I wake up to the feel of lips on my neck, shower of soft kisses all over my neck and face. I open my eyes and I'm met with blue.
"Good morning," he whispers softly.
"Good morning," I respond sleep in my voice.
He holds me still looking at me and I stretch feeling all the aches on my body. My head is no longer aching so I take that as a good sign that it is indeed a good morning.
"Let's go cook you breakfast," He tells me. I make a move to get out of bed but he stops me.
"No, let me go prepare and bring it to you."
I fall back on the bed and he tucks me in and gives me a peck, "You be a good girl, I am coming."
When he is gone, I turn on my side and try to close my eyes, to fall back asleep. I try to go back to the dream I was having, but it doesn't work obviously. I take deep breaths and try to forget all about it but I can't. Even thinking about it makes me ache inside. I was dreaming about Chase and thinking it was him who was waking me up with kisses just a few minutes ago.
I didn't even show a hint of it because I know what happens when I try to do something different. I am getting good at hiding what I really feel or think and I am glad.
In the past, the lack of having a poker face cost me a tooth. Another time it cost me a black eye. And before that, something else i cant keep track anymore. So this is an actual win. Isn't it funny how people define their wins and what they consider wins?
I used to define my wins so differently before too. I could classify buying myself a pair of jimmy Choos a win. Life back then was so simple yet so beautiful. The struggles of day to day lives; like not knowing what to eat because you can't make a decision, to the bigger struggles like being late on paying your bills. Someone might say that I am admiring a life that is constantly on struggles but it is everything compared to feeling dead.
It makes you feel alive, because you get to deal with these things. I used to admire and fantasize about the life I have right now, without knowing everything comes with its own price. I can't remember what it felt like, living life like you just aren't going through the motions.
I smell something delicious and Trevor comes with a tray full of delicious food. My stomach grumble and I realise how hungry I actually am. It has been three weeks since I had a decent meal.
"This is all your favourites. I felt like we should celebrate." He tells me as he sets it on the bed. I go for an apple while he pours me tea.
"Celebrate? "I ask him.
"Yes. You feel so much better and we actually slept through the night without nightmares," he answers with a smile and I see his eyes sparkling. Moments like this, I can't help but see his boyish side and it does emit some emotions from me.
I can no longer define my feelings.
"That is a win." I tell him.
"Eat everything on this tray. You have lost weight it is so scary."
I know this, my hair was falling when I tried to run a brush through it a while ago. I couldn't look myself in the mirror but I know my face is not so pleasant to look at either.
I eat in silence while he watches me.
"You will have a visitor today."
No, I don't want visitors! What is he up to?
"Who?" I ask calmly while I continue eating. I am not sure when I will be thrown in the dungeon or when he will have his breakouts and when such things happen, I don't get food. So I eat a lot anytime I get a chance.
"Gigi." He doesn't sound so thrilled about this.
"Do you want me to see her?" I ask tentatively
He stands up frustrated. "she is asking a lot of questions to people and I cannot have that. She is raising a lot of flags."
I stand up and walk over to him slowly, wrapping my arms around him from the back, to comfort him. He allows this for a minute before he throws me off and I fall on the bed with a gasp.
"Don't touch me, you did this!"
"I will talk to her and tell her she has nothing to worry about."
He looks at me with those icy eyes that makes me feel as if I am being impaled right on the chest. He doesn't say anything but then he calms down and comes to me on the bed. He lies on my lap and I touch his head. This is him telling me to comfort him. And I do.
"She wants you to offer you your job back." He whispers.
I think about this. "I will not go if you do not want me to."
He turns around and faces me. "I want you to what you want. We will try to work things out."
I shake my head in understanding or that is what I show him.
"I want us to start seeing a therapist too. I want us to be how we used to be."
How did we used to be?
"I want that too. "I reply, defeatedly.
"We will get through this, and you will have more hours with her because of the things you did to me."
My hand starts to shake but I will it not to. I'm I allowed to speak to the therapist about what is really happening? I ask myself
"You will be careful with your words not to say anything you are not supposed to."
I guess not.
"I know, you taught me well," I answer him and continue running my hand through his hair.