Bold swordsman SIR ROGER HEMINGWAY is arguing with noble author LADY SARAH GIANTBULB. ROGER tries to hug SARAH but she shakes him off.
ROGER
Please Sarah, don't leave me.
SARAH
I'm sorry Roger, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
ROGER
I am such a person!
SARAH frowns.
SARAH
I'm sorry, Roger. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
SARAH leaves.
ROGER sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, optimistic shopkeeper MRS SUKI GOBBLE barges in looking flustered.
ROGER
Goodness, Suki! Is everything okay?
SUKI
I'm afraid not.
ROGER
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
SUKI
It's ... a thug ... I saw an evil thug burgle a bunch of babies!
ROGER
Defenseless babies?
SUKI
Yes, defenseless babies!
ROGER
Bloomin' heck, Suki! We've got to do something.
SUKI
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
ROGER
You can start by telling me where this happened.
SUKI
I was...
SUKI fans herself and begins to wheeze.
ROGER
Focus Suki, focus! Where did it happen?
SUKI
Kings Cross Station, London! That's right - Kings Cross Station, London!
ROGER springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ROGER rushes along the street, followed by SUKI. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
TOM BARKER a ruthless thug terrorises two babies.
ROGER, closely followed by SUKI, rushes towards TOM, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
SUKI
What is is? What's the matter?
ROGER
That's not just any old thug, that's Tom Barker!
SUKI
Who's Tom Barker?
ROGER
Who's Tom Barker? Who's Tom Barker? Only the most ruthless thug in the universe!
SUKI
Blinkin' knickers, Roger! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless thug in the universe!
ROGER
You can say that again.
SUKI
Blinkin' knickers, Roger! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless thug in the universe!
ROGER
I'm going to need pistols, lots of pistols.
Tom turns and sees Roger and Suki. He grins an evil grin.
TOM
Roger Hemingway, we meet again.
SUKI
You've met?
ROGER
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ROGER is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees TOM. He takes off his headphones.
TOM
Would you like some fruit gums?
ROGER's eyes light up, but then he studies TOM more closely, and looks uneasy.
ROGER
I don't know, you look kind of ruthless.
TOM
Me? No. I'm not ruthless. I'm the least ruthless thug in the world.
ROGER
Wait, you're a thug?
ROGER runs away, screaming.
INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
TOM
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
SUKI
(To ROGER) You ran away?
ROGER
(To SUKI) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ROGER turns to TOM.
ROGER
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ROGER runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
ROGER
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pistols.
TOM
I'm not scared of you.
ROGER
You should be.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - LATER THAT DAY
ROGER and SUKI walk around searching for something.
ROGER
I feel sure I left my pistols somewhere around here.
SUKI
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pistols.
ROGER
You know nothing Suki Gobble.
SUKI
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, TOM appears, holding a pair of pistols.
TOM
Looking for something?
SUKI
Crikey, Roger, he's got your pistols.
ROGER
Tell me something I don't already know!
SUKI
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
ROGER
I know that already!
SUKI
I'm afraid of dust.
TOM
(appalled) Dude!
While TOM is looking at SUKI with disgust, ROGER lunges forward and grabs his deadly pistols. He wields them, triumphantly.
ROGER
Prepare to die, you ruthless cauliflower!
TOM
No please! All I did was burgle a bunch of babies!
SARAH enters, unseen by any of the others.
ROGER
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Roger Hemingway defender of innocent babies.
TOM
Don't hurt me! Please!
ROGER
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pistols on you right away!
TOM
Because Roger, I am your father.
ROGER looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
ROGER
No you're not!
TOM
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
TOM tries to grab the pistols but ROGER dodges out of the way.
ROGER
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, TOM slumps to the ground.
SUKI
Did he just faint?
ROGER
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pistols.
ROGER crouches over TOM's body.
SUKI
Be careful, Roger. It could be a trick.
ROGER
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Tom Barker is dead!
ROGER
What?
ROGER
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
SUKI claps her hands.
SUKI
So your pistols did save the day, after all.
SARAH steps forward.
SARAH
Is it true? Did you kill the ruthless thug?
ROGER
Sarah how long have you been...?
SARAH puts her arm around ROGER.
SARAH
Long enough.