affirmed.
"Seen it for yourself?" I asked.
"I'm a violinist,what would I be doing in a dance class?"
I chuckled seeing his point.
"So, all this about his magic feet is hearsay then,yes?"
I've always enjoyed taunting him.
Shrugging, he countered "you know how fast the gossip game is around here"
We all laughed at this. Because he was right, I knew. I also happened to know that every story changed at least twice, with every listener it was told to.
So at the end of the day those who hadn't experienced or witnessed it for themselves, ended up buzzing the entire campus with different exaggerated versions of what had really happened.
Or maybe, my skeptism was at play here. There was a lot on the line and the idea of working with someone new made my nerves skyrocket.
At that point, the only thing I knew about the stranger was that he was too damn good looking for his own good.
His maestro status on the other hand, was yet to be seen.
"Settle down everyone", Madam Richardson - our senior instructor called the audience to order. She announced that the auditions were about to start. Rules were read out to us, and even though I'm sure everyone already knew them-we listened anyway.
I've always found the combination of music and dance beautiful. Something magical even.
But watching one candidate after the next move gracefully with the music across the floor, reminded me of everything I had lost. I nolonger just saw people I knew, but realized how far behind I was.
I was nolonger an equal. This hall was nolonger my home.
Everything looked the same as I remembered, and maybe it was.
But I knew something was different with my life - I now walked around with the knowledge that I nolonger fit in.
Because of my injury, I had become a spectator - watching what had once been my life from the sidelines.
I returned to the dancers' dorm after the tryouts. I spent what was left of the day sulking, ignoring both Jasmine and Chris' attempts to draw me out of my room. It was ironic that I'd want to stay inside, considering how much I had been itching to be out the past few months.
I rummaged through the boxes that held my belongings, pulling out a t-shirt to sleep in. While doing so, I found a framed picture of Jasmine and I that was taken just before my accident.
It should probably be placed in an art gallery with the caption 'few seconds before disaster', I thought to myself sourly as I placed it on my desk. Deciding that getting it over with was the best thing to do with my time, I unpacked the rest of the boxes. When everything was right where it was supposed to be, the place felt like home again. And that thought alone, enveloped me with the comfort I needed to carry me through everything that was yet to come.