My head is throbbing as it constantly bounces against the glass window of the bus like a jackhammer but I just can't bring myself to take it off, the pain feels good. It is reminding me that hey I am still here, I am alive instead of this detached nothingness I have been feeling for the last 4 hours since I left what was once my home.
Home? Should I really call that house a home? Those people my family? I internally scoff at myself. At the thought of it all. I hate them for everything that they have done to me yet I hate myself more for letting them do it to me and also because through it all there is the smallest part of me that is just hurt, betrayed, afraid and destroyed. Never to be the same again. You can never fix this kind of feeling.
If I hadn't snuck off to the Community Library once a week and read the few books that I was able to read that they didn't have on their list of 'allowed' I never would have found out the truth. This disgusting, horrible truth of what they have been doing to me my whole life and what I have been missing out on.
There are so many people and places and THINGS that I have yet to see and meet and do and I want to do it all. Within reason of course. Because even though I am eager to go out exploring, I am still wary of people after seeing some of the worst things that can happen.
I finally lift my head up and drop my forest green hoodie from my head uncovering my auburn hair, upturned almond shaped eyes with thick long eyelashes and piercing eyes that are a colour clash of blue-green and grey, aqua-line nose and full heart shaped lips that have a natural rose hue, as the bus pulls to a stop letting some passengers off whilst unloading luggage and loading others on for this long distance journey through Midwest USA.
Once I get to the Chicago area I will start a new life and learn how to live for myself. Find out for myself what is the truth and what isn't because I'm pretty sure that the way that my family raised me is so very very wrong and now I am broken for it.
I've come a long way to even get here, if I am leaving I will be leaving to the other side of the country. I won't do things by half measures that's for sure. They won't be able to find me here and if they do, I will be ready for them. I have to make sure of that above and beyond anything else. Not that I think they will come looking, at least I hope they won't but maybe I am just being naive. But I will first need to find somewhere to stay I suppose….sigh….
Looking down into my duffle bag that I had hidden away with the necessities that I would need to live I double checked again that I still had everything because this is literally all that I now have to my name. A few shirts, 2 singlets, 2 shirts, a jacket some jeans and shorts and the tennis shoes I have on plus my toiletries.
I grab my purse and double check my I.D. Ava Martin 18 years old, yep that's me. At least the sperm donor and incubator had the decency to get me identified. It is the only good thing they have done for me. Checking the money I have available is only the $5000 that I managed to pilfer from sperm donors safe. He didn't know that I knew the combination and he will be murderous when he finds all of his money gone.
Oh well, shit happens hahahaha. "Suck eggs mother fucker" I say while flipping him the bird even though I know he can't see it, but you know. It's the point of the matter, as long as I feel better then all is well. I don't care who sees me acting like a lunatic. The lady in the aisle across from me gave me a really weird look like I'm mentally challenged haha. If only she knew the half of it I think to myself as I hold my bag tighter, close my eyes and smile to myself while waiting for my stop and drift off to sleep with my head back against the head rest.