[POV: Author]
[Location: Headquater of the Generic Main Character Creator]
[Current vital status: Dead on the in and outside.]
I was dead, kind of… in a way. My body was toast, my brain empty and my soul was rotten. Yet, I still was able to think about things and feel these strong emotions. There was a tsunami of regret over not winning 10000 dollars.
I did not care about the why and how's in regards to this strange afterlife. Lookie here, this guy here ain't paid for doing a whole lotta thinking. I was a writer, not a… what was the word again? Something which sounded totally smart. I was a, a, a non-having brain person.
The first thing that greeted my virgin eyes was a computer as old as time itself. Before man had banged 2 rocks together to make a fire, there was this piece of modern technology.
It was more of a murder weapon. Their only users were a select group of people called "boomers". Boomers referred to the loud clapping of their cheeks, which alerted the guards
The boomer species was a dying breed.
Once they had ruled over the entire planet, now their territory has been claimed by the Karens and Kyles. After losing any battle, the wounded boomer would leave their local herd and find a place to die.
These final resting places were otherwise known as nursing homes. Their death supported the local casket ecosystem. The once noble creature died the way it came to this world─with cheeks being clapped.
The flock of hipsters( up to 420 members) would then blaze their ashes and return them to Momma Earth. Thus the cycle of life had begun again.
The hipsters giveth and taketh.
Suddenly, the computer was blinking and attracting all of my attention; it was as if I had no idea how to continue from the previous thoughts.
On the screen, a pop-up window had appeared. It read as follows. " Greetings, subject 111111111111111111111111111111 before we can begin your main character evaluation we do require some basic information about you. Please enter your credit card information below."
After typing in the sacred numbers, the test could finally begin.
Of course, as a frequent sailor of the Interwebs, I knew that a random computer asking for my credit card information was really trustworthy.
The last one gave me many "funny" adult movies in return. Even more entertaining websites arrived per email. My email folder might call it spam, but in my heart, they were not.
They taught me very good English. They are my family. They are the ones to listen when no one else would. The Nigerian Princes made me the Author that I am today. So, even if the world hated them I fully knew that I could trust these strange pop-up windows.
Another window appeared thanking me for sacrificing my soul, money and firstborn to the unholy Corpse Throne.
"Please speak your answers loud and clearly. A cold, robotic echoed through the nearly empty void. A cheap microphone was thrown in an unsuspecting face-mine- and the test could finally begin.
" Do you carry the name of |author|?"
Before I could answer the next question was already blared out from somewhere.
" Do you know that Japan is suffering from a ninja shortage?"
Okay, I did not know that. But the next questions came again.
"Do you know that "Arachibutyrophobia" is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth? Do you know that there's a planet that's shaped like a potato? Did you know that there is a museum for toilets? Did you know that the author is copying and pasting fun facts he found on the Internet? Do you know that your funny bone is actually a nerve? Do you know that the average person will spend six months of their life waiting for red lights to turn green? Do you know that the inventor of the frisbee was turned into a frisbee after he died? Do you know that the punctuation mark ?! is called an interrobang. Do you know that the German word "Kummerspeck" means weight gained from emotional eating? Do you know that 99.99 % of readers on WN suffer from a serious case of Bullshitteritis─ a serious disease causing bad stories to be read? Do you know that most people have simply skipped these long messages by now? Do you know that those people did not get the point this whole wall of text was going to have? Do you know that reading this long passage increases your attractiveness by 100 points? Do you also know that the word titties is magically going to attract a lot of attention for no reason whatsoever? Here let me show you.
"Titties"
Do you know, that the readers will now wonder what exactly they missed by skipping the entire thing? Do you know that most will without a doubt not read it again to find out? Do you know that….
I gotta admit I was not listening after the word titties dropped. My mind was elsewhere. The point the computer was going to make, must have been the hypnotic effect of titties. That must have been it.
Maybe this truly was just a dream and God was telling me what was needed to win an anime adaptation; titties we needed titties.
I thanked the wise computer from the bottom of my greedy-for-money heart. It had shown me da wae.
Titties would take the novel world by storm.
Oh, the computer has been rambling on for several minutes now. It sure had a lot to say about the most important thing in the world.
But as a dead/alive author, I knew better than to listen. Through the power of imagination, everything would certainly make sense.
Let's think about it logically, the PC asked for my name first. Then it went on a rant about boobies. Okay, that left only one conclusion open. The PC must have told me to invest in its cryptocurrency.
Titcoin to the moon, damn I loved it.
Well, nothing in particular happened; but rest assured, his real story was about to begin…right?