Eva took a breath as she finished her breakfast. She didn't deserve to be treated so kindly after the way she treated Lucas the day before.
The usual quiet movements she had grown used to were louder than before. She looked up and saw Lucas with a deep frown on his face.
For her to see any emotion on his face was rare, and he was not hiding his face beneath his hood as usual. She looked down and saw the reason for the noise.
'His hands are shaking.'
The scene made her heart fall into her stomach.
'I did this.'
She set aside her now empty bowl and settled near Lucas. He did not seem to notice her presence.
'How do I fix this?'
Eva bit her lip and tried to think of what she could do. Her mind went to what had happened after the wolf attacked her.
'I… I can't just embrace him…'
Her cheeks felt warm. Eva looked into Lucas' face and she paused.
'I know that look.'
His eyes were filled with fear. Before her thoughts had time to process this new information her hand had already reached out to stop him.
The warmth of his hand felt familiar and warm. She wanted to feel more warmth and found herself falling onto his chest.
The same chest that she would unconsciously tuck into when he carried her. The same chest that had stopped her in her tracks the day before.
She couldn't stop now, she needed to apologize for her actions the day before.
"Lucas, I want to apologize for being so harsh with you yesterday. I was not myself. I…"
Taking a deep breath she finished her apology.
"I am sorry for what I said yesterday. Please forgive me!"
The last bit came out more of a yell, but she could not help herself. She was being affected by the warmth of his chest.
A moment passed and she worried that he would not accept her apology. As she began to panic she felt his arms around her and his head fell onto her shoulder.
'So-o close.'
"Of course."
His warm voice made her heart skip a beat. The tension she felt in his body faded instantly. He took a deep breath and his breath tickled her neck where her hair was swept to the side.
The scent she was trying to ignore assaulted her senses. Her mind went blank. Sometimes there were moments like this with Lucas.
It felt like everything around them faded away and all that there was were the two of them. A tear fell down her cheek.
She should be done crying, since she had cried so much the day before. It wasn't that she did not love Lucas, she just knew that she could not let her goals go.
'Ah. This is what true love was supposed to feel like. Bittersweet.'
She thought of a million different ways to escape from this situation but she just rested her head on his shoulder and let the silent tears fall.
Lucas had no idea that she had decided to lock her heart away from him. The least she could do was treat him kindly.
He deserved so much more than what she could give him right now. The baggage she carried would follow her until she was able to restore her honor and avenge her family.
They were not a family that was worth the effort, but they were her family. She wanted to do right by them, and maybe when she was done…
'No, I can't string him along for "maybe, one day".'
Elves lived long lives. Her goals could take a lifetime to achieve. It was better this way.
The next breath she took got stuck in her throat and Lucas' warm embrace tightened around her. How cruel was she to make him console her after she had made this decision?
'It is okay. I can be cruel if it means that my parents can finally rest peacefully.'
The words she wanted to say stayed in her heart. She whispered them to herself, so Lucas could not hear.
"Lucas, I love you. I have wanted to say this for a long time. I am sorry I can't give you my love now. I wish that our lives were different. That our lives were simpler.
'You don't know how many times I have wanted to accept your affection with anything but guilt. I don't care that you are an elf and I am a human. Love is love.
'I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, whatever that means. I wish I could throw away the burdens of my family and my honor for you.'
The tears came out more heavily this time. Lucas had started rubbing calming circles on her back.
'He must think I am an emotional wreck.'
A slight smile played on Eva's lips. She loved the way he comforted her. Still she must keep those words in her heart and not utter them aloud for him to hear.
She knew he would accept her for what she was and follow her anywhere. That was just the kind of person that he was.
They had been traveling for months now, so she knew exactly the kind of person he was. The hand that had been clutching his cloak while she let out her last set of tears brushed away the tears on her face.
She needed to be strong now. If she was lucky, then, one day, she would be able to return to these feelings and cultivate them, but for now she needed to look forward.
"And here I thought I was done crying. I am sorry once again. Oh no, your cloak got wet."
Her almost cheery voice didn't fool either of them. The noble mask she had almost forgotten about was back on her face.
"Are you ok?" Lucas asked while reaching up to cup her cheek.
Eva turned her face away. She wanted more than anything to allow him to touch her, but she could not.
"I will be. It is already so late in the day. We should probably start our training now."
Eva shuffled away from Lucas and got to her feet. The loss of warmth felt colder than the worst winter night.
She purposely directed her eyes away from his expression. Eva knew what she would find there and right now she could not handle it.
******
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