After my emotional spew of all the events that had taken place in my life and the accidental truth I've kept hidden came out in Giken's presence, I decided that I will no longer let anyone make my decisions for me nor force me to do anything I didn't want to.
After a moment of silence in contemplation, I decided to ask Giken for something.
"Giken, I was a thrall. I had to fight with other thralls all my life on Master Boiz's ship. I made a really good friend who protected me as if I were one of his brothers. I can fight when my life depends on it, but I am a sloppy fighter. Can you train me to fight?"
Giken looks me up and down and gave me a slight smile. "You don't have the manpower to fight. First, you must control your senses. Ease your mind and thoughts through meditation and hard work."
"What do I have to do?" I asked.
"Well…" he paused to think before continuing, "Believe it or not, you may have to go west to Gimtimi's group. They are the hardest workers there. They will keep you working, so that you can teach your mind self control." He replied.
"But what about you? What about my protection? What if Bjork~"
"Bjork can never and will ever lay another finger on you. I will make sure of that. For now, I want you to learn to help yourself. I… I can't imagine what will happen if you ever…" Giken stops to clear his thoughts, "Mooji will go with you since the central camp is doing well with her followers healing everyone already."
(Mooji... so he is sending the woman he loves to safety with me... that should be alright. I love him so much, I'm sure that if harm befalls her, it will break his heart which intime will also break mine.)
I kept my thoughts to myself and just stared at Giken.
He reaches his hands towards my cheeks and moves the rogue strands of my hairs floating around with the breeze, away from my face. Then slowly his hands graze my cheeks passing my ears to the back of my neck. Softly but firmly he pulled me towards him until our lips met. His hands dropped down to embrace me and I couldn't help but feel loved.
Is it love? Does he love me or is he just kissing me after mentioning Mooji? Is he pretending I am someone else? Questions after questions spark through my brain like lightning and I push away from him.
For a moment, we did nothing but stare at each other. We both express the same confusing look on our faces.
"Did I do something wrong? I'm so sorry." Giken said. " I didn't mean to invade your space, knowing that you had gone to such traumatizing events and~" Giken started a fast space spew of non ending sentences, so I felt I had to cut him off.
"No, you didn't do anything wrong." I budged in. "It's just… I just…"
My mind was racing and I wanted to say it. I wanted to just let the words come out without conscience or the fear of the consequences my word may have.
(You are your own person now. Don't let anyone hold you back.)
"I just want you to know that I am in love with you!!" The words came out in a loud holler, "an…an..an… and I understand that I can't expect you to reciprocate those feelings back to me because you love someone else. But I just want you to know that…" tears well up in my eyes thinking about Giken's love for Mooji and how I could never replace his love for her.
"…That I love you very much! Oh my word!" I turned to my side and stated to yell at myself, "What am I saying? I am so stupid!" I blurted out and tapped on my mouth. "Shut up! Why are you muttering irrelevant things?" I turn my attention back to Giken, "I'm sorry! Forget I even said anything!" I turned away and quickly ran out of the teepee.
I ran across the heavily teepee areas, through the resting ground, until I was far away from all of the teepees, on the edge of the other side. I ran as far away as I could away from wandering eyes, dropped into a crouch, cradled my knees and just cried. It's just been an emotional roller ride! What is happening to me? WHY is this happening to me?
Just then I felt a hand reach down, scooping under my chin, trying to prop my face upward.
"Giken, no. I'm sad, just leave me be." I said as I tried to pull away from his hand. But his demanding hand remained a strong, gripping the bottoms of my chin, and he pulled my chin up again.
"Giken!" I yelled, looking up at him, only it wasn't him.
"Little one?" His deep voice said my name and his tone sounded just like it did 10 years ago.
"Jerell?" I quickly stand trying to distance myself from him. "What are you doing here…and in daylight?" I asked in a hollering whisper fluttering my arms in front of me. "Are you mad? Are you trying to get yourself killed?"
Jerell grabbed my hands and pulled me close into his arms. Then I followed his lead and we crotch down to the ground and pulled his cloak to cover the both of us.
Just then, ruffling noises rippled around us and POPPED out of nowhere was Nishkaadizi. It seemed like he was rushing towards us and had only pause to stop. He was barely 5 meters from us. We watched as he sniffed the air in all directions and quickly turned and ran into a different direction.
"How did he not smell you?" I asked Jerell.
"Fox urine. It's everywhere, so I figured I could blend in with the woods. That was thanks to your warning."
He moves his cloak and we both stand. "Little one? You are Little one right? I mean your crying is exactly how I remember it to be. You know, I always wondered why you never bathed with us or peed overboard with us… and now it makes sense. You're a girl." He laughed and then remembered he needed to be quiet, bringing down his laughter into a chuckle instead.
I observe him, this time with the help of daylight. His once fair skin is now tanned with dark pigmented scars layering in slashes over the surface of this flesh.
It dawned on me. We had a hard life living on Master Boiz's ship, but after Yuqin found me, my life took on a more privileged turn. But Jerell, my dear Jerell, his hard life continued. My heart aches for the pain he had to go through. I can't imagine what Master Boiz had him do… hell, he made Jerell sell his best friend in the slavers market.
"Jerell, what happened to you?" I brush my hand lightly over the scars on his face, neck and collarbone imagining what could have caused it. He tenses, standing straight in attention and holding his breath.
He grabs my hand. "Please stop. Don't do that." I was so focused on him that I didn't realize his laughter had already ceased. You can see the seriousness of his painful memories pouring out of his eyes as his gaze met mine.
I see him and I see his pain. No, I feel all his pain.
I close my eyes, my hand still in his grasp and I force a sight.
I see Jerell with me on the ship. I see all of our good times and I see me on that stage. I hear "50 shillings" being called out. I see Jerell hiding nearby, crying and clenching his chest.
I see and feel all his pain and anger.
While forcing the sight, my body involuntarily placed my arms around Jerell's neck and I embrace the young Jerell that I remember him to be. The scent from his chest brought back all those fond memories we had as children. Though he was a few years older than me, we practically grew up together.
He leaned me back and I felt his breath on my face. I opened up my eyes and unexpectedly realized how close our faces were, my bosoms pressing against his chest, arms around his neck and his hands resting on my hips. For a moment, my mind wondered how his lips would taste. I shake the idea away.
(You love Giken. You love Giken.)
"But you can Jerell too." a voice said in my head. I feel conflicted about these feelings. I've always loved Jerell, but it was a different kind of love.
I fight with my thoughts while in Jerell's embrace. He suddenly breaks me away from the wormhole that is my mind by placing his lips on mine, closing the gap between our faces with a long single kiss.
My eyes continued to stay open as I waited for him to pull away. But then slowly, I began to be drawn into his kiss as if he were Giken, and I reciprocated his kiss.
When he backed away, he followed up with his motion by saying, " THERE! I needed to test something, but it's done now. I'm sorry, my lady. A man of my caste should never do that to a lady, nor should I even dream of doing that to a lady, but I had to make sure that you weren't…"
"That I weren't what?" I asked.
"Little one." he answered. "I needed to know if you were Little one."
"What did you conclude?" I asked again.
"You are not Little one." We surveyed each other's reaction to his response, "...but at one point, you were Little one." He replied.
"I was, at one point. But Little one was sold in the slaver's market, remember? You brought me there and you left me! You left me, your best buddy, on a stage to be sold as a slave to whomever! YOU LEFT ME!" I yelled at Jerell as my voice started to tremble again.
"I HAD TO!" he yelled back. He stopped to calm and then quietly spoke. "I had to do what I had to do, because Master Boiz was going to send me on a very dangerous mission. I couldn't leave you behind with that monster . You are my best buddy. As soon as I saw that fancy butler looking guy bidding, I knew you were in good hands. I'm so so sorry, Little one. I'm so sorry my lady." he gave me a slight nod of his head to show me courtesy.
(Why am I always crying today? Why are all these things popping back up into my life when I've stored them so deep away for so very long, in hopes that it will never see the light of day again.)
Tears dripped off my chin and my lips trembled with sorrow. "You were my only friend besides my mother. I had so much love for you as if we were~" in the middle of my words, we both were interrupted.
A big gray wolf maw Jerell over and he tumbles to the ground, the wind knocked straight out of him. The gray wolf's paw pressured on top of Jerell's chest, pinning him on the ground. It growled, clenching its jaws and displaying its sharp teeth in the process.
"Giken, STOP!" I yelled out. Giken's gray wolf form turned its attention to me, distracted. As soon as the pressure was slightly lifted off of Jerell, he swooped around with his cloak and dashed toward me in what looked like a jolt of teleportation.
Once he grabbed a hold onto me, he placed one of his double bladed hatchets on my throat. "Come any closer and I will slice her throat open." I can feel the sharpness of the cold blade on my neck, but then I suddenly felt something warm and wet trickling down from steel down my collarbone.